Saturday, March 20, 2010

for my dead friend.

imissyou. and i can't figure out if it's because i really felt something real for you when you were alive, or it's because you're dead... and that's makes everything more important. more urgent. more forcing me to think about it. i didn't love you. definitely was not in love with you. i don't really know what loves means tho. and i'm not the only one of course. especially this non-inlove love that isn't as sexy/attractive to define. the much easier love we settle for "deep affection" for. in this case, i love a good amount of people i gather. i do know tho, that i think about you more than i think about my great grandfather, and even my great grandmother (different reasons for each of them i'm sure) one a scoundrel and the other i just haven't seen since middle school (respectively). there's something to the fact that i "got to know you" when i was becoming an adult. and shared a couple firsts with you. however much further over the normal "been there done that" age for these thangs. you showed me a little tenderness. but you showed some other people more and i wonder if it was my fault still. i chose to forgive you for whatever i was deciding to be angry at a dead guy for, but now i have to get over blaming myself for blocking what could have possibly been something different if i wasn't so good at being guarded it became second, more like first nature. instinctual.

but i also have this problem of blaming things on myself just to make sense. like if i see it coming, or know i did it, it becomes comforting. something i can scold myself for and change later? it's not even quite that with this. you become more important because i'll never be able to cuss you out, swing at you or ask you what the hell? and even on a simpler level, can't travel back and ask you questions i shoved down my throat and into my heart, throbbing, throbbing still each time i find myself wanting to ask you now. i choke on them now. and when i remember you're dead, sometimes i stop breathing.

i saw Shutter Island today. makes me wonder how much is enough to make you delusional? how invested must you be to play out a fantasy where things happen differently? i'm not that invested in you. but, my mind does wander. and we save dead things, we mount them as trophies, and keep them in boxes and and i save you. every once and a while i have this fear that if i start to live as full out as you did, i'll end. like you only get so much life in so many years, right? that's enough. one day i'll be able to stop calling you that. until then, it'll be our little joke, how i can't name you. it's actually not funny at all. i can't name most of you. most of you dead things/moments/grey/pale/wilting(ed)/nothing relationships.but i'll still write to you, you can't hurt me new.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

spring cleaning of the mind.

because this is the most important cleaning for me. even though, sometimes the physical cleaning of my room is related to the clearing of the mind for me BUT, that's neither here nor there in this post. what i came to say is that, well.. i'll start from the beginning. I got home yesterday, and my gramma subscribes to Essence so I highlighted a couple articles, mentally, that I wanted to read and there was this one, "40 Ways to Get A Fresh Start for Spring" that I was particularly interested in. (Though there's also one where Jill Scott speaks on why it hurts for Black women to see Black men with White women that I have to get to but that's for another time) Two related thangs that I just had to put on my to-do list for spring cleaning.

"4. Forgive someone.
15. Relinquish the past: Write a letter to any men who hurt you. Close it with the statement that you forgive them and release the pain. Burn the letter where a fire will not pose a hazard. Welcome new love into your life as you watch the past turn to ash. "

Notice the word forgive appearing in both. I have a problem with this. I think it's like I'm afraid if I forgive people, somehow I'm telling myself and them that the shit I need to forgive them for is A-OK now, and hell naw- it was still wrong. This fear just allows me to hold onto my anger and irrational belief that people, in general, really just don't give a damn about me. And, this is why forgiving is important because it's #1 about LETTING GO. And the LETTING GO is much more important to me than my hybrid pride-anger I get to hold onto. Not unh. No longer interested. 

So I wrote two letters, and I feel better. Well, a third that had nothing to do with forgiving but I'll get to it. I'm also thinking about time, and how it heals, and how it would have been false/insincere for me to have "forgiven" before today. It takes a lot of processing for me. So, thank you Lord for time. However much it hurts, it's temporary. I'm interested in the lasting that comes from learning. 

SO, what I learned about myself today/have been learning is that... I'm actually a lot more afraid of things working out than I am of things not.* For most of my life I have grown eerily and unhealthily comfortable/used to things that don't work out. I know this/hold up this more than anything else and it's because it has this guarded safeness to it. Disappointment, expect it and you don't hurt. WRONG. You get used to the disappointed kind of hurt and only allow that kind because you know how to deal with it. Not unh, no longer interested. I'm much more scared of the hurt that could come from having the real power to hurt someone that can/will give me/has given me what I want. LOGICALLY. But, I gain nothing from continuing to deal with dead ends, sitting in that corner of the dead end, running back and forth between that corner and scenes that look like/are the past in today's clothing. No, thank you.

It will not be the end of the world if I learn how to deal with new hurts. In fact, it will not be the end of the world if I learn how not to be hurt. Who-da thunk it? It's a new and more genuine way of growing for me. I am not going to pretend I'm not scared, but that is what courage is for. And why my blog is now called "dieoldways(a)n(d)wreckage."

*Thank you, you know who, for helping me to figure some of this out.  

Though this is a song I really enjoy, I'm making a mental note that this ain't healthy (and of course, Sade knows this). Unrelated, it can't be said enough... she's 50-what now?  and still looks like this!?! Amazing. 

and i have to say, also, that welcoming "new love" (affection, and their weakened strains i've encountered, whatever) into my life is not just a romantic issue. i have to learn how to do this friend-wise as well, especially when it comes to men. but that's a whole 'nother post as well. 

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

can't get this song out of my head.

i saw Love Me If You Dare Monday, and this song played at the end. I could write/talk about Love Me If You Dare but I'm not ready for that yet. I'm still trying to figure a few things out. However, it was a GREAT movie.

Anywho, I was looking at these lyrics, and when I got to the last lines I found myself exclaiming, "That's a big promise to make!"

"Give your heart and soul to me
and life will always be
la vie en rose."

La vie en rose, I'm taking to mean by literal translation: life in pink, the rosy life etc. Basically life will be good/sweet/rosy. Mmhm. I'll take that. Though, it sounds largely idealistic. I'll take that promise (or mostly the feelings that would lead someone to make that promise).

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

GOOD day.

So I saw Anis Mojgani today, DOPE! And, I got my book signed, HOLLER! AND, when he goes on tour with (probably) Buddy Wakefield and Derrick Brown again I'm gonna be there too! And hopefully leave with a signed copy of one (or more) of Derrick's books signed too :] 'cause I got Buddy last week. Mmhm. Yeah! Oh, go and buy Over the Anvil We Stretch, please!

On another note. I left The Bowery compelled to write a list of things I need to do

(composed on the subway)

(1) Make short & long term goals, finally, for reals this time.
(2). Be more careful with who I give the power to affect my day (thought of after rejecting the stanky face this lady sitting across from me was giving)
(3) Talk to people, like people. Not like they're all the same, but like if they are in front of me & accessible & I'd like to talk to them, I should try.
(4) Think about/learn to heal/deal and acknowledge/ engage with my other struggles/interests (and they'll just have to be surprises, thank you very much)
        a. don't force it
        b. diversify what i have to offer

(5) Stay faithful, but also be proactive about what I do, currently, have control over & want to pursue.
(6) Sing, more often.
(7) perform.breathe.act.breakthemonotony, but also handle what i need to do.
(8) Be better with time. 
(9) Want, seek & do better for myself.
(10) Let go of what I need to let go
       - in however many steps necessary, work on it, everyday.
(11) Acknowledge the good. Be reasonable, but not complacent.
(12) Learn more.
(13) Be honest about what excites me. Don't tell myself I "should" care. What is mine is mine & where not fully there, support. Don't waste.
(14) Get out more/Explore/Experience/Try.
(15) new.

****Be prepared. Get myself prepared for opportunities that are sure to come if I am dedicated.*********

Good start, and I am content with the day :] 
the sun was all out shining and whatnot. and the temperature was reasonable. you better go head day!

oh, and another EWF song i enjoyed yesterday to close out. if you don't move your body, you're frontin'

lil kids make (some of) my day(s)!

saw this randomly on facebook. irrational/free lil childlike giggles and smiles ensue. i'm not ashamed to admit it. this is so sweet. SO CUTE!

and this is what Jason Mraz really said

Monday, March 15, 2010

something to think about.

i wonder if, also, i should stop listening to poems, songs and watching movies and reading books that have anything to do with love, sex and relationships. detox. yes, it would eliminate about 85% of my iTunes library but it would be an interesting experiment.

either way, this poem is utterly beautiful.

a hearty thank you, if you make it through reading all of this. and avoid writing me off as naive and ridiculous.

     I finally figured out some things with my iPod and recovered lost headphones last week, so i returned to work today with my music, triumphant in a way, happy, almost completely. Was groovin’ (return to KC & the Sunshine Band, and era friends) between the stacks of books, while scanning books, opening boxes of books, stacking books, etc And at one point while I was checking books in from customers at the front desk, this song came on. And, of course, like with the other songs I was lip synching because I can’t just burst out into song while working. Crazy thing is, though I’m pretty sure I wasn’t making sounds, when I got to the parts “Write a song of love” I had this feeling I was actually singing; ESPECIALLY, when I got to the word “love.” I had to take my headphones off and check my volume and look around the room. I was convinced that “love” couldn’t just be mouthed, weird.

just beautiful.

 Anyway, what do I know? I’m one of few people (maybe girls especially) that can say they’ve never been in love. And spare me how it’ll come in due time, and everyone has their own journey and whatever else generic, easy and probably true remedies for my aches. It’s fine. I get it. Actually, I don’t but I have no choice but to try and wait. Or, I don’t have to wait? Another weird thing, put myself out there. Contradictory to: stop thinking about it. And, I’m not angry and I appreciate everyone’s advice. The one thing I’ve been thinking about and having trouble with in the past couple of days though is this… something I’ve heard many times from different people in different ways… that you have to uhm, get your heartbroken/get through the building block boys/learn your lessons/be broken/torn in order to appreciate the right person. My thing is now, that considering I haven’t already had much of a conventional story--- is all this necessary for me? Do I have to have this one person to take massive chunks out for me to recover from? Or does it suffice that I’ve had little pieces chipped away at me from different people, knowingly or unknowingly, so many I’m still trying to gather and understand and already trying to heal from? Now, this sounds dramatic. I hate drama. But, it’s my truth. And I’m sure I have it better than many people, but I reject devaluing what is my personal struggle, finally. And, I won’t feel guilty or stupid for trying to figure this out. I won’t inflict that on myself anymore.

But, I am tired. I am tired of being “respected,” and “admired” and most recently and offensively “loved” and not devoted to. Of being such a “great” and “beautiful” person, of hearing these things and finding myself going “so what?” What do we think “great”  and “beautiful” people get? We want them to get what we feel they deserve or what we want to believe that “great,” “beautiful,” “respected,” “admired,” “loved,” etc on and on mean that we will be cherished. If only we can get there! If only I build myself enough someone will care, someone will recognize! My foundation, my foundation, it’s for me but it’s also for the person that’s gonna prove yesterme wrong. And I’m trying to have hope, to have faith. But it’s hard to hear all of these things that I find I have to put into different perceptual sets, need to make new word associations where “respected” “admired” “beautiful” “great” “loved” when spilling from a boy’s mouth means “and her too, her more, but her instead of you or just not you. Not you, not respected and admired you.” I wanna think that it’d be easier if they’d just call me a bitch. If I was someone that they didn’t respect, love, admire blah blah so what? I’d get it. Because these people aren’t  supposed to get anything. It’d make sense. None of this makes sense. 

The real problem is with the conflict between the implications behind/my associations with the words and what they actually mean in practice/in reality. Either way, it hurts.