Saturday, October 8, 2011


i have no idea what he is saying BUT whooo Lawd this is pretty!

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

oddly enough...

i was asked twice this week if i was still blogging. of course my answer was, "No." and true. i hadn't really had an interest in it anymore, but today, i kind of do. i'm thinking it's bc


i don't lie.

but i think i've been telling a kind of lie. lately.
and that's that i'm writing.
which is not really a lie, bc i am journaling and writing down ideas for a story i want to tell but
i feel like it's a lie because it's not as consistent a "writing" as i'd like it to be, or as i believe telling people "i'm writing" connotes.

and at least, when i'm blogging, i'm writing more consistently. so, hello to blogging again.

i thought next time that i would have a theme and a whole new url and vibe and whatnot, but nah. things go better when i just do what comes naturally to me. there is something to be said for innovation, purpose, discipline, creating projects etc. and i'll just have to do all of that but not necessarily create a themed blog. maybe i just like it better when all i'm doing is sharing what's going on right now anyway.

October. this is the first time in my life, since what, i was like 4 that i wasn't in school in October. sexy. i don't feel like i should be in school either. even sexier. now, the task, finding work/supporting myself w/ a job that doesn't bore me/where hopefully i'll learn skills that matter to me. working on it. i've been 75%heartedly looking, i've got to up that to at least 85%.

but i keep myself busy in other ways. lately, volunteering & looking for more volunteering opportunities (arts/writing related). always, reading everything that piques my interest--i'm trying to be more discerning. wandering. it's sort of surprisingly sustaining.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

one of life's greatest challenges...


i'm struggling with it. i'm realizing that i have a problem with creating and maintaining routines/structure for myself. i can blame having a bagillion interests, tasks and choices but really it's a matter of restraint and discipline. i'm determined to get some calluses on my left fingertips gosh darnit!

and i haven't been doing much writing, except maintaining a dream journal :/
and i've been watching entirely too much television. whoo. damn 3 ft wide plasma flast screen. usually, i hardly ever watch television.

also... i feel ambivalent abt blogging... and i kinda wanna get a tumblr but i get the feeling that would lead to a whole bunch of looking at pictures and it would make my attn span even shorter, tolerant only of images and not other people's words.

i've averaging a tolerance of abt 500 words at a time in reading articles and blog posts. let alone finding a new book to read, tho i have easily have a list of abt 30 i want to get from the library.

and i don't know exactly where in the sky i think money or traveling is gonna fall from if i don't start planning. i've got to find a middleground for myself btw the two extremes of so-not-productive and so-productive-i-dont-realize-i'm-being-run-into-the-ground-and-it's-a-bit-unnatural-all-that-i'm-requiring-of-myself. i blame it on school. and ok ok, i'm responsible too.

i'm also wondering when i'll find a balance between writing/art and social justice issues. i feel like i'm constantly double-majoring in the two or not at all bc i feel overwhelmed to the pt of not being very useful ot well-versed in either sphere. so much to know...

i wonder what it would be like to be away in some cabin w/ no tv, just music, a pen and a pad, or a laptop w/ no internet...and copious amts of food of course, and my guitar, and the video/audio for the lessons (and the picks i ordered on eBay that haven't come yet).

hmmm. i'll have to create that for myself.

i'm not ready to embark on finding a job yet. esp the way ppl describe it as becoming a 9-5 job w/in itself. let's start with volunteering somewhere, perhaps?

i just don't want to be a financial drain in my house. there's no real pressure for me to be bringing in the dough anytime soon, but there will be come fall and into next June. i'll give myself to mid-July? the real question is do i find a rinky dink part time job for cash or do i go all out to find something tailored to my interests for the several month haul? which reminds me of something Will Smith said abt how Plan B distracts from Plan A. but finding any job is not my Plan A. it's a means to an end. Plan A is experiencing some things new, and especially leaving the US or at least going to another couple states I haven't been to before. Sigh.


Tuesday, June 14, 2011

my Eat, Pray, Love-ish summer

1. LiveMocha, learn French, maintain and enhance Spanish
2. Consistent Physical Activity: Securing a place to do some yoga (Kundalini, perhaps), bike-riding
3. Guitar Practice (and i bought a violin on a whim/eBay daily deal)
4. WRITING. I'm creating a couple projects for myself in poetry, nonfiction and fiction. Which could be a bit overwhelming but I'll take my time & just try to consistently write everyday. It'll all come together.
5. Reading. This one is a doozy. I have to resist the urge to take the whole Philadelphia Free Library home with me. I have recommendations and things I wrote down that I didn't get a chance to read in college and from random encounters/articles. Gah. One step at a time tho.
6. Oh, and going out every once and a while.
7. Figuring out how to be out of the US by this time next year, if not sooner. 


Sunday, June 12, 2011

note to self.

1. finding songs/even whole albums to listen to while i'm writing or just because they're beautiful/pleasing to my ears counts as being productive. Exhibit A:
2. write.
3. prioritize.
4. continue to dream your dream even if other people are dreaming overwhelmingly small if at all. only pay attention to the dreams of others that inspire me (those that are big, audacious, simple, necessary--- they can be a lot of things, they just can't be "Maybe you can'ts" or have room, time or energy for doubt. The space, time and energy are being fueled into realizing the dream not worries).
5. journal
6. dream journal (sleep stories)
7. stay true.
8. this:
9. learn to distinguish between fear and instinct. it will come.
10. consistency. permission. experience.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Chin Chin

I saw/heard of Chin Chin for the first time last Friday when I went to the The Roots Pre-Picnic concert at the Legendary Dobb's on South Philly. They were tremendous awesome fantastic live. They had such a great energy and sound. Now I don't express enthusiasm easily and I couldn't help but move.

What things are like live

except Friday there was this badass woman bassist. i guess she doesn't always play with them. idk.

In any case, I need to buy, like, all of their albums within the next week. 

Saturday, May 21, 2011

i meant to post this in April.

1. finishing a paper i've been struggling with for two weeks.
2. i realized today that a pair of pants i've had a janky time getting into earlier this semester fit much better ;)
3. finding out the final paper for the class in #2 includes a question about love. yes! (i can totally write/indulge in that.)
4. Stevie Wonder sighting in Amy Ruth's
4a. while having a beautiful belated birthday dinner with close friends!
5. another belated birthday dinner with a great group of different friends last weekend!
6. cupcakes on my birthday!
7. sunshine on Monday
8. found out I'm receiving a King's Crown Leadership Award on Monday
9. will be receiving graduation cords from the Office of Multicultural Affairs
10. extension I REALLY need, granted.
11. residual magic love/delayed to response to awesome exhibitions of sweetness & love
12. Feldenkrais session on a day I was REALLY struggling a couple weeks ago
13. talked to my friend who is studying abroad in DR on facebook chat
14. red, warm hands from clapping for a stranger's friends celebrating her birthday in the library

EPIPHANIES? epiphanies.

i don't get it.

and i'm pretty confused.

it has taken abt two days for me to get into a quasi-argument with my family about my appearance. and i'm trying to look at it objectively.

1. fact: i should take care of my hair. i will do my best to handle that. for me, that means making sure i use a good shampoo and conditioner, keep it moisturized, etc. this is something i look forward to. every once and a while i also twist it, whether dry or first after i wash it. that's cool.

2. i don't have a problem with my afro. in fact, i love it. i think abt altering it, as in it looks cooler when i first get the sides and the back trimmed. i like my little angular look. this is an aesthetic pleasure for me, i like angles on faces. apparently my family does not.

3. if i hear, "you need to dress it up." one more time, i may lose it. and it feels pretty pointless talking to them about it, because they simply do not agree with me.

4. "you don't even wear funky earrings. you don't even wear makeup. you don't even..." "you look lackluster." "you have beautiful hair and a beautiful face but you do nothing to enhance it." "if i looked at you, i would just say she's pretty she has nice hair, but it's just sitting there." "and sometimes you look like a tom boy. you don't even make your outfits appropriate to your hair."

5. sigh. i love my hair, as it is. i love me, as i am. i wear makeup when i want to. i change my hair when i want to. apparently, this will leave me in danger of being unemployed and alone (boyfriendless). sigh. "i'm sorry, but sometimes you have to play the game."

6. i'd honestly rather be alone.

7. seriously.

8. objectively, yes, i am attracted to people whose physical appearance i enjoy. what this looks like can vary.

9. fact: i do realize that some people, boys and girls, put a lot of work into their appearance. their look is "a product" as I've been told. i understand that now. and sometimes i even appreciate the fruits of their efforts, but it bothers me that my family wants me to do the same. i'm not saying there is anything wrong with putting effort into the way you look, i mean hell, i put on a nice outfit every and a while (read: i like my style).

10. i just don't get it. people seem to be tiptoeing around the idea of wanting me to overhaul my look, and i don't see a real justification for it other than being in opposition to what i like. and i have to walk around in this body, so why should i try to please other people?

11. this all came up because i'm actually supposed to be going to dinner with my dad right now, to celebrate my graduation. my sister warned me that my dad is going to bring up my hair, and do it gently, something like, "if i paid for a hair appointment, would you go?"

12. my dad is the one who, upon me returning home for the summer (last year) just having cut off my locks, after unpacking all of my stuff and saying goodbye, told me i "went from A class to C class" by cutting my hair. just what every woman wants to hear from her father when she makes a change she's happy with. actually, i wouldn't know what the desire for your father's approval would look like, i've never had that. he's not really around much for me to seek it. his criticisms of my appearance started first with him telling me that, "ladies always wear earrings" in high school.

13. on the issue of me never getting a job because of my hair, i throw my hands up. really? not any job? not any artsy of nonprofit job will have me? so the issue of hair and career always reminds me that my family has some other idea of what i want to do. or rather, no idea. i'm still figuring it out myself. i just have a problem with a group of people that have been "realistic" and are now, at their core, unhappy telling me what i should do with my life. i walk out of the room because i can't take it seriously. right now, my dream is to be taken as i am, and who I seek to be, not adjust to what is "realistic."

14. on the issue of me not finding a quality man because of my hair. well, damn. if a bit of eyeliner, a red lip or dangling earrings is keeping a man from seeing me as someone worthy of paying attention to then, damn. i just don't know what to do about that. i know that, for the most part, what we first see about people is their physical appearance but i find it extremely hard to believe that my light is that dim. my light shines much too bright. i agree i should smile more. i agree i should strive to live my life in a way that makes it rather easy for me to smile. this is a beauty aesthetic i am willing to conform to. smiling suggests some beauty coming from within, some happiness. make-up & a feminine haircut is not the key to happiness. and neither is a man that wants me to perform in a way that i'm just not interested in performing. period.

15. so, i will learn how to count to ten when my family speaks about this, once and for all. i will make changes that i want to make. i will wear make-up when i feel like it. i will wear funky earrings when i want to, which is actually often.

16. my life is my life. and living in someone else's house impedes that. so the key is to get out. i trust that will happen soon enough. i have to figure out what and how i want so i can set myself up to where i want to be. 

two days after graduating from college and

i feel the need to make a plan. but first, the familiar, warm, freeing, release of a random brainstorm/list/mahjigga

1. i took 22 credits AND was president of an organization AND acted in two productions my senior spring
2. my therapist said i had a crazy idea and she knew it would be hard but that i could do it. she believed in me. a couple people did. she reminded me to acknowledge and sit with my accomplishment.
3. i did once, i cried for like a min out of joy & then started dancing around in my room to oldies. how else do people celebrate??
4. but other than that, i have to learn how to relax.
5. i relaxed a bit at school. i drank the night before i moved out for good, went to an impromptu (read: illegal) party for the senior class, hung out with friends i enjoy.
6. the last day, i woke up in my mostly empty room: only sheets and my suitemate's pillow, a couple posters and a bookbag with a change of clothes for the day, and my laptop and i lounged. then i handled errands. then i made sure we got all of the stuff out of our suite that was extra. got something to eat, watched online television. left, had to stop halfway to the train bc i was carrying entirely too much stuff home (extra books and some household items: dropped some of this off with a friend)
7. caught the bus and i immediately felt like i was going the wrong direction.
8. that night my mom lovingly tried to get me to talk abt what i'm gonna do for the rest of my life, or at least the summer.
9. i woke up the next morning and she asked me, "Why a hightop?" the saga of my family not accepting my hair continues...
10. i long for New York where people enjoy my afro & my other bits of outward presentation. where i feel accepted, and even unremarkable at times, bc everyone is always doing the most. i can be me. i can be the me i've become. my family and Philly is still stuck on high school me. i can't go back to high school.
11. i have to find a new Philly. i've wanted to run out of my house a couple of times btw Thursday night and Friday night.
12. i'm getting out today.
13. when i relax, it looks like lounging and writing and tv. but i can't be in my house too much. so i have to make it look a little different.
14. i also want to make a checklist, so to speak, not so much a plan for the summer.
15. all i know is that i want to experiment for a year. and i don't quite know all everything that's gonna look like, and i'm perfectly fine with that. it's everyone else's anxiety abt that, that if i'm not careful, will drive me nuts!


  • learn how to drive/get my driver's license
  • get my passport
  • see/get involved in theatre in Philly
  • write stories/poems/experiment/skeleton some memoir. trust myself in this process.
  • learn more abt cooking
  • visit a couple different places in the US/or maybe i just mean, allow myself to go to New York when I want and maybe save up for a trip to the West Coast. i don't really know many places i want to be in the US, but when i figure it out, maybe.
  • research where I want to go internationally. 
  • JUST DO. Because the doing will lead me closer to understanding, even if the lesson comes later. Thinking can't get you everything and everywhere.
  • Take a couple more risks than you would've last year. Forgive and/or Celebrate yourself for them as appropriate.
  • Meet new people. 
  • Especially, meet new people doing what I want to do. In the fields I'm called to. 
16. I'm allowed to change, add, subtract, multiply whatever whatever.

Friday, May 6, 2011

I have been obsessed with this video.

Today, I laughed so hard that my back started to hurt. Now, this is ridiculous for a number of reasons. But you know what, i'm not gone front, these lyrics are kinda legit.

Apparently this little boy is on a Christian television show in the 90's. He's performing a song from a Christian band called DC Talk.

It has brought me a lot of joy. And I appreciate this little boy's enthusiasm.


Thursday, April 28, 2011

i didn't want to forget this one.

a friend said something very sweet and inspiring to me today that i'm going to keep in mind and trust.
i was talking about how ppl are getting into relationships left and right and i wonder what it is that i'm doing wrong, if there's something i should be trying, if i somehow need to make myself more something that i'm not already and expressed that this would be unlikely for me to do unless i trusted it would lead to growth (i'm only really interested in changing myself as it pertains to a fostering of growth) and expressed that it makes me feel powerless bc i know to some degree i have to be patient about timing. and he just said,

"there's going to be someone, Jessica, that is going to look at you, trust, just as you are, who is going to say,

Now that's a rather poetic variation on the "you're so awesome someone's gonna love you someday" that i usually hear. And tho I totally respect and believe and appreciate that sentiment, it was nice to get the earlier affirmation just at that time tailored just to what i needed to hear.

i could speak more on some school/life/extracurricular stuff but i'm writing a paper... sigh. and all that's not any new type of stress, it's pretty much the strange struggle it always is, i just have to fight through 2 or 3ish more weeks of it. but i can do it, right?!

mhmm. graduation soon.

p.s. i have a birthday and a particularly happy day post in my drafts waiting to be finished. i want them to be complete and convey all the awesomeness. maybe a treat to myself to finish them after papers? sssuuurreee.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

ugh! beautiful! utterly beautiful!

i'm thinking i might add listening to this song to my morning ritual, for at least a week. that should help me refresh, regroup, get up, start in the morning.

this is a reminder

to myself to post on my happy day from last week. i don't want to forget it happened. list to come!

Sunday, April 17, 2011

scriptures to sustain.

so Tuesday, i was feeling a lil downtrodden. so downtrodden that when i went to the library to get one of the books i needed for a class i've been struggling with and it wasn't there i just decided to sit down in the lobby and look up scriptures at the computer kiosk by the steps. i Googled scriptures & loneliness. here are the highlights:

I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you. John 14:18
1 Peter 5:7 “Casting all your care upon him; for he cares for you.” 

Matthew 28:20
“Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen.” 

Psalm 68:6a 
“God makes a home for the lonely; He leads out the prisoners into prosperity, Only the rebellious dwell in a parched land.” 

Psalm 91:1-2, 14-15 “He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust. Because he loves me, says the LORD, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.” 

2 Corinthians 1:3-4
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” 

Revelation 3:20 “Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.” 

Psalm 28:7
“The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.”

Psalm 147:3 “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” 

Lamentations 3:22 -23 “It is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is Thy faithfulness. ” 

2 Chronicles 16:9a
“For the eyes of the LORD range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him.” 

John 16:33
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” 

Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

oh and the kicker!

"Oh Lord, all my longing
is before you
my sighing
is not hidden from you."
-Psalm 38:9

i held onto them, shared with a couple friends and i've been feeling better and looking back every once and a while. i'm glad. i just have to remember to be faithful, and to engage in faithfulness as a practice, trusting in God, praying, surrendering, seeking God and His Word when I feel heavy and breathless. Quotes do me the best. 

Monday, April 11, 2011

"We take the pressure and we throw it away/Conventionality belongs to yesterday"

"I solve my problems and I see the light
We got a lovin' thing, we gotta feed it right
There ain't no danger we can go too far
We start believing now that we can be what we are"

I never really listened to these words before. They're beautiful!

Monday, March 28, 2011

it's about that time y'all

my 22nd birthday.


my brain is kind of blank. which is not a good look, considering I have a paper I need to write/finish. i finished another one Friday. this one is due Tuesday.

when i once told a friend, this summer, that i feared i was numb, he told me it was more likely i was emotionally constipated. as in, i was probably feeling so much that nothing was coming out.

i think right now i'm mentally constipated. and that's not going to work for me, so [insert metaphor for i need to release some thoughts so i can actually have developed-paper-writing and other thoughts]

i don't know yet what i'm going to do for myself today. i need to do homework. so that.

i'm also thinking my present to myself will be: writing for a couple of hours + taking a walk. where i don't know. but that might help to clear my head as well so it's probably necessary.

i'm grateful for the "happy birthday" texts and facebook posts i've already been getting. que sweet!

i'll try to celebrate my birthday more this weekend. but if i'm not careful this day will come and go like it's any other, and i might regret that later. *shoulder shrug*

so, let's brainstorm some significance of my 22nd birthday. brainfart-a-go

1. 1 year past 21.
2. my last birthday of undergrad
3. dizaammn that's deep.
4. i should review my 19th, 20th, and 21st birthdays and see how they've changed/differed & how i've grown & stuff. & stuff.
5. i want to see my family. i haven't been home since i left after winter break. that's strange for me.
6. graduation is May 18th. i don't know what i'm doing after i graduate. i want to travel. i havent the money or the where and how yet but it's going to happen. i'm okay with not knowing what's coming next. now for dealing with how my family responds to that...
7. i'm also going to go to sleep right now for my birthday.



I'll find some way to make it special. (I just gotta!)

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Sunday, February 27, 2011

i'm adding to my list

that God send me someone that knows how to love me, and shows this through his actions.

A lot of hurt comes from people not even having ill intentions but just not knowing how to love you. It may sound harsh, but sometimes their best is not enough to stop them from causing you pain. Sometimes this problem can be remedied by a conversation, other times by just not wanting from someone who's not meant to give you this thing you're seeking from them, acknowledging that and moving on, forward.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

From the album Healing is Difficult...

a couple of quotes from my blue book, shall we?

disclaimer: i've come across these very randomly. some from and others in many other ways. i may not know the work of all of these people, but when words touch you all that doesn't necessarily matter.

"Whenever you want to achieve something, keep your eyes open, concentrate and make sure you know exactly what it is you want. No one can hit their target with their eyes closed." - Paulo Coelho

"We can never know what to want, because living only one life, we can neither compare it with our previous lives nor perfect it in our lives to come." - Milan Kundera

"Change isn't easy. Changing the way you live means changing what you believe about life. That's hard." - Dean Koontz

"If you're going through Hell, keep going." - Winston Churchill

"When I first met him, I knew in a moment I would have to spend the next few days re-arranging my mind so there'd be room for him to stay." -Brian Andreas, Story People

"It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen. But it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you want." - Anonymous

"No one is ready for a thing until (s)he believes (s)he can acquire it. The state of mind must be one of belief, not mere hope or wish." -Henriette Ann Klausner

"Being an artist means forever healing your own wounds, and at the same time endlessly exposing them."
- Annette Messager

"In the end
these things matter most:
How well did you love?
How fully did you live?
How deeply did you let go?"
-Siddharta Gautama

"Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck." -Dalai Lama

"The only way to get what you really want, is to know what you really want. And the only way to know what you really want, is to know yourself. And the only way to know yourself, is to be yourself. And the only way to be yourself is to listen to your heart." - Mike Dooley

"Don't grieve. Anything you lose comes 'round in another form." -Rumi

"Load the ship and set out. No one knows for certain whether the vessel will sink or reach the harbor. Cautious people say, 'I'll do nothing until I can be sure.' Merchants know better. If you do nothing, you lose. Don't be one of those merchants who won't risk the ocean." -Rumi

"The way to write is to throw your body at the mark when all your arrows are spent." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Be brave. Take risks. Nothing can substitute experience." -Paulo Coelho

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." -C.S. Lewis

"Art and love are the same thing: It's the process of seeing yourself in things that are not you. It's understanding the unreasonable." -Chuck Klosterman

this entire song:

"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning." -Louis L'Amour

"Become a possibilitarian. No matter how dark things seem to be or actually are, raise your sights and see possibilities-- always see them, for they're always there." - Norman Vincent Peale

"Regrets are a waste of time. They're the past crippling you in the present." -Katherine, Under the Tuscan Sun

"I postpone death by living, by suffering, by error, by risking, by giving, by losing." -Anais Nin

"There is no try. There is only do, or do not do." -Yoda

"When there's someone, one someone, who makes your days brighter, makes your joys greater, makes your heart lighter... someone, one someone, you want so to share with, do everything with, go everywhere with... someone, one someone you want to live for... You have something called love." -Kahlil Gibrain

"To love a coward is a great sacrifice. For though you may teach him strength, he may also teach you weakness. And, in this weakness you may be left to wonder if cowards can truly love, when love is to jump off ten stories high, with no cape and no landing. Again, and again, and again... and..." - (I think I forgot to write the name down)

"Hopefully, when you are young you discover something called love, which is really just another word for going home." - Francesca Lia Block

"Wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving." - Khalil Gibrain

"Forgiveness is choosing to love. It is the first skill of self-giving love." -Mohandas K. Gandhi

"Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place." -Zora Neale Hurston

"Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart." -Washington Irving

"Whoso loves, believes the impossible." -Elizabeth Barrett Browning

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." -(most of) Songs of Solomon

"When someone leaves, it's because someone else is about to arrive." -Paulo Coelho

"Never love anybody who treats you like you're ordinary." -Oscar Wilde

"The map is not the territory." -Alfred Korzybski

"...and those who were seen dancing were thought to be crazy by those who could not hear the music."
- Friedrich Nietzche

"Do stuff. Be clenched, curious. Not waiting. For inspiration's shove or society's kiss on your forehead. Pay attention. It's all about paying attention. Attention is vitality. It connects you with others. It makes you eager. Stay eager." -Susan Sontag

"God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind that I will  never die." -Bill Watterson

"If God answers your prayers, He's increasing your faith. If He delays, He is increasing your patience. If He doesn't answer, He has something better for you." -Anonymous

"In True Love, there is no place for pride. I beg you to remember this. You share your happiness and adversity with this person, so you must go to him or her and share the truth about your suffering." -Thich Nhat Hanh

"Pursue some path, however narrow and crooked, in which you can walk with love and reverence." -Henry David Thoreau

"find a person who loves you for exactly who you are. good mood. bad mood. ugly. pretty. handsome. the right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with." - Juno

"The lover is a monotheist who knows that other people worship different gods but cannot himself imagine that there could be other gods." - Theodor Reik

"Let your love be like the misty rains, coming softly, but flooding the river." -Malagsy Proverb

"Fall seven times, stand up eight." - Japanese Proverb

"Do not let a moment go by that doesn't remind you that your heart beats 900 times a day and that there are enough gallons of blood to make you an ocean. Do not settle for letting these waves settle and letting the dust collect in your veins." -Anis Mojgani, "Shake the Dust."

"Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. We love because He first loved us." - 1 John 3:18-19

"My lover is mine, and I am his." -Song of Solomon 2:16

Monday, February 14, 2011


i find i might need to create concrete and shorter writing & other projects for myself. when i get some time i sometimes misuse it and i dont want to lose tracks of things i wanna do. so...

when you have free time, but you don't quite feel like doing intense "homework"

1) freewrite to start my first nonfiction piece for class
2) try that missed connections poetry project you thot up today
3) guitar fiddle-faddling
4) take a walk
5) memoir starts and stops and recording
6) call my sister
7) call my mom
8) call my grandma
9) research travel plans
10) meditate
11) oh, oh, and just sit in God's presence.


Stay Sckrong Jessica

this is a part of my fight to "keep it together,"
it being my sanity and resolve and commitment to love.
it hasn't gone anywhere but sometimes i get tempted to let it fall out of focus.
but i'd like to maintain this balance of "keeping the faith" without "losing my mind" abt not having it currently. and i shall just continue to pray that i learn how to wake up in the morning or go to bed at night w/o feeling like someonething is missing. or rather, just get up anyway. maybe i can make a commitment to roll over in my bed once less time a day. i can do that.
i'm also looking for something to whisper to myself throughout the day or write down over & over on a notebook... it'll come to me. they'll probably be numerous. fun! ;)
believe it or not, i'm a little more chill abt it all. ijustdontwannagetcaughtup&offtrack&downtroddeningiveruppery&complacencycompromise.
i'll find a way to handle the in between time. i trust that.
aannnnyyyyywho. i enjoy/appreciate these :)

1. (he's my...)
11. (real talk. this has worked on me. and i always forget to employ it)
12. (...favorite)

i could pick certain parts of these apart but the overall message of each one is what makes them my favorites.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

17. (one more note before Art Hum)

Jamiroquai cures just about anything. (also, i almost just spelled "cures" with a "q." that's how funky their music is).

i might be losing my mind.

1. i've been sleeping, but i don't know if i'm getting restful sleep. it's always abt 7hrs or so, which is plenty for a college student (avg for most people, right?) but it's still hard to get up in the morning. and i have little satchels underneath my eyes when i look in the mirror while brushing my teeth.

1a. i'm assuming it's about the quality of my sleep. i don't quite know what to do with that.

2. since Friday, and even as we speak I've been "smoking" the stems of lollipops my friend brought me back from DR. it calms me. and there's no nicotine or substance to hinder my health involved. i also like to believe it improves the quality of inhale and exhale in my breaths. (yeah, sure)

2a. i may just have an oral fixation.
2b. that sounds more accurate. bc every once and a while when i bring my first two fingers to my lips to pull the stem away, in my dramatic sway of wrist, i feel skin against skin, and that's been uh... lacking from my activity,,,life.
2c. indeed, i am foolish.
2d. and teetering btw childhood tricks & adult fantasy.
2e. i'll be okay.

3. i'm trying to write more. i need to get some journals i'll feel really comfortable with, instead of old ones just lying around. so much of writing is about which pen? which paper? how?

2f. sometimes the fingers touch my chin too. what callous tenderness.
2g. i'm an ambidextrous smoker.

4. i haven't written a poem in 2011 i don't think... wait, that's a lie. i wrote a "nonsense poem," After Gertrude Stein for a poetry seminar. that doesn't really count to me, or does it? at least it was different subject matter than what i'm usually dealing with. i wrote a nonsense poem abt African Americans with Alzheimers. mmhm.

5. i want a rockin' black leather coat that i'll never take off like this kid i saw in the Activities Board at Columbia Town Hall meeting yesterday. i want to never take it off like him, not his coat. i'd want one with a motorcycle collar, or a bomber/aviator jacket, something intentioned/vocational-esque.

6. you know, it's 9:26am and i have reading to do. i should go do that.

7. you know, it won't be the 8 classes that kill me. it'd be the figuring out how to balance/release myself from the intensity of having to be that focused every once and a while. the intensity of being an efficient student and President of an organization. yeah.what hats. but i enjoy them both, but i need diff types of enjoys.

8. i'd decorate my room more. maybe i'll put it on my list of activities to find another cool something to tack up.

9. i like to think my lollipop stem cigarette is just a more cost efficient version of those electric cigarrettes. i just don't need fake orange lights, smoke and pretense. in fact, i know better what i'm doing. pretending. drag on that.

10. i probably won't ever stop being foolish, huh?

11. fun fact: i drank wine from 7pm-12am Saturday, off & on. wine is cute. it just makes my mouth looser, nothing else really. that's fine. just makes for an interesting "drinking socially."

12. so i fell asleep last night in the fetal position, with my lollipop stem cigarette in my sheets, a baby pencil & mechanical pencil in my underwear drawer, a copy of Jean Toomer's Cane by my pillow and two of my three lamplights on. it was supposed to be a nap. i can't remember when it started.

13. do you ever wonder if someone will love you at your most embarassing awkward offbeat? well, breaking news, i do.
13a. i think i could make it into a Miranda July short story in my current state. i may still be too black for that tho. who knows. that's not really anything to brag abt... or is it? ridiculous/strange enough to be immortalized is pretty good i think.

14. just as i lack a favorite in most things. i don't have a favorite number. but i do have a lot of random thoughts so i don't quite always know where to stop my lips.lists.

15. oh, i was reminded yesterday that it's not my fault i'm not in love. i couldn't really ruin that if i tried, right? esp since i haven't met the person yet. in actual encounter of someone new/destined or some new flash of character/indication from someone i already know. but sometimes i blame myself (without even realizing/engaging with it) for not being in the right place at the right time. as if that's in my control. or isn't this the type of thing philosophers right about?

15a. the golden rule is to focus on yourself. which is to say, what is in your control (as my friend told me yesterday). for, in his words, "Focusing on love is like focusing on stopping global warming. Or world peace." and, i agree.

15b. i went to church this past Sunday and the pastor talked about Meditating on the Word of God and part of that as revisiting familiar scripture and allowing yourself to get something new from it, to not be looking for 800 new revelations as proof of being on the right track. I really hope this doesn't sound blasphemous, but i think i need to meditate on me... but by acting. not by thinking. i think too much already. just move, and allow myself to move in different ways. i'll probably make some mistakes, but that's okay. as long as i'm not thinking myself into oblivion, cause ain't no coming back (whole) from oblivion, y'all.

16. *takes one last, short, sweet drag from the lollipop stem cigarette.* *prepares to do reading for skool*

Monday, January 3, 2011

lessons in 2011: what's bringing me & Archimedes closer

the Eureka! moment

the two major themes in the past week,

1. what is about me
2. what's not about me

              ... and how to proceed accordingly.

1. what is about me: how to find understanding within my feelings & my motivations behind the things, events, people etc that I focus my attention on.

2. what's not about me: dispersing information that could be helpful to others, regardless of potential embarrassment, misunderstanding etc

the importance in this distinction is the outcome, and learning how to be comfortable with it. whereas #1 means i'm responsible for getting through and finding, #2 says stop tripping and do what's necessary. yes, i am being vague... or maybe not at all.

oo oo ooooo
another thing.
+1. i've realized another important distinction for me is the difference between wanting someone and liking someone. they are not the same thing for me.

liking someone usually means liking things about them, and maybe even liking them a lot.
wanting someone means you just gotta have them/ be near them/ get closer even if irrational

i'm simplifying. but yes,

it is dangerous to conflate the two. and there comes a point in feeling where i have to go, "hey, what is this really all about? what do i really want? bc i like string cheese but i don't need it."

is it wrong that i'm likening a person to string cheese? maybe. but it was the quickest thing i had.
and i even just introduced a new word: need.

*lowers glasses to the bridge of nose, looks over the rim, purses lip*

the way i hear people describe being in love, "need" and "want" become the same thing.

i wouldn't know.
i'm finally okay with that. being alone, and viewing myself through the lens of being alone, having "alone" be a major part of my identity is taxing. i want to stop feeling so powerless because of it, because that's all... negative, you know? it's complicated. but i feel like i'm reaching a point where i've achieved patience. i'm content with not sharing my life with someone. yes, i am only 21 but sharing a connection that feels right with someone... i don't want to wait forever for that, but i'm willing to wait :)

tangent. admission. go.

i spent a portion of this year ready to do my version of settling and using a lot of the word "just" and i'm not about "just-ing" anything. i know what i want. sometimes it feels weird standing firm in that whenever everyone else doesn't seem committed to it, but since when has doing what everyone else is doing been an important thing for me? only when i'm worried i'm being too brave or different or i can't think of hearing an experience like mine before. that's not reason enough to stop being principled. what is for me, is for me. and i'm cool with that. in the meantime, i'll be working on focusing through other things that are going well for me and those things that i'd like to achieve.

hard work, constant introspection, thought- & feeling-digging rewarded.

i don't claim to have the answers to the universe, just some things i've been hoping to understand. and,

that makes me a quiet kind of happy :)