so, today

i found a mole on my shoulder i don't remember ever seeing before. i'm sure it was always there, it's that inset in the skin beauty mark kind. i just never look at my shoulder closely i guess, it kinda hurts the eyes. but either way, it's on my left shoulder, pretty.

i've been wondering lately about my sense of awareness. bc i keep doing little things that make me wonder whether they're a symbol or sign of something. to be specific

i keep knocking into things and hurting my body by accident like,

routinely: hitting my hip on the edges of desks, walking into my doorknob, my hand knocking into things, papercut

...and while moving a table from room to room, getting my left hand caught in between a table that was behind me and the table i was carrying

i don't kno. i can't remember all of the instances but suffice it to say i'm not particularly clumsy so all of this is a little weird for me, like it's a sign i'm being careless with my body and that as a symbol for something bigger. i wonder.

i guess... what could i be being careless abt...?

1. my future: lately, i've had this nebulous idea of graduating and leaving the country but i have yet to start making real plans abt this. it's probably bc i can hardly handle the present (and how the past is factoring into my present) let alone figure out what to do with something as big as that. i'm sure i have plenty of options. there just never seems to be enough hours in a day. maybe i should start drinking coffee, 5 hr energy or something.

2. nutrition? i had Chipotle Saturday & Sunday, and i'm contemplating having it again today. this is not a normal occurrence but it's a weird thing this week. i just decided i'm not gonna do it today. but yeah, nutrition. i'm not particularly unhealthy, i put something green on my plate. but the past couple days i think i've been considering eating as a means of happiness. i'm too self-aware to really make this a practice. i'm hyper aware of addictions so that's not a real worry. practically, i'm more interested in figuring out how i can eat for energy or "brain food" because i'm SO tired ALL of the time. tired of school, tired of a lot of things mentally, physically and emotionally. that's a lot of tired and it wears on me.

3. schoolwork: being depressed. i built up this habit of allowing myself to do whatever it takes to feel less like hot funky doo doo. or even stale musty doo doo. to not cry. to not end up balling up in a corner and crying uncontrollably. or dropping on the floor in an elevator. whatever blah blah weariness. but it affects my schoolwork when i give myself these allowances. i'll never get past if i don't push through it. sometimes i push through it, other times i just want immediate gratification and if listening to music for hrs or watching online tv or writing does that i have the tendency to do it.

it just hurts not to feel as excited abt school as i used to, as everyone here at Columbia (or at least the people in my class, who remind me of myself in high school) seem to be. i hardly ever feel moved to talk in class, excited or enthused about anything. i just go in and watch the clock until i get to leave.

my recipe for getting good grades used to seem so simple: 1) go to class 2) pay attention 3) do the reading/work on time 4)engage/talk when moved in class.
steps 1-4 are the hardest things for me. i feel like i lost some ability and i don't know how it happened and i don't know how to get it back. and it doesn't help that i have research papers to do with no real interests or passions for anything. i can imagine what i'd be interested in but it's never enough concern or intrigue to go the extra mile or take great initiative like i used to. i hate feeling so half-assed abt everything.

4. my heart:: i've been thinking lately about perception. and how i've spent most of my life thinking that i won't be truly happy until i know that i'm  not entirely alone, and that i won't always have to be alone.

let's define "alone"
1. without a partner, sure
2. but it's also about belonging
3. it's also abt feeling like i fit somewhere or with someones, like i can surrender
4. like i can reach out and someone will be there, always

i don't know whether 4 is unrealistic or fair but yeah.

i just know that i have this fear that i'm going to be convinced by life i don't really need anyone but myself. again, this is about perception.
i have great friends that definitely make my life easier. but i'm always worried these will change, bc this is what life does--- distance & change & shit.

but i'm less worried abt the friends than i am abt never feeling like i'm going to find someone who wants the same things that i want. or that i won't find this person until i'm like 40. and 40 is not like, some old spinster depressing age it's just 19 more years away. i don't know if i can handle waiting that long for something to feel right. for someone to feel excited about me, like i'm important and he wants to do something abt it.

guys have a tendency to think i'm just so great and think i'm just always gonna be around. just want to be my "friend." i'm wondering to what extent this is about fear of treating me wrong or losing me blah blah i don't really care. 'cause at a certain point being on a pedastool messes up your circulation/gets tiring. maybe i'm wrong abt this interpretation. i'm just tired.

i could do things better. be better at cutting the bs. nvm. nvm. all of this is getting long.

careless abt my heart & perception. i wonder if it is careless/detrimental to think that i cannot be TRULY happy until i know what it's like not to have to sleep alone, and honestly do hella things alone every day/night. is that a way i bruise myself? by rolling my eyes at strangers who get to be in love, kissing, hugging and holding hands not having to feel alone? maybe. i could choose to see all of this differently. surely i've got plenty of time & things i could be focusing on while not in a relationship but i can't seem to help myself from thinking, "well, i've always had that time." the grass is always greener. it's not that simple. i'm not talking about jealousy or cute lovvie dovvie stuff. i'm talking about growing with and trusting a person deeply with all of yourself. it's a challenge. nothing else really feels like a challenge anymore. i'd take on that challenge. i'm tired of false starts, fear and halfhearted commitment/appreciation/what i've since experienced.

5. my body. i've been particularly horny lately. like "jump someone," horny. and maybe that's careless with my body. maybe that's my right as a woman/human(?) to act on my desires. age old debate. i haven't quite resolved it yet. but i guess it's a lesson in patience/paying attention.

but, anywho. if you've got this far, congratulations and thank you.

i should probably go take a shower & get out of my room.
i have LOADS of work to do today!
yay.

i'm not paying those fines again .

I roll over to 8:30. To 8:45. To 9:29. T0 9:50. I shoot out of bed. Eyes barely open and all. I’m hot. The velor side of the comforter against my body for something like four hours. I shoot up and onto the floor. I pull my tank top down. Yesterday’s bra on the bed post. I strap the back in the front. I twist around. I pull up. I pull up. I put on my jeans. I put on my plaid flannel shirt. I pick up the two books from the window sill. I toy with the idea of running out with a flat afro. I use the skinny end of my rat tail comb and pick my hair out a bit. I’m out in less than a minute. 9:51. The elevator is making “I’m close” sounds so I run. I get to the elevator, on the 16; I make it just as it wants to be on the 14^th, so much so it didn’t even light. It lit with the speed of light than unlit and I didn’t catch the light. 9:52. 9:53? Out and walking. I think about all those people I’ve seen run, this is totally acceptable. I start to run again. I think “Well I don’t even run and I wanted to this year.” I run, in flip flops, until there are more people on the other end of this corner. Many of them don’t know me as the runner. I think one guy maybe saw how I changed states. I decide, “Hey, he saw this thing now.” 9:54. down those Low Library steps. Fast. I’m talking I hardly remember it happening. But I do remember feeling like my calluses were splitting on the balls of my feet. 9:55. 9:55. That walkway just before Butler. 9:55. Tap the black rectangle. 9:55. Two books 9:56. I’m not paying $2 for books I didn’t even finishing reading last night. There’s this one thing I thought at 9:54, I think. At some point, between the steps and the woman that said “Excuse me,” while we were like 2 feet from each other because she underestimated my speed and our ability not to knock into each other, I think “At some point, this has to mean more than I’m not asleep anymore. It has to mean more than I’m just out of my bed.”  So when I walk out of the reserves room, I make it the length of my body and half before I reach out my right hand for the floor.  I sit on the floor, knees at chest level. Me looking up, towards something insignificant. I think, at some point, this has to mean more  than I made it to the Reserves desk, more than I got an early start and I like early starts than “Hey, I should really start running. That would be cool.” It has to mean that I’m going to meet him. Even without brushing my teeth. It has to mean when I’m typing this story he’s not too far away. It has to mean, that I can type “Hello” to him for lack of date with Colgate at 9:51. I miss him. I miss the last time I wrote the man with no face, no skin, no wrapping me around me this morning. I haven’t felt close to him in so long. But I want to. At some point, I want.

tuesday morning.

1. when you like somethingone little shit can seem so big. can set you off onto mini monologues of the most frustrating things.

2. i feel like i'm effin up in school. not actual "F" like grade, like doing absolutely nothing, but I definitely have at least one point in each day where I feel like I'm losing when it comes to some class. mostly bc it's hard to keep up with all of that and the other stuff i'm doing which i keep trying to convince myself isn't really that much but my brain thinks it is so that'll be the judge, not a comparison to what everyone else can do, what i think i should be able to do. oh, the overachiever that just won't die in me.

3. school always has me on edge. my school life always has me on edge. everything surrounding it. and i find myself not wanting to leave my room and have to go into it. and i find myself wondering why i'm in college. i know why, so i can have diff experiences and so when my books are published readers can feel rest assured they're getting work from an ivy league graduate, and shit.

4. but all the other stuff i'm doing seems so much more important to me. classes and evaluations... the ideas are nice and important and all that, but the structure of it all is wearing on me. i'm just tired. i tried to pretend in the beginning i wasn't and that i wouldn't be but i'm tired.

5. maybe i should continue talking to someone about it so that it's not just spinning around in my head with all the other things that aren't being said...

6/yay. but not really. sigh. nothing ever really seems simple. but then again, i guess that's everybody's life.

7. at least black theatre makes me happy. at least my other group is better this year.

8. p.s. i'm quitting my job and looking for another in the coming weeks. ask me where i'm getting money from when i do quit my job. wait for the silence and the shrug. yeah.idk. but i trust it's the right decision for me. i have to be more decisive and active and learn how to just deal with the consequences.

9.  *shakes head*

it's that simple.

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/jillscott/wannabeloved.html

this is my jam! (or one of them... ;])

"And baby when the sun comes up

I’m gonna be holding you

It’s destiny that you’re next to me

I’m in love with you

Oh and baby when I wake up

I’m gonna be there with you

A new day rise

I wanna look in your eyes

when the sun comes up."

So. There is just something about this... I think about it sometimes. Not just the "love is here with a second chance" aspect, though that's a great part of it as well, but having somebody there when the sun comes up. And not just anybody, "destiny." Waking up with someone you're in love with. I guess I imagine it as more than just "waking up" for the day but for so many other things. Waking up to each other, to possibility, to dreams, and endurance, and lasting and waking up everywhere inside. Having someone to wake up to/wake up with, this simultaneous action in love. Heightened, rising with/to the sun. Some of The best mornings for me are when the sun is just hitting so many spots in my room, if not flooding it. (that reminds me of this chapter in The Scarlet Letter called a "Flood of Sunshine. i think i did a project on it. Mad symbolism but that's neither here nor there but yes) And so sometimes, i think I stare at sun rays, stare at what the sun is lighting up in my room and smile. Thank the window, and the shade for its modesty. "When the sun comes up, I'm gonna be holding you." You know, sun is good for you, with its Vitamin D and golden (aura) brown bestowing abilities. And, right now I don't know if I can fully wrap my mind around the idea of having this relationship set in motion of associating the sun and the one you love. I think we do it all the time, even if we've never had it/been in love. We associate "destiny" (read, "the one") with warmth, life, light/rescue from darkness, waking you up, vibrancy, something that will always be there etc etc more.Or maybe, that's just me. Except, I won't go blind staring at "destiny" but there's definitely another risk there. I shall not rant on. A lil John Legend can make my day! "Woooaah yeaeeah"