i kind of love this song (like, a lot)

and i wish John Mayer was less of a douche bag and if i really believed he didn't like black women I would stop listening to him.. even though this mfer, i got all of his cds between my sister and I. dammit! but, what he said in Playboy was bs, we all (or at least, I) know this. So, I still enjoy. I done recommended him to too many people and like the fool's work too much not too. Watch your mouth! Gosh darnit. With your black back-up singers and band members. Smh.


Sweet song, ain't it?

And this was just beautiful:




and MJ, himself.

i want it i want it.

i wonder how many things God has to dress up for us to do them. Like, if someone (or some sense of something) told you to go somewhere to do something would you do it
         
                                  unless it was dressed up in something uniquely palatable to you?
                                      and what you want at the moment?
                                              or what you've had to experience to get your defenses down?

I call that God.

'Cause in the past year I've found myself listening to something coming from somewhere hoping it'll lead me
and it usually leads to writing
from an experience that I know will be important in the maybe not so long span of things

like when I went to Carnegie Hall to see this big shot violinist... no non nono that's the wrong word 'cause it wasn't like he was an asshole, just super talented... searching for some___ i thought was coming and instead I met a quasi-homeless man and ended up talking to him for 30 minutes. wrote about it. what else was i supposed to do?

N-E-who, i don't know how to start this sentence. It wasn't given to me yet. THERE, I got it. Some things are special. Wanting is special, with good intent... and wanting is indivisible. You want, and not less. Or you're lying to yourself. And that hurts. Lying hurts.

Goodbye.

And just because i've been listening to it for the past couple days.

minnie riperton

so, minnie is mighty close to marvin. 
(re: the post just before this one)






if music was still like this, i might be pregnant right now. 
(well... not really, haha. but you understand the sentiment i'm trying to express)


 has anyone else ever been able to hit that high note?

i'm not sure if

there is an album sexier than Marvin Gaye's I Want You.
Nope. Take it back.
I'm actually pretty sure there's not.





and... I want this poster for my dorm room.

love her for declarations like these:

and of course more, but there's only so many videos to post before I'm obnoxious ;]

Fresh off the dome

I’m wondering… well, contemplatin’

I find that I’m most attracted (cough: semi-infatuated) with those that seem to have something that I don’t. Those that have some understanding or experience that I haven't accessed yet. Those that know what I don't or seem to have the answers to something I want. Mkay. Just a thought but, I wonder if I seek these things for myself (as opposed to just shining the pedestal for whoever I'd love to learn from and thus gives me the smoochie hots) then I would be happier, at least  better off? 'Cause I'm what I can control, right? Well, if I want it anyway for myself then seeking it for me instead of going "Oh gosh, so and so is so great" has more concrete gain, right? I mean, I was gonna do it anyway. Not to say that everything that I could ever learn from someone else I can just do on my own... that's not quite it. There are definitely things that I can't learn on my own that I will learn from my relationships with people. But if I'm gushing about what they are, and there's something I want for me they just might be there to serve as that example. Maybe what I'm supposed to take away is the "what" and not the "who" and everything will feel more "right" when it's a timely mix of the two or whatever is s'posed to mixed up in thurr. 

I say all this to say, that I genuinely feel like I'm hitting that place where I'm a little more interested in fawning over (read: loving and nurturing) me than worrying about this someone I haven't met yet. Because focusing on his absence, not so much with the bringing him closer. And let's keep it real, if I shine the light far and mine enough he'll find me. 

It's funny how it takes experience for you to believe things that make sense and you've thought and heard before but are only ready to accept when you're ready. Yeah, that.

If I can't have who I want, or if who I want isn't clear, isn't present, isn't here...

I can seek the what. Eyes on the what. Get to the heart of the what. Ask me about the what. Cause the what is constant. Cause the what changes. Whats important. 

they want me to miss them.

my locs.
"they were so beautiful, and long.
you just threw away your hair."

i appreciated having locs. i thought they were beautiful too. i had them for two years. that was enough for me. they'll probably come back. for now, they're gone. and i only ever really got them because my mom got tired of me walking around with my 'fro. that's where it all started, though I am so glad that I tried it, with me wanting her to stop telling me i looked like a five year old. that my hair was just sitting up on top of my head. reminding me how adamant i used to be abt making sure my hair was straight (when it was permed). but i wanted something new. i originally went natural so i could feel my roots (from the scalp, that is). and i like knowing what it felt like to run my fingers through my hair the way it is when i let it be. i wanted to grow me a big ol' afro. epic even. and i stopped.

well now, i want it short. i like smoothing my fingers on the sides so close to my scalp.
and if i have to grind like nobody's business so that i can have that simple pleasure, i shall. if i have to pave my own way for myself so i can express myself it just looks like that's what i need to do. 'cause to me, having to be what everyone else wants from me to get by each day is a form of dying and i want to live. i want to write. i want to wear colors, and experiment with style. i want to wear my grandma's and whatever else jewelry makes my day easier. wear my hair how i want. share what i want to share of myself without any unnecessary constraints.

i can't stay the same. staying the same makes it hard for me to breathe.

and i've found myself... never knew how to call it until someone said it after listening to me talk... found myself disappointed in myself for not being who i was in high school anymore. because i don't breathe school in the same way, because i don't seem as ... "driven" is not the right word, i don't seem as directed. and Lawd knows the only direction i had then was to college, because that's what you do after high school.

but i haven't been fair to myself, and i've been told this before and i know better deep somewhere... that is finally rising to the surface. some things you don't get back. some things you aren't meant to get back. i have the me i am now to hold onto and i've always prayed for growth, have always made that one of the number one things i need. growth just uh, hurts.

growth hurts. being interesting hurts. i remember just wanting to be interesting.  to be memorable when i was younger, shoot probably a couple days ago just in a different iteration and on a different level. because i wasn't inside of it. had no idea of how to you have to fight. you pay the price for it. if i see something and i want it and i go for it, it's not always gonna be supported, be understood be acceptable. cool.

i just know, the haze is clearing up. and what's left is who i am, in clear view. and those who matter will still love me. and i know my family will still be there, even if they said some wack shit when i got in the house this afternoon.