Saturday, June 25, 2011

one of life's greatest challenges...


i'm struggling with it. i'm realizing that i have a problem with creating and maintaining routines/structure for myself. i can blame having a bagillion interests, tasks and choices but really it's a matter of restraint and discipline. i'm determined to get some calluses on my left fingertips gosh darnit!

and i haven't been doing much writing, except maintaining a dream journal :/
and i've been watching entirely too much television. whoo. damn 3 ft wide plasma flast screen. usually, i hardly ever watch television.

also... i feel ambivalent abt blogging... and i kinda wanna get a tumblr but i get the feeling that would lead to a whole bunch of looking at pictures and it would make my attn span even shorter, tolerant only of images and not other people's words.

i've averaging a tolerance of abt 500 words at a time in reading articles and blog posts. let alone finding a new book to read, tho i have easily have a list of abt 30 i want to get from the library.

and i don't know exactly where in the sky i think money or traveling is gonna fall from if i don't start planning. i've got to find a middleground for myself btw the two extremes of so-not-productive and so-productive-i-dont-realize-i'm-being-run-into-the-ground-and-it's-a-bit-unnatural-all-that-i'm-requiring-of-myself. i blame it on school. and ok ok, i'm responsible too.

i'm also wondering when i'll find a balance between writing/art and social justice issues. i feel like i'm constantly double-majoring in the two or not at all bc i feel overwhelmed to the pt of not being very useful ot well-versed in either sphere. so much to know...

i wonder what it would be like to be away in some cabin w/ no tv, just music, a pen and a pad, or a laptop w/ no internet...and copious amts of food of course, and my guitar, and the video/audio for the lessons (and the picks i ordered on eBay that haven't come yet).

hmmm. i'll have to create that for myself.

i'm not ready to embark on finding a job yet. esp the way ppl describe it as becoming a 9-5 job w/in itself. let's start with volunteering somewhere, perhaps?

i just don't want to be a financial drain in my house. there's no real pressure for me to be bringing in the dough anytime soon, but there will be come fall and into next June. i'll give myself to mid-July? the real question is do i find a rinky dink part time job for cash or do i go all out to find something tailored to my interests for the several month haul? which reminds me of something Will Smith said abt how Plan B distracts from Plan A. but finding any job is not my Plan A. it's a means to an end. Plan A is experiencing some things new, and especially leaving the US or at least going to another couple states I haven't been to before. Sigh.