Wednesday, November 17, 2010

sun in my face

so, today

i found a mole on my shoulder i don't remember ever seeing before. i'm sure it was always there, it's that inset in the skin beauty mark kind. i just never look at my shoulder closely i guess, it kinda hurts the eyes. but either way, it's on my left shoulder, pretty.

i've been wondering lately about my sense of awareness. bc i keep doing little things that make me wonder whether they're a symbol or sign of something. to be specific

i keep knocking into things and hurting my body by accident like,

routinely: hitting my hip on the edges of desks, walking into my doorknob, my hand knocking into things, papercut

...and while moving a table from room to room, getting my left hand caught in between a table that was behind me and the table i was carrying

i don't kno. i can't remember all of the instances but suffice it to say i'm not particularly clumsy so all of this is a little weird for me, like it's a sign i'm being careless with my body and that as a symbol for something bigger. i wonder.

i guess... what could i be being careless abt...?

1. my future: lately, i've had this nebulous idea of graduating and leaving the country but i have yet to start making real plans abt this. it's probably bc i can hardly handle the present (and how the past is factoring into my present) let alone figure out what to do with something as big as that. i'm sure i have plenty of options. there just never seems to be enough hours in a day. maybe i should start drinking coffee, 5 hr energy or something.

2. nutrition? i had Chipotle Saturday & Sunday, and i'm contemplating having it again today. this is not a normal occurrence but it's a weird thing this week. i just decided i'm not gonna do it today. but yeah, nutrition. i'm not particularly unhealthy, i put something green on my plate. but the past couple days i think i've been considering eating as a means of happiness. i'm too self-aware to really make this a practice. i'm hyper aware of addictions so that's not a real worry. practically, i'm more interested in figuring out how i can eat for energy or "brain food" because i'm SO tired ALL of the time. tired of school, tired of a lot of things mentally, physically and emotionally. that's a lot of tired and it wears on me.

3. schoolwork: being depressed. i built up this habit of allowing myself to do whatever it takes to feel less like hot funky doo doo. or even stale musty doo doo. to not cry. to not end up balling up in a corner and crying uncontrollably. or dropping on the floor in an elevator. whatever blah blah weariness. but it affects my schoolwork when i give myself these allowances. i'll never get past if i don't push through it. sometimes i push through it, other times i just want immediate gratification and if listening to music for hrs or watching online tv or writing does that i have the tendency to do it.

it just hurts not to feel as excited abt school as i used to, as everyone here at Columbia (or at least the people in my class, who remind me of myself in high school) seem to be. i hardly ever feel moved to talk in class, excited or enthused about anything. i just go in and watch the clock until i get to leave.

my recipe for getting good grades used to seem so simple: 1) go to class 2) pay attention 3) do the reading/work on time 4)engage/talk when moved in class.
steps 1-4 are the hardest things for me. i feel like i lost some ability and i don't know how it happened and i don't know how to get it back. and it doesn't help that i have research papers to do with no real interests or passions for anything. i can imagine what i'd be interested in but it's never enough concern or intrigue to go the extra mile or take great initiative like i used to. i hate feeling so half-assed abt everything.

4. my heart:: i've been thinking lately about perception. and how i've spent most of my life thinking that i won't be truly happy until i know that i'm  not entirely alone, and that i won't always have to be alone.

let's define "alone"
1. without a partner, sure
2. but it's also about belonging
3. it's also abt feeling like i fit somewhere or with someones, like i can surrender
4. like i can reach out and someone will be there, always

i don't know whether 4 is unrealistic or fair but yeah.

i just know that i have this fear that i'm going to be convinced by life i don't really need anyone but myself. again, this is about perception.
i have great friends that definitely make my life easier. but i'm always worried these will change, bc this is what life does--- distance & change & shit.

but i'm less worried abt the friends than i am abt never feeling like i'm going to find someone who wants the same things that i want. or that i won't find this person until i'm like 40. and 40 is not like, some old spinster depressing age it's just 19 more years away. i don't know if i can handle waiting that long for something to feel right. for someone to feel excited about me, like i'm important and he wants to do something abt it.

guys have a tendency to think i'm just so great and think i'm just always gonna be around. just want to be my "friend." i'm wondering to what extent this is about fear of treating me wrong or losing me blah blah i don't really care. 'cause at a certain point being on a pedastool messes up your circulation/gets tiring. maybe i'm wrong abt this interpretation. i'm just tired.

i could do things better. be better at cutting the bs. nvm. nvm. all of this is getting long.

careless abt my heart & perception. i wonder if it is careless/detrimental to think that i cannot be TRULY happy until i know what it's like not to have to sleep alone, and honestly do hella things alone every day/night. is that a way i bruise myself? by rolling my eyes at strangers who get to be in love, kissing, hugging and holding hands not having to feel alone? maybe. i could choose to see all of this differently. surely i've got plenty of time & things i could be focusing on while not in a relationship but i can't seem to help myself from thinking, "well, i've always had that time." the grass is always greener. it's not that simple. i'm not talking about jealousy or cute lovvie dovvie stuff. i'm talking about growing with and trusting a person deeply with all of yourself. it's a challenge. nothing else really feels like a challenge anymore. i'd take on that challenge. i'm tired of false starts, fear and halfhearted commitment/appreciation/what i've since experienced.

5. my body. i've been particularly horny lately. like "jump someone," horny. and maybe that's careless with my body. maybe that's my right as a woman/human(?) to act on my desires. age old debate. i haven't quite resolved it yet. but i guess it's a lesson in patience/paying attention.

but, anywho. if you've got this far, congratulations and thank you.

i should probably go take a shower & get out of my room.
i have LOADS of work to do today!