Aliens, love--where are they?

Hella from Giovanni's Room

James Baldwin just be spittin' all kinds of truth and amazingness & humanity & wow. just bare.


“We had been wandering about the city all day and all day Hella had been full of a subject which I had never heard her discuss at such length before: women. She claimed it was hard to be one.

         

‘I don’t see what’s so hard about being a woman. At least, not as long as she’s got a man.’

         

‘That’s just it,’ said she. ‘Hasn’t it ever struck you that that’s a sort of humiliating necessity?’” (124)

“‘But it does seem—well, difficult—to be a the mercy of some gross, unshaven stranger before you can begin to be yourself.’”

“‘Well,’ she said, ‘you may not be a stranger now. But you were once and I’m sure you will be again—many times.’” (125)

“ ‘For a woman,’ she said, ‘I think a man is always a stranger. And there’s something awful about being at the mercy of a stranger.”

“‘Ah!’ she said, ‘men may be at the mercy of women—I think men like that idea, it strokes the misogynist in them. But if a particular man is at the mercy of a particular woman—why, he’s somehow stopped being a man. And the lady, then, is more neatly trapped than ever.”

“I’d like to see you at anybody’s mercy, Hella.”

“‘You may laugh,’ she said, humorously, ‘but there is something in what I say. I began to realize it in Spain—that I wasn’t free, that I couldn’t be free until I was attached—no, committed—to someone.”

“‘I don’t know,’ she said at last, ‘but I’m beginning to think that women get attached to something really by default. They’d give it up, if they could, anytime, for a man. Of course they can’t admit this, and neither can most of them let go of what they have. But I think it kills them—perhaps I only mean,’ she added, after a moment, ‘that it would have killed me.’”

“It isn’t what I’ve got. It isn’t even what I want. It’s that you’ve got me. So now I can be—your obedient and most loving servant.” (126)

“‘Why,’ she said, ‘I’m talking about my life. I’ve got you to take care of and feed and torment and trick and love—I’ve got you to put up with. From now on, I can have a wonderful time complaining about being a woman. But I won’t be terrified that I’m not one.’ She looked at my face, and laughed. ‘Oh, I’ll be doing other things,’ she cried. ‘I won’t stop being intelligent. I’ll read and argue and think and all that—and I’ll make a great point of not thinking your thoughts—and you’ll be pleased because I’m sure the resulting confusion will cause you to see that I’ve only got a finite woman’s mind, after all. And, if God is good, you’ll love me more and more and we’ll be quite happy.’ She laughed again. ‘Don’t bother your head about it, sweetheart. Leave it to me.’” (126)


i can't say that i agree with everything that she's saying but she does raise some very interesting questions/present ideas that i know emotionally and haven't quite been able to vocalize, particularly not feeling like a woman unless i'm wanted not so much with the getting attached to something by default. but yes! to writing a paper on this.

papers.

paper # 1 (due tonight). i'm currently writing a paper about a poet with a crush on a musician. oh, the irony. i'm enjoying it/gonna enjoy it all day as long as i operate in the space of how funny/interesting it is/the potential for introspection but also a privileged view into the psyche of a fellow feeling-a-lot person.

paper #2 (it's complicated, final draft 12/20). uuurrrgghh. this one. *le sigh* hopefully i'll get to write about creative writing here too and place it in a context and write 15 pages? before Monday...

paper #3 (due next Thursday 12/16) must meet with professor Monday. must outline the hell out of what i want to talk about and focus my thesis as much as possible before Monday. must do paper like it's due Tuesday until bed, then act like it's due Wednesday fa real fa real cause it's due noon Thursday and I don't wanna rush. I want an A. hey, it's possible. I'm writing about James Baldwin!

paper #4 (due 12/21, in Spanish) i'm just going to finish this class the best i can. i don't usually make so many mistakes in language classes/it's more logistical than anything else... i won't be actively learning Spanish again probably until I just go to a Spanish speaking country, i'm tired of taking classes in Spanish, which is to say it's hard enough thinking in English at Columbia, which is to say I feel perpetually inadequate, which is to say i'm trippin, which is to say, "Get it done."

all in all, my fate of writing 40 pages (minimum) in final papers before the end of the semester is not too terrible. with the right attitude i might just maybe perhaps enjoy it!

p.s.

i realized that i'm a little extreme at times, in talks today.

i have to stop doing this thing where i pick one identity and decide that's all i've got, and all of my worth is there...
like it's the only thing i'm good at...
well, i think it happens subconsciously.

i was a student (high school), a student, a student, a student, learner, knowledge seeker, student, student, student
everything else second. many other things made me then
even more things make me now
but... since i've been in college, tho, duh, i'm still a student, i don't feel like it's *my* thing anymore. don't really make me special. regardless of whether it sounds corny or not, or even the fact that i just realized it
i wanna be special.

writing makes me feel special. i LOVE writing. i mean, i love learning but i LOVE writing.

so, since college, when i needed to feel powerful again, when i needed to fight for something to hold onto, something to be (because *student* is taken by all the other damn Columbia kids that are now more enthusiastic than me) i said writer, writer writer writer, how do i become a writer, oh, well i'm already a writer, what do writers do? oh, i'm not really like that and that's cool but nonetheless writer writer writer writer

writer

guess who needs to stop limiting her notions of herself

this girl.

but, the first step is acknowledging that you have a problem. i intend to fix mine now that i know i'm being unfair to myself. i feel positive about that. good to have sounding boards, and good to have friends and good to have support and good to have positive, reaffirming reality checks

p.s. 

did i tell you

that i realized this weekend

that i'm a loving person?

when did that happen?

haha.

'cause it's not just me noticing it

it's like playing out in my actions & stuff, and people notice it

i've even been told                                                                                           i love hard... 

haha.

yeah, but that's nice. and it's true. 

and i'm starting to realize just how many things i do out of love,

things that come automatically,

that just seem right

i always do best when i follow my instincts and don't question/obsess over thangs 

whether it's loving people, what i do/organizations, what i'm learning, music, places, people, etc

hrrmmm... lately, remembering me. how do i love me hard?

by doing all that i can for my present and ESP during finals, future self. 

whether that's school work, addressing misconceptions/perceptions, reconciling & reviewing the past, acknowledging and changing damaging behaviors or ways of thinking, smiling, pushing through, writing, listing, friend time, crying, stuff.

it's all good. 

random rationale (i found in my notepad for class) for why i'll probably end up with a musician (or whatever)

haha. i'm not completely invested in that outcome btdubbs.

but it goes like this:


i assume a musician knows
               about
time      timing      finesse     feeling into action     letting go
pressure     control     patience     action out of feeling     seeking and finding     digging into (it)
what sounds right/what doesn't     discipline     when & where he enters & exits     climbing out of (it) or huh?
support(harmony)     stepping front & center(melody)     moving     stopping     arrangements
                                              heart and soul and spirit and black things.


... and this is what my notebooks look like, with the occasional scribblings of notes for class.

enjoyin' it!

revelation, couple years in the making, feeling less hardheaded now

1. i assume and i run.

2. every time.

3. is it possible that i'm right about what i see in you? is it possible i can touch a part of you that hasn't been touched yet? is it possible? does this matter? will it change?

4. oh, to be beautiful and alone. shit fucks with you. excuse my expletives.

5. i'm always wanting someone to reach for me, while not doing much reaching.

6. i wonder how much i've ever wanted, more than wanting to be wanted. that's not quite love.

7. i think that's why i've never quite fallen for anyone, for anything.

8. who's not terrified of giving and wanting everything and being left with nothing? ... i'm thinkin, now that i know that's what i've been doing... i'm not terrified. i'm not scared anymore.

9. or rather, i'm finally ready to be courageous.

10. i've been courageous in other stages. usually, the only time i allow myself to do something (and it almost
always turn out great... either way, i'm believing it's been necessary) is when i don't know what the hell i'm getting myself into. i'm always nervous/anxious before starting things; i've got a million ways it's gonna turn out in my head, and all that ever matters is that thing i can't see. what am i gonna do with what i can't see?

11. i think i'm always being taught that i have everything i need to come back from things.

12. RISK.

13. it'll be okay. it'll be fine. it'll be GREAT.

14. i just don't wanna be frozen. i want to be present. whatever is thrown at me that i couldn't see
that's that. and i will respond accordingly.

15. it's a funny thing, listening to your heart. there's this comfort in acting logically, it's a false sense of security to say "this makes sense." Making sense never saved a life. Has it? Well, that's not what is gonna save my life. What's gonna save my life is something that goes past what i could possibly understand from what i've already learned, what i've been inclined to believe. It's gonna be beyond that. 'cause it should be.

16. i don't trust positive signs. i never really have. i'm learning to see them.

17. i've learned about myself recently, that i need someone that's gonna say "Jessica, no, what I'm asking is that I can do _______ for you. Not this other little thing you think I'm offering. I'm offering you much more. Cut it. Stop expecting so little from me. I'm not what you already know. Let me show you something different. Let me open your eyes. Let me love you. Let me appreciate you. Let me in. Let.Me.LetGo."

18. Now that I'm aware I need that, I can look for the moments where I can let go, where I can let people keep speaking, where I can stop trying to run for cover from boldness or nekkedness. I want to stop trying to run for cover. Stop qualifying experiences. If I'm happy, I'm happy. Or more importantly, if I was happy then, I was happy then. Not, "I was happy then but little did I kno later so and so would happen." And?

19. For all my wanting love, I have to remember... I don't get a cookie for loving someone, and not showing it. What grand thing am I doing having the power to do something brave and not doing it? Would I really lose everything if I sustained glance someone? If I let a couple great smart ass comment moments slip by? If I took off the mask of "You can't touch me?" Because that's probably why people don't try to touch me. Because even when I'm more intimate than I ever go I'm still protecting myself. I'm still letting people know, you can't break me. Truth is, no, I won't be broken ... permanently. More importantly, not everyone is trying to break me. But I always try to prepare myself for if they can, if they will.

20. Sometimes I miss people. Sometimes I want to be around them. Sometimes I don't. But truth is, I've just gotten used to not showing much affection because I grew up afraid of rejection of that affection. Or, I figured, for what? What will you do with my heart? What do you know about treating me right that I don't kno? that others don't kno?

21. I want the answers to those last questions. And those answers come from letting people know they matter to me.

22. The world won't end if I let someone know he or she matters to me.
22a. WITHOUT qualifiers. WITHOUT  covers. WITHOUT logic.

23. The way I take in the world may be different from everyone else. The way I experience emotions may be scary or feel like too much sometimes, but I have to let myself be myself and share myself and maybe someone(s) will share themselves with me, authentically and courageously. It's hypocritical to expect someone to give give and prove and reach out without giving them something to hold onto. Without giving them me to hold onto.

24. I'm gonna try this new thing my mom mentioned to me some years ago: start people's tank on full.
Which is to say, either they'll run it down to empty, stay at full ... wait wait. i'm letting go of this metaphor.
It means, I want to try not making everyone prove to me they're worth my heart. Everyone deserves love. Whether love is me finding some change, a dollar whatever to give to someone that touches me on the street or the subway, or love is asking someone to hang out with me or listening to a problem someone has.

25. I don't think love has to be this big untouchable wait forever for thing. Thinking that way is why it hurts so much when I think about never having been in a relationship for 21 (or maybe I'll count it as like 4 because I wasn't really ready to be in nobody's relationship until like 17 or maybe I haven't been ready until now and that's the point of me being alone.... ) years. I'm talking about different kinds of love here. I got into a big argument abt this 2 years ago actually. They're still two different things.

26. I dream of a love that involves *ahem* closer contact than some of the examples I've given but I agree with the person I was in the argument with then now #touche (haha) about loving where present, taking the edge off of the love that's not yet here. I can live with that.

27. I'm learning how to be present. Less anxious. Less scared. Less guarded. I'm really good at those things. How bout I try something different? How bout I challenge myself? How bout it.

28. Mmmmhmmm.

29. i love my life. i LOVE my life. Though there are times I wonder what it would be like if I could touch whatever everyone else seems to get that I ain't gettin I love MY life. It's mine. and I'm gonna do the best with it I can.

30. That's it.

i had these thoughts today (wee hours to mid afternoon)

1.  when i'm out of school, i'm gonna read LOTS of books. take that! Rat Race. ... not that i'll be in the Rat Race, really...

2. what if i'm not meant to be with just one person? what if i'm just meant to give where i'm meant to give and be given to by who i'm given to? what would that be like? Open my eyes. Sacred comes where sacred comes. How sacred comes is how sacred comes. I'll learn. I just have to get in it.

3. but WHY is she wilin' tho!?! mad real. *while reading Ellen Kennedy's "Shit Poem" *

fin.

i'm not paying those fines again .

I roll over to 8:30. To 8:45. To 9:29. T0 9:50. I shoot out of bed. Eyes barely open and all. I’m hot. The velor side of the comforter against my body for something like four hours. I shoot up and onto the floor. I pull my tank top down. Yesterday’s bra on the bed post. I strap the back in the front. I twist around. I pull up. I pull up. I put on my jeans. I put on my plaid flannel shirt. I pick up the two books from the window sill. I toy with the idea of running out with a flat afro. I use the skinny end of my rat tail comb and pick my hair out a bit. I’m out in less than a minute. 9:51. The elevator is making “I’m close” sounds so I run. I get to the elevator, on the 16; I make it just as it wants to be on the 14^th, so much so it didn’t even light. It lit with the speed of light than unlit and I didn’t catch the light. 9:52. 9:53? Out and walking. I think about all those people I’ve seen run, this is totally acceptable. I start to run again. I think “Well I don’t even run and I wanted to this year.” I run, in flip flops, until there are more people on the other end of this corner. Many of them don’t know me as the runner. I think one guy maybe saw how I changed states. I decide, “Hey, he saw this thing now.” 9:54. down those Low Library steps. Fast. I’m talking I hardly remember it happening. But I do remember feeling like my calluses were splitting on the balls of my feet. 9:55. 9:55. That walkway just before Butler. 9:55. Tap the black rectangle. 9:55. Two books 9:56. I’m not paying $2 for books I didn’t even finishing reading last night. There’s this one thing I thought at 9:54, I think. At some point, between the steps and the woman that said “Excuse me,” while we were like 2 feet from each other because she underestimated my speed and our ability not to knock into each other, I think “At some point, this has to mean more than I’m not asleep anymore. It has to mean more than I’m just out of my bed.”  So when I walk out of the reserves room, I make it the length of my body and half before I reach out my right hand for the floor.  I sit on the floor, knees at chest level. Me looking up, towards something insignificant. I think, at some point, this has to mean more  than I made it to the Reserves desk, more than I got an early start and I like early starts than “Hey, I should really start running. That would be cool.” It has to mean that I’m going to meet him. Even without brushing my teeth. It has to mean when I’m typing this story he’s not too far away. It has to mean, that I can type “Hello” to him for lack of date with Colgate at 9:51. I miss him. I miss the last time I wrote the man with no face, no skin, no wrapping me around me this morning. I haven’t felt close to him in so long. But I want to. At some point, I want.

it's that simple.

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/jillscott/wannabeloved.html

this song came up on my iTunes shuffle & I'm so glad.

i'm tryin to figure out how i've gone so long w/o knowing abt (which is to say, listening to) Bjork

okay, so i was just gonna leave it at the video but i have to share the thoughts circling around in my head.


1. wait, why is this robot so life like?
2. why does she have eyelashes? yes!
3. why is this so beautiful?
4. wait, there's another robot?
5. wait, are these robot lesbians?
6. why does this kiss look so real?
7. why does Bjork go so hard?
8. damn, these lyrics! wow. 
9. if these two songs were the best and the only good songs she had i would be satisfied, but i know that's not true. i know there's more and that knowing goes somewhere deeper than excited, that's like vibrating around the edges of my heart right now.
10. i love when people like this appear in my life. 
11. she's so weird. it's so beautiful. 

Music Gives Me Hope

It'll be interesting to see what's the first song that comes to mind once i finish this. Up, i done thought of one already: "I Know It's You" by Donny Hathaway. Sigh with joy when I allow myself to really listen. Oh, and Amel Larrieux's "Make Me Whole." Dammit. I'll make a list. Warning, most obvious most true warning: this list will not be complete and cover the expanse of my heart.

1. "I Know It's You" -Donny Hathaway
2. "Make Me Whole"- Amel Larrieux
3. "For Once in My Life"-Stevie Wonder
4. "Sunshine of My Life"- Stevie Wonder
5. "Overjoyed"
6. "Do I Do"
7.  "All I Do"
8. "That Girl"
9. "I Was Made to Love Her"
10. "Knocks Me Off My Feet" (ugh! just gotta close your eyes and see that walk in the park!)
11. "As"
12. "You and I"
See a trend? I can't ever just listen to one Stevie Wonder song. It's one of those things i tell myself i'm gonna do just to allow me to go down that road. That's a list in itself and i'm sure many people have them.
13. Now for more Donny, "Love Love Love"
14. "A Song for You"
15. "Nothing Even Matters" (!) - Lauryn Hill & D'Angelo
16. funnily enough "I Used to Love Him" - Lauryn Hill & Mary J. Blige
17. "For Real" -Amel Larrieux
18. "Try Your Wings" -Amel Larrieux (it's a jazz standard but I heard her sing it first)
19.  Lauryn Hill singing "Can't Take My Eyes Off of You"
20. "Stellar" (!)- Incubus
21. "Dig"- Incubus
22. "Sun Comes Up" -John Legend
23. "Love is You" - Chrisette Michele
24. "I'd Do It All Again" - Corinne Bailey Rae (and when you know the history that goes with it and pay close attention to the video, it becomes even more amazing)
25. "Call Me When You Get This"- Corinne Bailey Rae
26. "Head Over Feet"- Alanis Morisette
27. "No One Else"- Amel Larrieux
28. "Heaven Must Be Likes This" -Ohio Players
29. "Always & Forever" - Heatwave
30.  "Iris" - Goo Goo Dolls
31. "Angel"- Groove Theory
32. "Didja Know" - Groove Theory
33. "For the Love of You"  (!)- The Isley Brothers
34. "Maybe Tomorrow"- The Jackson 5
35. "Not Like Crazy" - Jill Scott
36. "It's Love" - Jill Scott
37. "The Way" - Jill Scott
38. "Hello, It's Me." - The Isley Brothers, Amel Larrieux, John Legend (each of them have a version)
39. "Ordinary People" -John Legend
40. "P.D.A." - John Legend ;]
41. "Only Heart" - John Mayer
42. "Daughters" - John Mayer
43. "City Love" - John Mayer (!!!was a little obsessed before I left for college)
44. "Love Song for No One" - John Mayer
45. "Dulce Compania" - Julieta Venegas (if I'm translating it right with my knowledge of Spanish, haha.)
46. "Glow" - Kelis
47.  "I'm Into You," "Set You Free," "Inside" - Kem
48.  "I Belong to You" - Lenny Kravitz
49.  "Dreaming Wide Awake" - Lizz Wright
50.  "Sunshine" - Lupe Fiasco
51. "...And He Gets the Girl" - Lupe Fiasco
52. "Never Too Much" - Luther Vandross
53. "Eight Days A Week" - The Beatles
54. "I Want to Hold Your Hand" - The Beatles
55. "Get to Know Ya" -  Maxwell
56. "realove" - Musiq
57. "Romancipation" - Musiq
58. "Her" - Musiq
59. "Speechless" - Musiq
60. "Misty" - Nancy Wilson (heard her sing it first)
61. "Fly Me to the Moon" - Nancy Wilson (same)
62. "The Very Thought of You" - Nancy Wilson (same)
63.  "Pretty World" - Sergio Mendes & Brasil '66
64.  "You've Really Got A Hold On Me" - Smokey Robinson & The Miracles (i just imagine slow dancing to this in the living room)
65.  "Quiet Storm" - Smokey Robinson
66. "Send One You Love" - Stevie Wonder
67. "Heaven Must Be Missing An Angel" - Tavares
68. "Get Ready"- The Temptations (!!!)
69. "When Somebody Loves You Back"- (R.I.P.) Teddy Pendergrass
70. "My Girl" - The Temptations
71. "Anniversary" - Toni!Tony!Tone!"
72. "Somersault" - Zero 7
73. "Only Have Eyes for You" - The Flamingos
74."Til the End of Time" - The Flamingos
75. "Lovers Never Say Goodbye" - The Flamingos
76. "For Lovers Only" - Maxwell
77.  "(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman" - Aretha Franklin
78. "Daydreaming" - Aretha Franklin
79. "I'll Write A Song for You" - Earth, Wind & Fire


And anything else that lets me know I'm not the only one hungry. Actually that's this song, "The Blues Are Brewin" -Billie Holiday and when i heard her sing, "When the Lord up above you/sends someone to love you/the blues are something you lose." I stopped. (My) Deep dark secret belief being aired out all crazy. Alright, not too deep and dark and secret but yeah. And that's not to disregard the importance of self-love and knowing other things can making you happy and etc. Now, I know that line from the song maybe a complex and contested statement but shoot for that moment i said, Ah ha yes! I have reasons for each song above and I'm sure I'm missing some but I can only do so much at once.

And what made me think about this, these sites:  GivesMeHope and LoveGivesMeHope. Now, call it sappy if you want, but I melt (and by melt, i mean i get all warm inside and find a tear or two in the corner of my eyes) a little after reading a few of these in one sitting.

And until I get to know what I'm feeling about each time I hear these songs, Music Gives Me Hope.. for Love.

this is my jam! (or one of them... ;])

"And baby when the sun comes up

I’m gonna be holding you

It’s destiny that you’re next to me

I’m in love with you

Oh and baby when I wake up

I’m gonna be there with you

A new day rise

I wanna look in your eyes

when the sun comes up."

So. There is just something about this... I think about it sometimes. Not just the "love is here with a second chance" aspect, though that's a great part of it as well, but having somebody there when the sun comes up. And not just anybody, "destiny." Waking up with someone you're in love with. I guess I imagine it as more than just "waking up" for the day but for so many other things. Waking up to each other, to possibility, to dreams, and endurance, and lasting and waking up everywhere inside. Having someone to wake up to/wake up with, this simultaneous action in love. Heightened, rising with/to the sun. Some of The best mornings for me are when the sun is just hitting so many spots in my room, if not flooding it. (that reminds me of this chapter in The Scarlet Letter called a "Flood of Sunshine. i think i did a project on it. Mad symbolism but that's neither here nor there but yes) And so sometimes, i think I stare at sun rays, stare at what the sun is lighting up in my room and smile. Thank the window, and the shade for its modesty. "When the sun comes up, I'm gonna be holding you." You know, sun is good for you, with its Vitamin D and golden (aura) brown bestowing abilities. And, right now I don't know if I can fully wrap my mind around the idea of having this relationship set in motion of associating the sun and the one you love. I think we do it all the time, even if we've never had it/been in love. We associate "destiny" (read, "the one") with warmth, life, light/rescue from darkness, waking you up, vibrancy, something that will always be there etc etc more.Or maybe, that's just me. Except, I won't go blind staring at "destiny" but there's definitely another risk there. I shall not rant on. A lil John Legend can make my day! "Woooaah yeaeeah"