i was listening to "Lowrider" and this song came up in my Suggestions. cool.

random list, 'bout time.

1. I haven't written in my journal in a long time. I don't know where to start.
2. But I also know the answer to the question implicit in that statement is: somewhere, anywhere, write.
2a. and so I shall, soon.
2b. maybe tonight.
2c. my papers mandate it. my head can't be too full of stuff while writing these things.
3. I should probably eat a snack. I only at once today and that was a bacon cheeseburger deluxe at a diner on the east side, at like 3pm. no bueno. I gotta stop doing stuff like that.
4. i'm taking a break from this list to clip my fingernails. just figured you should know.
5. listening to Musiq Soulchild as I write this. Aijuswanaseing. I remember listening to Musiq while doing puzzles in the summer. yes, I like to do puzzles. people are puzzles. as corny as it sounds. i associate the two a little bit.
6. I need to hurry up and write this paper because my tummy is starting to hurt from the not eating since 3pm, that and my head is starting the feel compacted, like it's pushing in on itself. maybe I'll buy some Doritos and drink some tea.
7. Ihaveanorange.
8. and now I'm listening to India. Arie.
9. I know when I actually start writing in my journal, I'll be writing for at least an hour. Saturday will be that day. Once this paper is done.
10. I probably should have peeled the orange before clipping my nails. haha. But I'll make it.
11. forgetting the list is up here, hours and ichiban Ramen visit from Suitey & two friends later, back to my paper.
12. sooo distracted, bc i'm sooo tired but I don't know what would happen if i took a nap right now so :/
13. stuff.
this will get done. i'm unplugging my ethernet cord.

update on papers.

paper 1: done.
paper 2: due today at noon.
paper 3: It's complicated. I just couldn't do it.
paper 4: due Tuesday
paper 5: It's complicated. I will do it.

"You make me feel like it's morning (morning), but it's well into the afternoon."

You shouldn't know these things about me.

Hella from Giovanni's Room

James Baldwin just be spittin' all kinds of truth and amazingness & humanity & wow. just bare.


“We had been wandering about the city all day and all day Hella had been full of a subject which I had never heard her discuss at such length before: women. She claimed it was hard to be one.

         

‘I don’t see what’s so hard about being a woman. At least, not as long as she’s got a man.’

         

‘That’s just it,’ said she. ‘Hasn’t it ever struck you that that’s a sort of humiliating necessity?’” (124)

“‘But it does seem—well, difficult—to be a the mercy of some gross, unshaven stranger before you can begin to be yourself.’”

“‘Well,’ she said, ‘you may not be a stranger now. But you were once and I’m sure you will be again—many times.’” (125)

“ ‘For a woman,’ she said, ‘I think a man is always a stranger. And there’s something awful about being at the mercy of a stranger.”

“‘Ah!’ she said, ‘men may be at the mercy of women—I think men like that idea, it strokes the misogynist in them. But if a particular man is at the mercy of a particular woman—why, he’s somehow stopped being a man. And the lady, then, is more neatly trapped than ever.”

“I’d like to see you at anybody’s mercy, Hella.”

“‘You may laugh,’ she said, humorously, ‘but there is something in what I say. I began to realize it in Spain—that I wasn’t free, that I couldn’t be free until I was attached—no, committed—to someone.”

“‘I don’t know,’ she said at last, ‘but I’m beginning to think that women get attached to something really by default. They’d give it up, if they could, anytime, for a man. Of course they can’t admit this, and neither can most of them let go of what they have. But I think it kills them—perhaps I only mean,’ she added, after a moment, ‘that it would have killed me.’”

“It isn’t what I’ve got. It isn’t even what I want. It’s that you’ve got me. So now I can be—your obedient and most loving servant.” (126)

“‘Why,’ she said, ‘I’m talking about my life. I’ve got you to take care of and feed and torment and trick and love—I’ve got you to put up with. From now on, I can have a wonderful time complaining about being a woman. But I won’t be terrified that I’m not one.’ She looked at my face, and laughed. ‘Oh, I’ll be doing other things,’ she cried. ‘I won’t stop being intelligent. I’ll read and argue and think and all that—and I’ll make a great point of not thinking your thoughts—and you’ll be pleased because I’m sure the resulting confusion will cause you to see that I’ve only got a finite woman’s mind, after all. And, if God is good, you’ll love me more and more and we’ll be quite happy.’ She laughed again. ‘Don’t bother your head about it, sweetheart. Leave it to me.’” (126)


i can't say that i agree with everything that she's saying but she does raise some very interesting questions/present ideas that i know emotionally and haven't quite been able to vocalize, particularly not feeling like a woman unless i'm wanted not so much with the getting attached to something by default. but yes! to writing a paper on this.

Ambrosia

if i could go back to any decade, just for the music.. well dang. it's a tie btw the 70s and 80s. but today, the 70s. for so so many reasons. mostly the love songs and the funk.





also this song is just the bees knees. my mom turned me on to this. well, probably Ambrosia too. but yea.