it's comin!

Do you know what *tomorrow* is? 

It's our anniversaaarryyyy 

:) baby you and me. 

 

So, i started this blog on New Year's Eve and it will be a year tomorrow. I can't wait to read over all the old posts. I'll be doing that tomorrow. and in toasting to the New Year, I'll also be toasting to you :)

... and i love you in a special way! ... i remember the first day!

yes!

i am still in New York.
i am going home soon.
this song is dope!

i don't know how i feel about this idea

actually, i guess it's kind of harmless as long as it don't go no further. but um, i keep listening to this.

update on papers--otherwise known as-- claiming the triumph

paper 1: done.
paper 2: due today at noon.
paper 3: It's complicated. I just couldn't do it.
paper 4: done
paper 5: will be done before i go to sleep/get home to Philly/during the wee hours of Christmas Eve


oh, and how's this for symbolism i don't care to define or explore right now?
i'm writing this last paper in the lounge of my freshman dorm. 
it just gives me good mojo.


wish me luck!


Happy Holidays!


P.S. I like this song!

i was listening to "Lowrider" and this song came up in my Suggestions. cool.

random list, 'bout time.

1. I haven't written in my journal in a long time. I don't know where to start.
2. But I also know the answer to the question implicit in that statement is: somewhere, anywhere, write.
2a. and so I shall, soon.
2b. maybe tonight.
2c. my papers mandate it. my head can't be too full of stuff while writing these things.
3. I should probably eat a snack. I only at once today and that was a bacon cheeseburger deluxe at a diner on the east side, at like 3pm. no bueno. I gotta stop doing stuff like that.
4. i'm taking a break from this list to clip my fingernails. just figured you should know.
5. listening to Musiq Soulchild as I write this. Aijuswanaseing. I remember listening to Musiq while doing puzzles in the summer. yes, I like to do puzzles. people are puzzles. as corny as it sounds. i associate the two a little bit.
6. I need to hurry up and write this paper because my tummy is starting to hurt from the not eating since 3pm, that and my head is starting the feel compacted, like it's pushing in on itself. maybe I'll buy some Doritos and drink some tea.
7. Ihaveanorange.
8. and now I'm listening to India. Arie.
9. I know when I actually start writing in my journal, I'll be writing for at least an hour. Saturday will be that day. Once this paper is done.
10. I probably should have peeled the orange before clipping my nails. haha. But I'll make it.
11. forgetting the list is up here, hours and ichiban Ramen visit from Suitey & two friends later, back to my paper.
12. sooo distracted, bc i'm sooo tired but I don't know what would happen if i took a nap right now so :/
13. stuff.
this will get done. i'm unplugging my ethernet cord.

update on papers.

paper 1: done.
paper 2: due today at noon.
paper 3: It's complicated. I just couldn't do it.
paper 4: due Tuesday
paper 5: It's complicated. I will do it.

"You make me feel like it's morning (morning), but it's well into the afternoon."

You shouldn't know these things about me.

Hella from Giovanni's Room

James Baldwin just be spittin' all kinds of truth and amazingness & humanity & wow. just bare.


“We had been wandering about the city all day and all day Hella had been full of a subject which I had never heard her discuss at such length before: women. She claimed it was hard to be one.

         

‘I don’t see what’s so hard about being a woman. At least, not as long as she’s got a man.’

         

‘That’s just it,’ said she. ‘Hasn’t it ever struck you that that’s a sort of humiliating necessity?’” (124)

“‘But it does seem—well, difficult—to be a the mercy of some gross, unshaven stranger before you can begin to be yourself.’”

“‘Well,’ she said, ‘you may not be a stranger now. But you were once and I’m sure you will be again—many times.’” (125)

“ ‘For a woman,’ she said, ‘I think a man is always a stranger. And there’s something awful about being at the mercy of a stranger.”

“‘Ah!’ she said, ‘men may be at the mercy of women—I think men like that idea, it strokes the misogynist in them. But if a particular man is at the mercy of a particular woman—why, he’s somehow stopped being a man. And the lady, then, is more neatly trapped than ever.”

“I’d like to see you at anybody’s mercy, Hella.”

“‘You may laugh,’ she said, humorously, ‘but there is something in what I say. I began to realize it in Spain—that I wasn’t free, that I couldn’t be free until I was attached—no, committed—to someone.”

“‘I don’t know,’ she said at last, ‘but I’m beginning to think that women get attached to something really by default. They’d give it up, if they could, anytime, for a man. Of course they can’t admit this, and neither can most of them let go of what they have. But I think it kills them—perhaps I only mean,’ she added, after a moment, ‘that it would have killed me.’”

“It isn’t what I’ve got. It isn’t even what I want. It’s that you’ve got me. So now I can be—your obedient and most loving servant.” (126)

“‘Why,’ she said, ‘I’m talking about my life. I’ve got you to take care of and feed and torment and trick and love—I’ve got you to put up with. From now on, I can have a wonderful time complaining about being a woman. But I won’t be terrified that I’m not one.’ She looked at my face, and laughed. ‘Oh, I’ll be doing other things,’ she cried. ‘I won’t stop being intelligent. I’ll read and argue and think and all that—and I’ll make a great point of not thinking your thoughts—and you’ll be pleased because I’m sure the resulting confusion will cause you to see that I’ve only got a finite woman’s mind, after all. And, if God is good, you’ll love me more and more and we’ll be quite happy.’ She laughed again. ‘Don’t bother your head about it, sweetheart. Leave it to me.’” (126)


i can't say that i agree with everything that she's saying but she does raise some very interesting questions/present ideas that i know emotionally and haven't quite been able to vocalize, particularly not feeling like a woman unless i'm wanted not so much with the getting attached to something by default. but yes! to writing a paper on this.

Ambrosia

if i could go back to any decade, just for the music.. well dang. it's a tie btw the 70s and 80s. but today, the 70s. for so so many reasons. mostly the love songs and the funk.





also this song is just the bees knees. my mom turned me on to this. well, probably Ambrosia too. but yea.

stop judging me for being on YouTube while i write this paper, pt.2

i'm operating off of 3 hrs of sleep. i forgot how much writing a paper can take out of you. i'm physically awake but my brain is operating at minimum efficiency. smh. anywho! the eighties make it a lil better!

p.s. i find it cute that George Michael was "straight" in the eighties... haha. i kno there's a lot that went into that facade but i just find it funny in retrospect watching these videos. i saw him on Oprah with his partner a couple years ago, now i'm lookin at these videos where he got not one, but two women! stop it! rewind. play. "... never gonna dance again..."

speaking of shaking things up so i can stay alert and writing my paper: otherwise known as "uunnh aaahh, it ain't procrastination if it wakes up dese brain cells!"

papers.

paper # 1 (due tonight). i'm currently writing a paper about a poet with a crush on a musician. oh, the irony. i'm enjoying it/gonna enjoy it all day as long as i operate in the space of how funny/interesting it is/the potential for introspection but also a privileged view into the psyche of a fellow feeling-a-lot person.

paper #2 (it's complicated, final draft 12/20). uuurrrgghh. this one. *le sigh* hopefully i'll get to write about creative writing here too and place it in a context and write 15 pages? before Monday...

paper #3 (due next Thursday 12/16) must meet with professor Monday. must outline the hell out of what i want to talk about and focus my thesis as much as possible before Monday. must do paper like it's due Tuesday until bed, then act like it's due Wednesday fa real fa real cause it's due noon Thursday and I don't wanna rush. I want an A. hey, it's possible. I'm writing about James Baldwin!

paper #4 (due 12/21, in Spanish) i'm just going to finish this class the best i can. i don't usually make so many mistakes in language classes/it's more logistical than anything else... i won't be actively learning Spanish again probably until I just go to a Spanish speaking country, i'm tired of taking classes in Spanish, which is to say it's hard enough thinking in English at Columbia, which is to say I feel perpetually inadequate, which is to say i'm trippin, which is to say, "Get it done."

all in all, my fate of writing 40 pages (minimum) in final papers before the end of the semester is not too terrible. with the right attitude i might just maybe perhaps enjoy it!

am i gonna have to learn how to tango?

i've been wondering this for a while, but it's becoming a real question. shoot.
this might have to be one of those things i learn how to do, so i'll stay sane/happy/active when i'm out in the real world. it looks like mad fun. slash, i'll say it. it's oh dee sexy.

i've been listening to the Gotan Project since last semester when one of my friends referred me to them. Bajofondo I found out abt in my Spanish class. either way, dope.

p.s.

i realized that i'm a little extreme at times, in talks today.

i have to stop doing this thing where i pick one identity and decide that's all i've got, and all of my worth is there...
like it's the only thing i'm good at...
well, i think it happens subconsciously.

i was a student (high school), a student, a student, a student, learner, knowledge seeker, student, student, student
everything else second. many other things made me then
even more things make me now
but... since i've been in college, tho, duh, i'm still a student, i don't feel like it's *my* thing anymore. don't really make me special. regardless of whether it sounds corny or not, or even the fact that i just realized it
i wanna be special.

writing makes me feel special. i LOVE writing. i mean, i love learning but i LOVE writing.

so, since college, when i needed to feel powerful again, when i needed to fight for something to hold onto, something to be (because *student* is taken by all the other damn Columbia kids that are now more enthusiastic than me) i said writer, writer writer writer, how do i become a writer, oh, well i'm already a writer, what do writers do? oh, i'm not really like that and that's cool but nonetheless writer writer writer writer

writer

guess who needs to stop limiting her notions of herself

this girl.

but, the first step is acknowledging that you have a problem. i intend to fix mine now that i know i'm being unfair to myself. i feel positive about that. good to have sounding boards, and good to have friends and good to have support and good to have positive, reaffirming reality checks

p.s. 

did i tell you

that i realized this weekend

that i'm a loving person?

when did that happen?

haha.

'cause it's not just me noticing it

it's like playing out in my actions & stuff, and people notice it

i've even been told                                                                                           i love hard... 

haha.

yeah, but that's nice. and it's true. 

and i'm starting to realize just how many things i do out of love,

things that come automatically,

that just seem right

i always do best when i follow my instincts and don't question/obsess over thangs 

whether it's loving people, what i do/organizations, what i'm learning, music, places, people, etc

hrrmmm... lately, remembering me. how do i love me hard?

by doing all that i can for my present and ESP during finals, future self. 

whether that's school work, addressing misconceptions/perceptions, reconciling & reviewing the past, acknowledging and changing damaging behaviors or ways of thinking, smiling, pushing through, writing, listing, friend time, crying, stuff.

it's all good. 

random rationale (i found in my notepad for class) for why i'll probably end up with a musician (or whatever)

haha. i'm not completely invested in that outcome btdubbs.

but it goes like this:


i assume a musician knows
               about
time      timing      finesse     feeling into action     letting go
pressure     control     patience     action out of feeling     seeking and finding     digging into (it)
what sounds right/what doesn't     discipline     when & where he enters & exits     climbing out of (it) or huh?
support(harmony)     stepping front & center(melody)     moving     stopping     arrangements
                                              heart and soul and spirit and black things.


... and this is what my notebooks look like, with the occasional scribblings of notes for class.

real talk.

Jessica, you actually don't have to be perfect. You just have to produce. Something. Get this work done!

so, i have laryngitis

well, i think i do. either way, i'm losing my voice.

which is particularly interesting bc i just had a conversation with my friend Friday night/Saturday morning abt the way i feel abt my voice.

he was teaching me a Buddhist chant. and from what i understand, an important part of chanting is listening to and focusing on your own voice, its rhythm and vibrations and while we were chanting i began to feel very uncomfortable. for two reasons that i can think of, one being that i'm not ready to make definitive choices abt Christianity vs. Buddhism and i felt like i was engaging in something sacred but not with my whole heart. but the reason related to laryngitis...

in the middle of the five min we chose to chant, i stopped, my legs cross legged, i dropped my hands, i sat there feeling very lost and unsure of my voice. i moved to the side after abt a min and folded my legs into my chest. apparently, i looked traumatized. haha. but yeah...

reason #2 -- i was largely uncomfortable bc i felt like my voice was too small. it literally didn't feel/sound big enough to me. if i could think of a color to describe it, it would be flat. and after we talked abt it i realized that why i feel like my voice was too small  is bc i don't feel heard, when it comes to my relationship with/issues within my family and lately, a couple of men/friends. gah. so yeah.

but now, i've literally had to speak in hoarse-speak and whispers for today and yesterday, and as corny as it may sound, i appreciate the importance of having a voice, of being able to speak--as a physical reality but also as a writer/an artist. so yeah.

and my voice is not as small as i fear it is. i think i just need to give it more care in the way that now, i need to drink a lot of fluids, put my "COUGH DROP"  brand of cough drops in hot, steaming water with Earl Grey tea (well, just bc i like Earl Grey & spelling "grey" with an "e") and rest my voice... when it comes to producing pieces of writing, i need to pay more attention to my work, to take out the time to do what needs to be done so that on a very fundamental level i appreciate the fact that i can speak, that i have something to say, that i have a distinctive voice, but also so that i can share it and get stronger and build dialogue with others, learn even more, write even more, and make life all... richer & stuff :j

so. thank you, laryngitis & life, with all your symbolism and room for reflection. holler holler. (though i can't right now. haha.)

ALSO

I'm also terribly aware that while laryngitic (no, it's not a word, but go with it)

i can't sing :( 

i like to sing! i LOVE music. 

i don't get to have the same experience now.

also... i can kinda sing a little bit, so it sucks to lose that manifestation of my voice as well. 

i don't usually know what to do with singing, aside from enjoying singing alone, tho i think i'd like to do it more as a means of expression. it just opens a whole 'nother world, and lens through which i'd see the world, that i think i have been avoiding. largely, bc writing comes first and i've even had trouble giving that as much of me as i'd really like to, bc it's really hard to devote myself while also in school. i don't always have the headspace, the time, the energy... the discipline to do more than blog, journal and list... i only really poem for class. so yeah. 

also.also. and and. i haven't really spoken up that much in classes this semester, for various reasons but this losing of my voice is making me think about that too. but in that same vein, i've spoken a lot in my extracurricular commitments. i am proud of vocalizing what's important and creating productive dialogue in that way. 

moral of the post: having a voice is a blessing. and i'm glad that i am seeing this more clearly practically/physical (with regards to being able-bodied), emotionally, symbolically, artistically, etcetera etcetera. it's okay to want to be heard, and to express yourself. and the more i grow i realize it's a necessity for me as a person, a writer, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a granddaughter, a member of an organization, a student, a participant in discussion, etcetera etcetera. 

mmhm.

:) 

this song is most everything.

it's happening again :j

sooo... remember that "getting published" song from around March of this year? i get to sing it again. this time I'll be featured in Barnard's Proxy Magazine. two really short poems, both abt the heart & heat. lemme know if you wanna read them (comment or whatever). i'm happy :) about it, but i haven't sang the song yet. i'm going to do it soon tho. yeah :)

this is fly.

I'd Rather Be With You

Two things

1. i'm hard-headed.
2. Jeff Buckley is the man.

from Sketches for My Drunken Sweetheart

had this on repeat during Thanksgiving break.


okay. three things.
3. i know what i need to be doing, and i keep putting it off for the things that i want immediately that just aren't happening right now. and instead of focusing on what's in my control to make happen, i've been focusing on what makes me feel powerless, and being comfortable with powerlessness because it removes accountability to a certain degree. if i have no control, i can't make any moves. when i focus on what's not in my control, it seems like there's nothing for me to be doing.

ah!

but when i focus on what's in my control, i'm starting to realize, i am busy for a lifetime. and i like that. there are things i want to do, and i have to stop allowing myself to be distracted by forced perceptions or old comforts that just aren't that comforting anymore.

okay so, four things.

4. whenever shit that makes me uncomfortable happens, i legit feel like falling off the face of the earth & making myself unreachable to the world. but then i remember all the people who make me happy :) and i am happy to know ... and gosh darnit! are happy to know me and (maybe sometime it takes time but) then i cut it out. and cutting it out is key!

dang nabbit. five.

5. okay so. i often feel like the undercurrent to a lot of my realizations are about love. begin sidenote: i love that James Baldwin expressly states that his work is about love. end sidenote. but yeah. so this semester i've been learning/getting better at the whole "not focusing on love" thang. i know me saying this makes it sound not true. haha. but for reasons i don't really know, i'm more comfortable with being alone. it doesn't mean i don't want love, or even to go out on dates or whatever, but it does mean i'm not trippin or feelin as alone as usual. and i'm actually starting to catch the bad habits i have when lonely. they're wack. which includes but is not limited to: seeing something that's not there. most deadly.

but yeah man, i'ma be alright.

and i don't know what the real thing feels like because i haven't encountered it. and sometimes that hurts bc i want it so bad so i wanna feel closer to it and make things around me it, or even make myself feel guilty for somehow missing it in the past when really... it just hasn't been my time yet. the best i can do tho, is learn my lessons and keep it moving. NOT pretend i was never hurt, or never felt anything or that i wish i had never met so and so, so and so's a butthole (even if he is... haha, but he couldn't be all asshole bc i would've never bothered in the 1st place) etcetera etcetera you get my drift.

last two things.

6. i've realized this semester, that maybe the reason i feel sluggish & tired & drab is bc i'm literally sitting in the dark. like sometimes, i just use the light coming in from the window & never turn on my room light. duh. yeah silly, you're not letting all the light in/on/around you foolio. psshh. i'm gonna work on that.

7. i think i forgot. oh. i wanna be more present. i keep forgetting to be that bc it sounds all fancy & it's easier when i'm alone, but i want to do it. like, i want to be present in my interactions with others, bc it's all ... crucial & stuff. i'm not gonna always get things right, but i'll learn & get better. also, i need to start counting to ten & check my perceptions when ppl disappoint me.

and i'm gonna read & write more. so yeah.

i HAVE to sing this everytime i hear it.

... with intensity.

holler.

Pandora is SO good to me!

so, like

triumph & smiles :) :) :)


guess who's been getting work done, being efficient & productive this weekend?

---->THIS GIRL<----

it truly is a blessing to feel functional. and, i've felt that way a couple time times this semester. this is one of those times and it's GRAND. 

wish me luck on my short presentation in class tomorrow.

mi composición en Español 

my rewrite for one of my papers

and this draft... that i was s'posed to hand in... earlier.

mkay. it's alright. i'm making process and i appreciate it. 

*back to work*

i enjoy this ridiculous hair, clothes from the era, the name "The Ronettes," the promise to make someone happy & the somethin like a command&plea of "Be My Baby."

i've always really liked this song.

sun in my face

so, today

i found a mole on my shoulder i don't remember ever seeing before. i'm sure it was always there, it's that inset in the skin beauty mark kind. i just never look at my shoulder closely i guess, it kinda hurts the eyes. but either way, it's on my left shoulder, pretty.

i've been wondering lately about my sense of awareness. bc i keep doing little things that make me wonder whether they're a symbol or sign of something. to be specific

i keep knocking into things and hurting my body by accident like,

routinely: hitting my hip on the edges of desks, walking into my doorknob, my hand knocking into things, papercut

...and while moving a table from room to room, getting my left hand caught in between a table that was behind me and the table i was carrying

i don't kno. i can't remember all of the instances but suffice it to say i'm not particularly clumsy so all of this is a little weird for me, like it's a sign i'm being careless with my body and that as a symbol for something bigger. i wonder.

i guess... what could i be being careless abt...?

1. my future: lately, i've had this nebulous idea of graduating and leaving the country but i have yet to start making real plans abt this. it's probably bc i can hardly handle the present (and how the past is factoring into my present) let alone figure out what to do with something as big as that. i'm sure i have plenty of options. there just never seems to be enough hours in a day. maybe i should start drinking coffee, 5 hr energy or something.

2. nutrition? i had Chipotle Saturday & Sunday, and i'm contemplating having it again today. this is not a normal occurrence but it's a weird thing this week. i just decided i'm not gonna do it today. but yeah, nutrition. i'm not particularly unhealthy, i put something green on my plate. but the past couple days i think i've been considering eating as a means of happiness. i'm too self-aware to really make this a practice. i'm hyper aware of addictions so that's not a real worry. practically, i'm more interested in figuring out how i can eat for energy or "brain food" because i'm SO tired ALL of the time. tired of school, tired of a lot of things mentally, physically and emotionally. that's a lot of tired and it wears on me.

3. schoolwork: being depressed. i built up this habit of allowing myself to do whatever it takes to feel less like hot funky doo doo. or even stale musty doo doo. to not cry. to not end up balling up in a corner and crying uncontrollably. or dropping on the floor in an elevator. whatever blah blah weariness. but it affects my schoolwork when i give myself these allowances. i'll never get past if i don't push through it. sometimes i push through it, other times i just want immediate gratification and if listening to music for hrs or watching online tv or writing does that i have the tendency to do it.

it just hurts not to feel as excited abt school as i used to, as everyone here at Columbia (or at least the people in my class, who remind me of myself in high school) seem to be. i hardly ever feel moved to talk in class, excited or enthused about anything. i just go in and watch the clock until i get to leave.

my recipe for getting good grades used to seem so simple: 1) go to class 2) pay attention 3) do the reading/work on time 4)engage/talk when moved in class.
steps 1-4 are the hardest things for me. i feel like i lost some ability and i don't know how it happened and i don't know how to get it back. and it doesn't help that i have research papers to do with no real interests or passions for anything. i can imagine what i'd be interested in but it's never enough concern or intrigue to go the extra mile or take great initiative like i used to. i hate feeling so half-assed abt everything.

4. my heart:: i've been thinking lately about perception. and how i've spent most of my life thinking that i won't be truly happy until i know that i'm  not entirely alone, and that i won't always have to be alone.

let's define "alone"
1. without a partner, sure
2. but it's also about belonging
3. it's also abt feeling like i fit somewhere or with someones, like i can surrender
4. like i can reach out and someone will be there, always

i don't know whether 4 is unrealistic or fair but yeah.

i just know that i have this fear that i'm going to be convinced by life i don't really need anyone but myself. again, this is about perception.
i have great friends that definitely make my life easier. but i'm always worried these will change, bc this is what life does--- distance & change & shit.

but i'm less worried abt the friends than i am abt never feeling like i'm going to find someone who wants the same things that i want. or that i won't find this person until i'm like 40. and 40 is not like, some old spinster depressing age it's just 19 more years away. i don't know if i can handle waiting that long for something to feel right. for someone to feel excited about me, like i'm important and he wants to do something abt it.

guys have a tendency to think i'm just so great and think i'm just always gonna be around. just want to be my "friend." i'm wondering to what extent this is about fear of treating me wrong or losing me blah blah i don't really care. 'cause at a certain point being on a pedastool messes up your circulation/gets tiring. maybe i'm wrong abt this interpretation. i'm just tired.

i could do things better. be better at cutting the bs. nvm. nvm. all of this is getting long.

careless abt my heart & perception. i wonder if it is careless/detrimental to think that i cannot be TRULY happy until i know what it's like not to have to sleep alone, and honestly do hella things alone every day/night. is that a way i bruise myself? by rolling my eyes at strangers who get to be in love, kissing, hugging and holding hands not having to feel alone? maybe. i could choose to see all of this differently. surely i've got plenty of time & things i could be focusing on while not in a relationship but i can't seem to help myself from thinking, "well, i've always had that time." the grass is always greener. it's not that simple. i'm not talking about jealousy or cute lovvie dovvie stuff. i'm talking about growing with and trusting a person deeply with all of yourself. it's a challenge. nothing else really feels like a challenge anymore. i'd take on that challenge. i'm tired of false starts, fear and halfhearted commitment/appreciation/what i've since experienced.

5. my body. i've been particularly horny lately. like "jump someone," horny. and maybe that's careless with my body. maybe that's my right as a woman/human(?) to act on my desires. age old debate. i haven't quite resolved it yet. but i guess it's a lesson in patience/paying attention.

but, anywho. if you've got this far, congratulations and thank you.

i should probably go take a shower & get out of my room.
i have LOADS of work to do today!
yay.

gotta gather me together some ducats

so i can buy Rock Dust Light Star

the (extra) sunshine in my day.

another one of these Saturday nights.

1. i'm tired of crying.
2. i'm tired of the things that make me cry.
3. but at least when i let myself feel i learn something.
4. what i've learned tonight, is that my heart has been broken a lot.
5. a LOT.
6. and i ignore it, because it seems like there's no other way to get through life. who has time to be heartbroken?
7. i was going to list off all the other things i have to deal with to illustrate how much i don't have time to be heartbroken but then i backspaced bc it's not important.
8. well, it is important. all of it is important. that's the point. being heartbroken is also important. there are cracks in my walls. and my shit is gonna come crumbling down if i don't pay attention and break it down brick by brick, piece by piece.
9. my heart has been broken a lot. i imagine heartbreak looks different for different people. but i know mine, what it takes to break my heart... it's been broken a lot. by boys, by friends, by family, by ppl still in my life.
10. problem is, i usually remedy this with distance. i don't know if distance is the answer. i don't know the answer. but i imagine the first step is recognizing that i feel pain and it doesn't have to look like everyone else's to be real.
11. i won't be able to love the way i want to love until i get through this.
12. i had planned to be in the library tonight, working on a paper draft i have due Monday morning. i still don't know what i'm gonna write about besides Black women & the arts. sound real specific don't it?
13. anywho, i'm spent. and CLEARLY, that's not happening tonight.
14. i imagine sleep is an option... i'd like to just go to sleep. but i'm pretty sure what i'm supposed to do with this moment is write. so i'll write.
15. so i don't forget.
16. also, decide on what i'm going to focus on and not look back. goodnight.

"your kiss is on my list of the best things in liiiiiffe"

i'll take eighties music & clothing just abt anyday, but maybe we can leave that mustache & that hair there. haha.
*back to shoulder shimmying & head bobbing*

enjoyin' it!

ba, ba ba ba, ba ba ba, ba ba baaaa

confessions of my triflin side: an effort at accountability

1. i haven't touched my guitar in weeks.
2. i am so inconsistent. one week i practice for at least 20-30min a day, even if at 2am before going to bed.
2. other weeks, not so much.
3. i want to change this.
4. ... eek. i've never even learned a song.
5. i never quite got past chord progression from Em to C, from C to D for "Stand By Me" when my friend showed me at the beginning of the semester.
6. for all the talk i've done about wanting a guitar and learning how to play, smh. i need to get it together and be dedicated.
7. i ALSO need to structure my time to fit in learning how to play my guitar and writing. and writing needs lots of time cause i'm talking journaling, nonfiction stories, poems, adapting poems to performances, submitting pieces, writing lists of what i really want, planning to travel, stuff man.
8. but yo, i been tellin ppl check me out on the guitar in 2011 and 2011 is coming close.
9. i've always wanted to write songs. i've always wanted to learn how to play an instrument, the guitar, just for me at the least.
10. i get the strong feeling that me finally gettin my guitar and not playing it consistently, is like finding the love of my life and leaving him next to the lamp behind my bed, in front of my window... where i keep my guitar.
11. 'cause you know, practicing what you love is important. being grateful for opportunity is important. so. goals.
12. action steps.
a. i wanna learn how to do a couple dexterity exercises with ease.
b. that first chord progression shown to me i mentioned.
c. practice everyday. i'll give myself one day i'm allowed to forget just for shits and giggles but really i want to practice everyday. so maybe that day won't be for shits and giggles, it'll be for if i have a whole lot to do and picking up my guitar would really really distract me and throw me off focus into oblivion. mmkay ;)
d. i want to be learning how to play songs by winter break. um, like. with more comfort and confidence.
13. you know, i don't really know what realistic goals are for this process, but i will just say, i would like to dedicate time to getting better with you. okay? okay. thank you for being there for me.

i'm completely aware that i'm ridiculous. 

i SO enjoy randomly finding new (to me) artists :)

came up in a Feist mix.

I also like "I'd Rather Dance With You" :)

so, apparently Bjork has access to my diary.

Everything In Its Right Place

i wonder what the relationship between these two is.

revelation, couple years in the making, feeling less hardheaded now

1. i assume and i run.

2. every time.

3. is it possible that i'm right about what i see in you? is it possible i can touch a part of you that hasn't been touched yet? is it possible? does this matter? will it change?

4. oh, to be beautiful and alone. shit fucks with you. excuse my expletives.

5. i'm always wanting someone to reach for me, while not doing much reaching.

6. i wonder how much i've ever wanted, more than wanting to be wanted. that's not quite love.

7. i think that's why i've never quite fallen for anyone, for anything.

8. who's not terrified of giving and wanting everything and being left with nothing? ... i'm thinkin, now that i know that's what i've been doing... i'm not terrified. i'm not scared anymore.

9. or rather, i'm finally ready to be courageous.

10. i've been courageous in other stages. usually, the only time i allow myself to do something (and it almost
always turn out great... either way, i'm believing it's been necessary) is when i don't know what the hell i'm getting myself into. i'm always nervous/anxious before starting things; i've got a million ways it's gonna turn out in my head, and all that ever matters is that thing i can't see. what am i gonna do with what i can't see?

11. i think i'm always being taught that i have everything i need to come back from things.

12. RISK.

13. it'll be okay. it'll be fine. it'll be GREAT.

14. i just don't wanna be frozen. i want to be present. whatever is thrown at me that i couldn't see
that's that. and i will respond accordingly.

15. it's a funny thing, listening to your heart. there's this comfort in acting logically, it's a false sense of security to say "this makes sense." Making sense never saved a life. Has it? Well, that's not what is gonna save my life. What's gonna save my life is something that goes past what i could possibly understand from what i've already learned, what i've been inclined to believe. It's gonna be beyond that. 'cause it should be.

16. i don't trust positive signs. i never really have. i'm learning to see them.

17. i've learned about myself recently, that i need someone that's gonna say "Jessica, no, what I'm asking is that I can do _______ for you. Not this other little thing you think I'm offering. I'm offering you much more. Cut it. Stop expecting so little from me. I'm not what you already know. Let me show you something different. Let me open your eyes. Let me love you. Let me appreciate you. Let me in. Let.Me.LetGo."

18. Now that I'm aware I need that, I can look for the moments where I can let go, where I can let people keep speaking, where I can stop trying to run for cover from boldness or nekkedness. I want to stop trying to run for cover. Stop qualifying experiences. If I'm happy, I'm happy. Or more importantly, if I was happy then, I was happy then. Not, "I was happy then but little did I kno later so and so would happen." And?

19. For all my wanting love, I have to remember... I don't get a cookie for loving someone, and not showing it. What grand thing am I doing having the power to do something brave and not doing it? Would I really lose everything if I sustained glance someone? If I let a couple great smart ass comment moments slip by? If I took off the mask of "You can't touch me?" Because that's probably why people don't try to touch me. Because even when I'm more intimate than I ever go I'm still protecting myself. I'm still letting people know, you can't break me. Truth is, no, I won't be broken ... permanently. More importantly, not everyone is trying to break me. But I always try to prepare myself for if they can, if they will.

20. Sometimes I miss people. Sometimes I want to be around them. Sometimes I don't. But truth is, I've just gotten used to not showing much affection because I grew up afraid of rejection of that affection. Or, I figured, for what? What will you do with my heart? What do you know about treating me right that I don't kno? that others don't kno?

21. I want the answers to those last questions. And those answers come from letting people know they matter to me.

22. The world won't end if I let someone know he or she matters to me.
22a. WITHOUT qualifiers. WITHOUT  covers. WITHOUT logic.

23. The way I take in the world may be different from everyone else. The way I experience emotions may be scary or feel like too much sometimes, but I have to let myself be myself and share myself and maybe someone(s) will share themselves with me, authentically and courageously. It's hypocritical to expect someone to give give and prove and reach out without giving them something to hold onto. Without giving them me to hold onto.

24. I'm gonna try this new thing my mom mentioned to me some years ago: start people's tank on full.
Which is to say, either they'll run it down to empty, stay at full ... wait wait. i'm letting go of this metaphor.
It means, I want to try not making everyone prove to me they're worth my heart. Everyone deserves love. Whether love is me finding some change, a dollar whatever to give to someone that touches me on the street or the subway, or love is asking someone to hang out with me or listening to a problem someone has.

25. I don't think love has to be this big untouchable wait forever for thing. Thinking that way is why it hurts so much when I think about never having been in a relationship for 21 (or maybe I'll count it as like 4 because I wasn't really ready to be in nobody's relationship until like 17 or maybe I haven't been ready until now and that's the point of me being alone.... ) years. I'm talking about different kinds of love here. I got into a big argument abt this 2 years ago actually. They're still two different things.

26. I dream of a love that involves *ahem* closer contact than some of the examples I've given but I agree with the person I was in the argument with then now #touche (haha) about loving where present, taking the edge off of the love that's not yet here. I can live with that.

27. I'm learning how to be present. Less anxious. Less scared. Less guarded. I'm really good at those things. How bout I try something different? How bout I challenge myself? How bout it.

28. Mmmmhmmm.

29. i love my life. i LOVE my life. Though there are times I wonder what it would be like if I could touch whatever everyone else seems to get that I ain't gettin I love MY life. It's mine. and I'm gonna do the best with it I can.

30. That's it.

this was a great idea.

the feist clip that is.

this jude law one is just a little ridiculous.

and no, i will not be commenting/posting on the video abt the little black girl lovin her hair. i'm too conflicted abt it. 

i will say this tho, how long has Sesame Street been doing the absolute most?

i had these thoughts today (wee hours to mid afternoon)

1.  when i'm out of school, i'm gonna read LOTS of books. take that! Rat Race. ... not that i'll be in the Rat Race, really...

2. what if i'm not meant to be with just one person? what if i'm just meant to give where i'm meant to give and be given to by who i'm given to? what would that be like? Open my eyes. Sacred comes where sacred comes. How sacred comes is how sacred comes. I'll learn. I just have to get in it.

3. but WHY is she wilin' tho!?! mad real. *while reading Ellen Kennedy's "Shit Poem" *

fin.

"get up. i kno you're down. when you gone get up? i see you're down. when you gone get up?"

"come on put a little love here in my void."

i'm not paying those fines again .

I roll over to 8:30. To 8:45. To 9:29. T0 9:50. I shoot out of bed. Eyes barely open and all. I’m hot. The velor side of the comforter against my body for something like four hours. I shoot up and onto the floor. I pull my tank top down. Yesterday’s bra on the bed post. I strap the back in the front. I twist around. I pull up. I pull up. I put on my jeans. I put on my plaid flannel shirt. I pick up the two books from the window sill. I toy with the idea of running out with a flat afro. I use the skinny end of my rat tail comb and pick my hair out a bit. I’m out in less than a minute. 9:51. The elevator is making “I’m close” sounds so I run. I get to the elevator, on the 16; I make it just as it wants to be on the 14^th, so much so it didn’t even light. It lit with the speed of light than unlit and I didn’t catch the light. 9:52. 9:53? Out and walking. I think about all those people I’ve seen run, this is totally acceptable. I start to run again. I think “Well I don’t even run and I wanted to this year.” I run, in flip flops, until there are more people on the other end of this corner. Many of them don’t know me as the runner. I think one guy maybe saw how I changed states. I decide, “Hey, he saw this thing now.” 9:54. down those Low Library steps. Fast. I’m talking I hardly remember it happening. But I do remember feeling like my calluses were splitting on the balls of my feet. 9:55. 9:55. That walkway just before Butler. 9:55. Tap the black rectangle. 9:55. Two books 9:56. I’m not paying $2 for books I didn’t even finishing reading last night. There’s this one thing I thought at 9:54, I think. At some point, between the steps and the woman that said “Excuse me,” while we were like 2 feet from each other because she underestimated my speed and our ability not to knock into each other, I think “At some point, this has to mean more than I’m not asleep anymore. It has to mean more than I’m just out of my bed.”  So when I walk out of the reserves room, I make it the length of my body and half before I reach out my right hand for the floor.  I sit on the floor, knees at chest level. Me looking up, towards something insignificant. I think, at some point, this has to mean more  than I made it to the Reserves desk, more than I got an early start and I like early starts than “Hey, I should really start running. That would be cool.” It has to mean that I’m going to meet him. Even without brushing my teeth. It has to mean when I’m typing this story he’s not too far away. It has to mean, that I can type “Hello” to him for lack of date with Colgate at 9:51. I miss him. I miss the last time I wrote the man with no face, no skin, no wrapping me around me this morning. I haven’t felt close to him in so long. But I want to. At some point, I want.

so i can remember what worked last time

so! i am writing a paper due at midnight. it is a 7-8 pg paper. i have been trying to work on it for days. i wasn't productive until i started writing it today about 7:15ish. WILDLY, this is working for me. It ain't nothin but the Lord. but there are a couple other circumstances i wanna record maybe for next time i'm in a rut while i'm feeling pretty functional and hella happy to be so :)

1. Fela Kuti Pandora station, where I find the songs I'm always like "Hol' up, what is this?!" is always Fela and not the related people. I can't wait until I get some time to really sit down and study this music, or at least, rather, the lyrics.

2. I done wrote me all kinds of motivational, positive, "Jessica, cut the shit! (fear and doubt and what-ifs)!" notes. And they workin, y'all.

3. Sometimes it really just takes a couple days for something to look different to you and for you to hear it and it click somewhere else for you to REALLY listen and hear. This is why I need to work on papers/readings days in advance. It wasn't until I read these three poems I'm writing about out loud again to myself with a clear mind and calm 'tude that I heard something I believed was happening in them.

4. So stop pressuring me! Gosh darnit!

5. Also, I have to relearn to trust my own process in getting work done. Whether I dare to believe it or not, I know what I'm doing and I always have. I just have to do it, even when it don't make a lick of sense to me or anyone else, when it seems like it would be SO much better for me to do it the way errbody else do it.

6. I had a doo doo crap day and was NOT looking forward to tonight and the midterm I have to do after I finish this paper, but at least I've stopped toying with the idea I may not be capable of completing these assignments to the best of my ability. That's just a matter of throwing EVERYTHING I GOT at these questions, concerns, arguments etc and completing what I can and turning things in on time.

7. Certain things in my day were good. Like an extension on turning in all the response papers not yet turned in for a seminar I missed the last two weeks in a row before today. Smh. haha. Oh, my life! But I'm gonna do my best to catch up here. And to create the least stress environment for myself this semester.

Oh yes!

8. I'm  not gone pretend I know a whole lot, because I've really just started listening to this music but I shall say that I'm excited :) and... proud to be black! :] (I'm aware that there can be all types of arguments about blackness, African-ness and African-American-ness, but I don't care to go into all that right now)

fly.

just so you know, i love the bald white man with the black shirt and glasses. that rock in his body. just bumpin. is everything.

quick update.

1. it may be triflin, but after this one party i went to last Saturday, i've been doing "the Dougie" to almost every song i hear. it's actually ridiculous.
2. had a scary moment earlier this week, tears and mean to myself. a little frustration going to the wrong meeting spot for class yesterday, laid on the steps for a while in exasperation. very dramatic, very writable and hilarious. haha.
3. i need to listen to myself. i will listen to myself.
4. i'm learning how to break up work bit by bit and just to do whatever i can when i can. (it helps that one of my homework assignment is to read Richard Yates by Tao Lin, who is disturbing & ridiculous)
5. some professors actually care about you as a student, as a person. cool. i'm banking on this when i have to explain what's been wrong with me and my performance lately. i'm on the road to being better tho.
6. a mantra suggested to me by a close friend, "Just graduate."

he ain't neva lied. won't never will!

7. i told myself, since i'm typing this before i leave the library at this wild (but i've actually been productive up until now) hour while listening to Summer Romance (Anti-Gravity Love Song) by Incubus bc I ain't listened to Incubus in a while and bc it would keep me from rambling and not getting to bed.

so... i'm off to log off and walk to my room, and go to bed! yes! yes yes yes.

settle down.

I found this song/video over at http://www.etmusiquepourtous.com/2010/10/13/kimbra-settle-down-penguin-prison-remix/

I haven't listened to the remix bc I'm still caught up with the original song and video. Yes!

tuesday morning.

1. when you like somethingone little shit can seem so big. can set you off onto mini monologues of the most frustrating things.

2. i feel like i'm effin up in school. not actual "F" like grade, like doing absolutely nothing, but I definitely have at least one point in each day where I feel like I'm losing when it comes to some class. mostly bc it's hard to keep up with all of that and the other stuff i'm doing which i keep trying to convince myself isn't really that much but my brain thinks it is so that'll be the judge, not a comparison to what everyone else can do, what i think i should be able to do. oh, the overachiever that just won't die in me.

3. school always has me on edge. my school life always has me on edge. everything surrounding it. and i find myself not wanting to leave my room and have to go into it. and i find myself wondering why i'm in college. i know why, so i can have diff experiences and so when my books are published readers can feel rest assured they're getting work from an ivy league graduate, and shit.

4. but all the other stuff i'm doing seems so much more important to me. classes and evaluations... the ideas are nice and important and all that, but the structure of it all is wearing on me. i'm just tired. i tried to pretend in the beginning i wasn't and that i wouldn't be but i'm tired.

5. maybe i should continue talking to someone about it so that it's not just spinning around in my head with all the other things that aren't being said...

6/yay. but not really. sigh. nothing ever really seems simple. but then again, i guess that's everybody's life.

7. at least black theatre makes me happy. at least my other group is better this year.

8. p.s. i'm quitting my job and looking for another in the coming weeks. ask me where i'm getting money from when i do quit my job. wait for the silence and the shrug. yeah.idk. but i trust it's the right decision for me. i have to be more decisive and active and learn how to just deal with the consequences.

9.  *shakes head*

"29 pearls in your kiss, a singing smile"

trouble sleep.

it's that simple.

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/jillscott/wannabeloved.html

Lately

the things I wish I could say in the interest of full disclosure/keepin it realness here are too big, too personal, too easy to touch if you know me... and i can't really risk me being found out on the interwebs without my knowing. in person i know who knows what i'm knowing about me at the moment, but not online, no online anyone could be learning me without my knowing. and usually that's fine, but lately, lately the necessary people need to know first.

on a "what i can tell you" type of note
1. lots of stuff flying around in my head
2. more Chromeo addiction
3. might add a free non credit nonfiction workshop & an acting workshop to the sheh-dwool
4. i'm acting a lil in a production this semester, playing myself, an afro wig (ha.)
5. just date. one of the simplest and hardest things to keep in my mind.
6. liking people is so like, not as simple as it should be gotdammit!
7. i'm simple, ain't i'm? i like to think so.
8. there's this interesting thing that keeps happening in #7 where i was trying to write a word and instead i started spelling "know," like my mind is saying, "Just stop questioning yourself." interesante
9. so, free flow
10. nvm, that one thing i just thought when i said that was too much. so instead
11. night night.
12. night.

i like it.

which is to say, when my friend posted this on fbook earlier today and I happened to click it I got real happy. and then I been listening to music in this vein ever since :)


oh, and Dave 1 attends/teaches at Columbia. go head, envy me. ahahahahaha. no, but seriously, I saw him in the library a couple weeks ago. haha. i'm foolish.

i wish i were a willow, a lover, a mountain, a soft refrain..."

Chicago just put the ill pep in my spirit.

thich nhat hanh

"If there are things that are causing you to suffer, you have to know how to let go of them. Happiness can be attained by letting go, including letting go of your ideas about happiness. You imagine that certain conditions are necessary to your happiness, but deep looking will reveal to you that those notions are the very things standing in the way of happiness and are making you suffer." (73)

"The Buddha taught us that joy and pleasure are based on surrender, on letting go. Are you able to let go of things? If not, your suffering will continue." (74)

"Perhaps you too are the prisoner of your own notion of happiness. There are thousands of paths that lead to happiness, but you have accepted only one. You have not considered other paths because you think that yours is the only one that leads to happiness. You have followed this path with all your might, and so the other paths, the thousands of others, have remained closed to you.

We should be free to experience the happiness that just comes to us without our having to seek it." (75)

"In true love, there is no place for pride. I beg you to remember this. You share happiness and adversity with this person, so you must go to him or her and share the truth about your suffering." (95)

"Are you sure of your perceptions?

There is a river of perceptions in you. You should sit down on the bank of this river and contemplate your perceptions." (99)


I read You Are Here over the summer. I am going to read it again. I got the book from the library like a week or two ago because I knew I would need it during the year. I'm also going to finish reading True Love: A Practice for Awakening the Heart, and then start a book based off his talk with prisoners Be Free Where You Are.

Oh yes, it's not a game.

this song came up on my iTunes shuffle & I'm so glad.

CRITICAL CONDITION -- Ed Roberson

The entire surface of my body is missing
in the sense the entire surface of my body is missing
touch with that body of someone elses in this world
at the moment, it feels that total a missing, that absence
by which you have no body, are disembodied through
the absence of touching a body. This isn't healthy.
For lack of that kiss.

If I lose it said to me that I am loved, lost
with all the lesser connective pertinences and news,
I lose a tongue to the world, and ears, if except
for locational and ambient noise,
am deaf and dumb. I am missing my senses.
If consciousness is connection, I am in a coma
for lack of the kiss of in touch.


--- from his book of poetry, The New Wing of the Labyrinth

you ever just

cry because you don't know what you're doing?
if i could cry... i'd be doing one of those.


but i'll be fine. really. truly.
when i open up the blinds.

all afta the fact

i feel very vulnerable & raw.


i keep doing that embarassment thing i do where i remember something i did and how ridiculous it was/how much i kinda wish i could take it back/done it better and then i close my eyes real tight, exclaim "aaaahhh" while shaking my head like i'm some type of etch-a-sketch and that'll make it all go away.


but it ain't gone go away.
and it shouldn't.


so, i went on an audition yesterday.
in New York City.
for a Writers in Performance Workshop.
i lost myself.
and not
in the good way...


ooh chile.
i wonder when i got so scared to be BIG. like everything shooting out of my fingertips, like speaking and moving with my whole body, how to perform, take it to the next level everything as me.
bc i can act. no one can take that from me. i am talented. but i just get so... regressive sometimes. no, that's unfair. there are many reasons why that audition was just "shake my head like an etch-a-sketchable"


1. i was trying to do too much at once in not enough time for the experience that i have.
a. tryin to memorize a 3min poem the day of an audition
b. still editing the poem the day of the audition.
c. figuring out how to perform this the day of the audition
d. doing all of this in no more than like 4 hrs probably.
2. tho i actually did memorize the work, bc of the subject matter & my level of comfort with performing something that was coming straight from me, my own story that was a LOT.
3. i can act. but that's becoming another person. it took some learning/getting used to/hard work for that. and it's a WHOLE NOTHER BEAST to learn how to perform your own work. i'm much more comfortable with becoming someone else to perform than just telling my story and having to look strangers in the eyes while I do it.
4. I wasn't even prepared mentally when I started it. Like, i was not where I need to be to say what I needed to say. Again, this is something I have to do when I act, or hell even when I sit down to write a paper so I need to learn how to get there before I perform my own work.
5. time. time. time. it takes a substantial amount of time to create a couple minutes worth of beauty and surrender. i was not surrendering and i was not allowing myself to be beautiful. and by beautiful i mean be myself and loving myself enough to let myself go the way i needed to.
6. mindfulness. is so important. how can you perform if you're not all the way there? who are you performing for if you're looking into empty seats or up into the sky? who? not the people watching you. i know that much. i fixed that after i realized i was doing it, but i did it nonetheless.
7. i gotta stop being afraid to be BIG. to be myself. if i can stare into the crowd as a character, as someone else, i can i have to do that as me as well. that's actually more important. what's the point of being half-hearted?
8. to be given a span of time, if even a couple minutes, to a make a moment all your own, to have the attention of everyone in the room (even if it's just 2 ppl at an audition) is an AMAZING thing. a brilliant opportunity to become, to be present, to grow and to feel and i want to remember that. to take advantage of that.
9. i'm so uncomfortable with holding other people's attention, as Jessica. i don't know if it feels selfish somehow, maybe i'm just scared, maybe i still have phantom worries about whether what i have to say really matters. i want to let them go. i want to be all the way here and out of my head. out of the escape. and prepared.
10. i want to be prepared for opportunity. i shall prepare for opportunity by seeking, by taking it to the next level.
11. there's a great giant leap between knowing what you need to do and doing what you need to do.
12. i am ready for the leap.
13. i think i need me some meditation. actually i know i do. i'm not quite sure how that works. hrmmm...  i'm sure it starts with me. and definitely with being kind to myself. and some reading. thich nhat hanh.
14. also, being in school and all that entails and trying to find a way to also be somewhere else, to achieve something else can be really hard. school life takes up SO MUCH HEADSPACE.
15. but that's no excuse. when i wants what i wants i gotta do it all the way.
16. yeah. that.