Tuesday, November 2, 2010

confessions of my triflin side: an effort at accountability

1. i haven't touched my guitar in weeks.
2. i am so inconsistent. one week i practice for at least 20-30min a day, even if at 2am before going to bed.
2. other weeks, not so much.
3. i want to change this.
4. ... eek. i've never even learned a song.
5. i never quite got past chord progression from Em to C, from C to D for "Stand By Me" when my friend showed me at the beginning of the semester.
6. for all the talk i've done about wanting a guitar and learning how to play, smh. i need to get it together and be dedicated.
7. i ALSO need to structure my time to fit in learning how to play my guitar and writing. and writing needs lots of time cause i'm talking journaling, nonfiction stories, poems, adapting poems to performances, submitting pieces, writing lists of what i really want, planning to travel, stuff man.
8. but yo, i been tellin ppl check me out on the guitar in 2011 and 2011 is coming close.
9. i've always wanted to write songs. i've always wanted to learn how to play an instrument, the guitar, just for me at the least.
10. i get the strong feeling that me finally gettin my guitar and not playing it consistently, is like finding the love of my life and leaving him next to the lamp behind my bed, in front of my window... where i keep my guitar.
11. 'cause you know, practicing what you love is important. being grateful for opportunity is important. so. goals.
12. action steps.
a. i wanna learn how to do a couple dexterity exercises with ease.
b. that first chord progression shown to me i mentioned.
c. practice everyday. i'll give myself one day i'm allowed to forget just for shits and giggles but really i want to practice everyday. so maybe that day won't be for shits and giggles, it'll be for if i have a whole lot to do and picking up my guitar would really really distract me and throw me off focus into oblivion. mmkay ;)
d. i want to be learning how to play songs by winter break. um, like. with more comfort and confidence.
13. you know, i don't really know what realistic goals are for this process, but i will just say, i would like to dedicate time to getting better with you. okay? okay. thank you for being there for me.

i'm completely aware that i'm ridiculous. 

i SO enjoy randomly finding new (to me) artists :)

came up in a Feist mix.

I also like "I'd Rather Dance With You" :)

so, apparently Bjork has access to my diary.

Everything In Its Right Place

i wonder what the relationship between these two is.

Monday, November 1, 2010

revelation, couple years in the making, feeling less hardheaded now

1. i assume and i run.

2. every time.

3. is it possible that i'm right about what i see in you? is it possible i can touch a part of you that hasn't been touched yet? is it possible? does this matter? will it change?

4. oh, to be beautiful and alone. shit fucks with you. excuse my expletives.

5. i'm always wanting someone to reach for me, while not doing much reaching.

6. i wonder how much i've ever wanted, more than wanting to be wanted. that's not quite love.

7. i think that's why i've never quite fallen for anyone, for anything.

8. who's not terrified of giving and wanting everything and being left with nothing? ... i'm thinkin, now that i know that's what i've been doing... i'm not terrified. i'm not scared anymore.

9. or rather, i'm finally ready to be courageous.

10. i've been courageous in other stages. usually, the only time i allow myself to do something (and it almost
always turn out great... either way, i'm believing it's been necessary) is when i don't know what the hell i'm getting myself into. i'm always nervous/anxious before starting things; i've got a million ways it's gonna turn out in my head, and all that ever matters is that thing i can't see. what am i gonna do with what i can't see?

11. i think i'm always being taught that i have everything i need to come back from things.

12. RISK.

13. it'll be okay. it'll be fine. it'll be GREAT.

14. i just don't wanna be frozen. i want to be present. whatever is thrown at me that i couldn't see
that's that. and i will respond accordingly.

15. it's a funny thing, listening to your heart. there's this comfort in acting logically, it's a false sense of security to say "this makes sense." Making sense never saved a life. Has it? Well, that's not what is gonna save my life. What's gonna save my life is something that goes past what i could possibly understand from what i've already learned, what i've been inclined to believe. It's gonna be beyond that. 'cause it should be.

16. i don't trust positive signs. i never really have. i'm learning to see them.

17. i've learned about myself recently, that i need someone that's gonna say "Jessica, no, what I'm asking is that I can do _______ for you. Not this other little thing you think I'm offering. I'm offering you much more. Cut it. Stop expecting so little from me. I'm not what you already know. Let me show you something different. Let me open your eyes. Let me love you. Let me appreciate you. Let me in. Let.Me.LetGo."

18. Now that I'm aware I need that, I can look for the moments where I can let go, where I can let people keep speaking, where I can stop trying to run for cover from boldness or nekkedness. I want to stop trying to run for cover. Stop qualifying experiences. If I'm happy, I'm happy. Or more importantly, if I was happy then, I was happy then. Not, "I was happy then but little did I kno later so and so would happen." And?

19. For all my wanting love, I have to remember... I don't get a cookie for loving someone, and not showing it. What grand thing am I doing having the power to do something brave and not doing it? Would I really lose everything if I sustained glance someone? If I let a couple great smart ass comment moments slip by? If I took off the mask of "You can't touch me?" Because that's probably why people don't try to touch me. Because even when I'm more intimate than I ever go I'm still protecting myself. I'm still letting people know, you can't break me. Truth is, no, I won't be broken ... permanently. More importantly, not everyone is trying to break me. But I always try to prepare myself for if they can, if they will.

20. Sometimes I miss people. Sometimes I want to be around them. Sometimes I don't. But truth is, I've just gotten used to not showing much affection because I grew up afraid of rejection of that affection. Or, I figured, for what? What will you do with my heart? What do you know about treating me right that I don't kno? that others don't kno?

21. I want the answers to those last questions. And those answers come from letting people know they matter to me.

22. The world won't end if I let someone know he or she matters to me.
22a. WITHOUT qualifiers. WITHOUT  covers. WITHOUT logic.

23. The way I take in the world may be different from everyone else. The way I experience emotions may be scary or feel like too much sometimes, but I have to let myself be myself and share myself and maybe someone(s) will share themselves with me, authentically and courageously. It's hypocritical to expect someone to give give and prove and reach out without giving them something to hold onto. Without giving them me to hold onto.

24. I'm gonna try this new thing my mom mentioned to me some years ago: start people's tank on full.
Which is to say, either they'll run it down to empty, stay at full ... wait wait. i'm letting go of this metaphor.
It means, I want to try not making everyone prove to me they're worth my heart. Everyone deserves love. Whether love is me finding some change, a dollar whatever to give to someone that touches me on the street or the subway, or love is asking someone to hang out with me or listening to a problem someone has.

25. I don't think love has to be this big untouchable wait forever for thing. Thinking that way is why it hurts so much when I think about never having been in a relationship for 21 (or maybe I'll count it as like 4 because I wasn't really ready to be in nobody's relationship until like 17 or maybe I haven't been ready until now and that's the point of me being alone.... ) years. I'm talking about different kinds of love here. I got into a big argument abt this 2 years ago actually. They're still two different things.

26. I dream of a love that involves *ahem* closer contact than some of the examples I've given but I agree with the person I was in the argument with then now #touche (haha) about loving where present, taking the edge off of the love that's not yet here. I can live with that.

27. I'm learning how to be present. Less anxious. Less scared. Less guarded. I'm really good at those things. How bout I try something different? How bout I challenge myself? How bout it.

28. Mmmmhmmm.

29. i love my life. i LOVE my life. Though there are times I wonder what it would be like if I could touch whatever everyone else seems to get that I ain't gettin I love MY life. It's mine. and I'm gonna do the best with it I can.

30. That's it.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

this was a great idea.

the feist clip that is.

this jude law one is just a little ridiculous.

and no, i will not be commenting/posting on the video abt the little black girl lovin her hair. i'm too conflicted abt it. 

i will say this tho, how long has Sesame Street been doing the absolute most?