"We take the pressure and we throw it away/Conventionality belongs to yesterday"

"I solve my problems and I see the light

We got a lovin' thing, we gotta feed it right

There ain't no danger we can go too far

We start believing now that we can be what we are"

I never really listened to these words before. They're beautiful!

i'm adding to my list

that God send me someone that knows how to love me, and shows this through his actions.

A lot of hurt comes from people not even having ill intentions but just not knowing how to love you. It may sound harsh, but sometimes their best is not enough to stop them from causing you pain. Sometimes this problem can be remedied by a conversation, other times by just not wanting from someone who's not meant to give you this thing you're seeking from them, acknowledging that and moving on, forward.

so, i have laryngitis

well, i think i do. either way, i'm losing my voice.

which is particularly interesting bc i just had a conversation with my friend Friday night/Saturday morning abt the way i feel abt my voice.

he was teaching me a Buddhist chant. and from what i understand, an important part of chanting is listening to and focusing on your own voice, its rhythm and vibrations and while we were chanting i began to feel very uncomfortable. for two reasons that i can think of, one being that i'm not ready to make definitive choices abt Christianity vs. Buddhism and i felt like i was engaging in something sacred but not with my whole heart. but the reason related to laryngitis...

in the middle of the five min we chose to chant, i stopped, my legs cross legged, i dropped my hands, i sat there feeling very lost and unsure of my voice. i moved to the side after abt a min and folded my legs into my chest. apparently, i looked traumatized. haha. but yeah...

reason #2 -- i was largely uncomfortable bc i felt like my voice was too small. it literally didn't feel/sound big enough to me. if i could think of a color to describe it, it would be flat. and after we talked abt it i realized that why i feel like my voice was too small  is bc i don't feel heard, when it comes to my relationship with/issues within my family and lately, a couple of men/friends. gah. so yeah.

but now, i've literally had to speak in hoarse-speak and whispers for today and yesterday, and as corny as it may sound, i appreciate the importance of having a voice, of being able to speak--as a physical reality but also as a writer/an artist. so yeah.

and my voice is not as small as i fear it is. i think i just need to give it more care in the way that now, i need to drink a lot of fluids, put my "COUGH DROP"  brand of cough drops in hot, steaming water with Earl Grey tea (well, just bc i like Earl Grey & spelling "grey" with an "e") and rest my voice... when it comes to producing pieces of writing, i need to pay more attention to my work, to take out the time to do what needs to be done so that on a very fundamental level i appreciate the fact that i can speak, that i have something to say, that i have a distinctive voice, but also so that i can share it and get stronger and build dialogue with others, learn even more, write even more, and make life all... richer & stuff :j

so. thank you, laryngitis & life, with all your symbolism and room for reflection. holler holler. (though i can't right now. haha.)

ALSO

I'm also terribly aware that while laryngitic (no, it's not a word, but go with it)

i can't sing :( 

i like to sing! i LOVE music. 

i don't get to have the same experience now.

also... i can kinda sing a little bit, so it sucks to lose that manifestation of my voice as well. 

i don't usually know what to do with singing, aside from enjoying singing alone, tho i think i'd like to do it more as a means of expression. it just opens a whole 'nother world, and lens through which i'd see the world, that i think i have been avoiding. largely, bc writing comes first and i've even had trouble giving that as much of me as i'd really like to, bc it's really hard to devote myself while also in school. i don't always have the headspace, the time, the energy... the discipline to do more than blog, journal and list... i only really poem for class. so yeah. 

also.also. and and. i haven't really spoken up that much in classes this semester, for various reasons but this losing of my voice is making me think about that too. but in that same vein, i've spoken a lot in my extracurricular commitments. i am proud of vocalizing what's important and creating productive dialogue in that way. 

moral of the post: having a voice is a blessing. and i'm glad that i am seeing this more clearly practically/physical (with regards to being able-bodied), emotionally, symbolically, artistically, etcetera etcetera. it's okay to want to be heard, and to express yourself. and the more i grow i realize it's a necessity for me as a person, a writer, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a granddaughter, a member of an organization, a student, a participant in discussion, etcetera etcetera. 

mmhm.

:) 

another one of these Saturday nights.

1. i'm tired of crying.
2. i'm tired of the things that make me cry.
3. but at least when i let myself feel i learn something.
4. what i've learned tonight, is that my heart has been broken a lot.
5. a LOT.
6. and i ignore it, because it seems like there's no other way to get through life. who has time to be heartbroken?
7. i was going to list off all the other things i have to deal with to illustrate how much i don't have time to be heartbroken but then i backspaced bc it's not important.
8. well, it is important. all of it is important. that's the point. being heartbroken is also important. there are cracks in my walls. and my shit is gonna come crumbling down if i don't pay attention and break it down brick by brick, piece by piece.
9. my heart has been broken a lot. i imagine heartbreak looks different for different people. but i know mine, what it takes to break my heart... it's been broken a lot. by boys, by friends, by family, by ppl still in my life.
10. problem is, i usually remedy this with distance. i don't know if distance is the answer. i don't know the answer. but i imagine the first step is recognizing that i feel pain and it doesn't have to look like everyone else's to be real.
11. i won't be able to love the way i want to love until i get through this.
12. i had planned to be in the library tonight, working on a paper draft i have due Monday morning. i still don't know what i'm gonna write about besides Black women & the arts. sound real specific don't it?
13. anywho, i'm spent. and CLEARLY, that's not happening tonight.
14. i imagine sleep is an option... i'd like to just go to sleep. but i'm pretty sure what i'm supposed to do with this moment is write. so i'll write.
15. so i don't forget.
16. also, decide on what i'm going to focus on and not look back. goodnight.