You shouldn't know these things about me.

Hella from Giovanni's Room

James Baldwin just be spittin' all kinds of truth and amazingness & humanity & wow. just bare.


“We had been wandering about the city all day and all day Hella had been full of a subject which I had never heard her discuss at such length before: women. She claimed it was hard to be one.

         

‘I don’t see what’s so hard about being a woman. At least, not as long as she’s got a man.’

         

‘That’s just it,’ said she. ‘Hasn’t it ever struck you that that’s a sort of humiliating necessity?’” (124)

“‘But it does seem—well, difficult—to be a the mercy of some gross, unshaven stranger before you can begin to be yourself.’”

“‘Well,’ she said, ‘you may not be a stranger now. But you were once and I’m sure you will be again—many times.’” (125)

“ ‘For a woman,’ she said, ‘I think a man is always a stranger. And there’s something awful about being at the mercy of a stranger.”

“‘Ah!’ she said, ‘men may be at the mercy of women—I think men like that idea, it strokes the misogynist in them. But if a particular man is at the mercy of a particular woman—why, he’s somehow stopped being a man. And the lady, then, is more neatly trapped than ever.”

“I’d like to see you at anybody’s mercy, Hella.”

“‘You may laugh,’ she said, humorously, ‘but there is something in what I say. I began to realize it in Spain—that I wasn’t free, that I couldn’t be free until I was attached—no, committed—to someone.”

“‘I don’t know,’ she said at last, ‘but I’m beginning to think that women get attached to something really by default. They’d give it up, if they could, anytime, for a man. Of course they can’t admit this, and neither can most of them let go of what they have. But I think it kills them—perhaps I only mean,’ she added, after a moment, ‘that it would have killed me.’”

“It isn’t what I’ve got. It isn’t even what I want. It’s that you’ve got me. So now I can be—your obedient and most loving servant.” (126)

“‘Why,’ she said, ‘I’m talking about my life. I’ve got you to take care of and feed and torment and trick and love—I’ve got you to put up with. From now on, I can have a wonderful time complaining about being a woman. But I won’t be terrified that I’m not one.’ She looked at my face, and laughed. ‘Oh, I’ll be doing other things,’ she cried. ‘I won’t stop being intelligent. I’ll read and argue and think and all that—and I’ll make a great point of not thinking your thoughts—and you’ll be pleased because I’m sure the resulting confusion will cause you to see that I’ve only got a finite woman’s mind, after all. And, if God is good, you’ll love me more and more and we’ll be quite happy.’ She laughed again. ‘Don’t bother your head about it, sweetheart. Leave it to me.’” (126)


i can't say that i agree with everything that she's saying but she does raise some very interesting questions/present ideas that i know emotionally and haven't quite been able to vocalize, particularly not feeling like a woman unless i'm wanted not so much with the getting attached to something by default. but yes! to writing a paper on this.

Ambrosia

if i could go back to any decade, just for the music.. well dang. it's a tie btw the 70s and 80s. but today, the 70s. for so so many reasons. mostly the love songs and the funk.





also this song is just the bees knees. my mom turned me on to this. well, probably Ambrosia too. but yea.

stop judging me for being on YouTube while i write this paper, pt.2

i'm operating off of 3 hrs of sleep. i forgot how much writing a paper can take out of you. i'm physically awake but my brain is operating at minimum efficiency. smh. anywho! the eighties make it a lil better!

p.s. i find it cute that George Michael was "straight" in the eighties... haha. i kno there's a lot that went into that facade but i just find it funny in retrospect watching these videos. i saw him on Oprah with his partner a couple years ago, now i'm lookin at these videos where he got not one, but two women! stop it! rewind. play. "... never gonna dance again..."

speaking of shaking things up so i can stay alert and writing my paper: otherwise known as "uunnh aaahh, it ain't procrastination if it wakes up dese brain cells!"

papers.

paper # 1 (due tonight). i'm currently writing a paper about a poet with a crush on a musician. oh, the irony. i'm enjoying it/gonna enjoy it all day as long as i operate in the space of how funny/interesting it is/the potential for introspection but also a privileged view into the psyche of a fellow feeling-a-lot person.

paper #2 (it's complicated, final draft 12/20). uuurrrgghh. this one. *le sigh* hopefully i'll get to write about creative writing here too and place it in a context and write 15 pages? before Monday...

paper #3 (due next Thursday 12/16) must meet with professor Monday. must outline the hell out of what i want to talk about and focus my thesis as much as possible before Monday. must do paper like it's due Tuesday until bed, then act like it's due Wednesday fa real fa real cause it's due noon Thursday and I don't wanna rush. I want an A. hey, it's possible. I'm writing about James Baldwin!

paper #4 (due 12/21, in Spanish) i'm just going to finish this class the best i can. i don't usually make so many mistakes in language classes/it's more logistical than anything else... i won't be actively learning Spanish again probably until I just go to a Spanish speaking country, i'm tired of taking classes in Spanish, which is to say it's hard enough thinking in English at Columbia, which is to say I feel perpetually inadequate, which is to say i'm trippin, which is to say, "Get it done."

all in all, my fate of writing 40 pages (minimum) in final papers before the end of the semester is not too terrible. with the right attitude i might just maybe perhaps enjoy it!

am i gonna have to learn how to tango?

i've been wondering this for a while, but it's becoming a real question. shoot.
this might have to be one of those things i learn how to do, so i'll stay sane/happy/active when i'm out in the real world. it looks like mad fun. slash, i'll say it. it's oh dee sexy.

i've been listening to the Gotan Project since last semester when one of my friends referred me to them. Bajofondo I found out abt in my Spanish class. either way, dope.