Tuesday, October 12, 2010

tuesday morning.

1. when you like somethingone little shit can seem so big. can set you off onto mini monologues of the most frustrating things.

2. i feel like i'm effin up in school. not actual "F" like grade, like doing absolutely nothing, but I definitely have at least one point in each day where I feel like I'm losing when it comes to some class. mostly bc it's hard to keep up with all of that and the other stuff i'm doing which i keep trying to convince myself isn't really that much but my brain thinks it is so that'll be the judge, not a comparison to what everyone else can do, what i think i should be able to do. oh, the overachiever that just won't die in me.

3. school always has me on edge. my school life always has me on edge. everything surrounding it. and i find myself not wanting to leave my room and have to go into it. and i find myself wondering why i'm in college. i know why, so i can have diff experiences and so when my books are published readers can feel rest assured they're getting work from an ivy league graduate, and shit.

4. but all the other stuff i'm doing seems so much more important to me. classes and evaluations... the ideas are nice and important and all that, but the structure of it all is wearing on me. i'm just tired. i tried to pretend in the beginning i wasn't and that i wouldn't be but i'm tired.

5. maybe i should continue talking to someone about it so that it's not just spinning around in my head with all the other things that aren't being said...

6/yay. but not really. sigh. nothing ever really seems simple. but then again, i guess that's everybody's life.

7. at least black theatre makes me happy. at least my other group is better this year.

8. p.s. i'm quitting my job and looking for another in the coming weeks. ask me where i'm getting money from when i do quit my job. wait for the silence and the shrug. yeah.idk. but i trust it's the right decision for me. i have to be more decisive and active and learn how to just deal with the consequences.

9.  *shakes head*

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