Saturday, April 3, 2010

you can't convince me

that on my Saturday afternoon I should have been doing anything other than adapting the electric slide to this song. (and that it's not completely appropriate to do this with any other song that tickles my fancy : P )

Thursday, April 1, 2010

i'm deciding, again, to believe

So, my friend posted this in her status on Monday:

"21 Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done. 22 If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."(Matt 21:21-22)

I felt like she posted it just for me (but she didn't know that she did). I needed that SO much. I still do. I feel like I need to post it on my wall to wake up to it every morning.

And, I'm realizing one of the reasons I may be finding such a hard time finding inspiration, renewal or even just an extended amount of time where I don't feel "bleh" is because I'm not doing anything different. I'm not hungering, or searching, or trying really hard and risk for anything right now. School has long since stopped being (if it ever was) that.

I went to this (what turned out to be an AMAZING) event called, "The Art of Healing" at my school today, showcasing visual art, spoken word, poetry and musical performances-highlighting the role of art in the process of healing from different forms of violence. Read a poem. But that's not the point. The point is that I looked at the artist's faces and their bodies and in one guy's eyes as they played/performed and it was beautiful. Some threw the music/performances/words into their whole body, other isolated parts and some just into the concentration in eyes. It was so beautiful. I love watching people wear/embody/rocking their love for what they do. I want to get there. I want to get closer- tap into that part of me where the writing comes from and not fear it or distort it into something it's not about, like praise or pride but healing, truth, story, me, gift, God. Mmhm.

So, there are a couple of things I'd like to start believing in again full force. And, I already know I have to add on more to them later when i think about what they are/how to voice them. So far

1. Believe in love. Believe in one written just for me, and don't contemplate the flaws in either of us. Don't let that belief be diminished or enhanced by how close or how far it may exist from now. Just let it be. And pray, I know what to do with it when it comes.
2. In more than just romantic love (for lack of a better term). Practice feeling and finding the love around me, in who I know, in what I do, in little delights throughout the day, of love. Practice loving me 'til I forget other people could even try to do it, comparably.
3. Believe in whatever I finally allow myself to want and live for. Believe in my art, that it is mine, that it exists. That I have a right and the ability to create. That I have a voice. And being scared to share that voice serves no one.
4. Believe that it all really is happening for a reason. And just because that reason seems unfathomable to me, that is no reason to question whether it exists.
5. Believe in daybreak.
6. Believe in rewards for risks.
7. Believe in the Word, and its purpose and necessity in my life.
8. Believe in the usefulness of questions. Don't rush steps ahead (that I sometimes don't even have any control over)
9. Believe that, regardless of how much and however I've been hurt and stale and worn, I don't really know a damn thing about what's in store for me. And if it don't look like the past well then Hal-le-lu! And I believe in my "Hal-lel-lu!" moment. I do.
10. Believe that is okay to tell the truth, even when it ostracizes me, makes me a weirdo, when someone i'm invested in/friends with/related to/looking at with googly eyes doesn't agree with it.

Note: YouTube/Google these artists now: Queen GodIs, Turnstylz, Freddy Fuego, Blitz the Ambassador (and this is tangential 'cause they didn't perform last night but), The Mighty Third Rail.

Monday, March 29, 2010

my friend doesn't know

what he just did for me, sending me this song. sometimes i forget what gets me out of the bad moments, and it's usually music- but usually not the old stuff, it's something new, or something i hadn't listened to close enough to before. thank you, D. never underestimate simple and real and personal truth-- it might be yours (or at least lead you to some).

i love how songs make you feel, you find yourself in it, recognize it and make it yours- find why you're feeling and the part of the story that you're gonna try to heal from. or ... maybe, that's just me.