Wednesday, July 7, 2010

you know what's scary?

sometimes i feel like i'm on the right track. like, i'm sure that listening to myself and trusting the moments of little activity, stillness and maybe even a little confusion, sorting through them and breathing are right for me, for my journey. scary because...what if i really do know what i need? wouldn't that be something. then it's all up to me. i couldn't take advice, and blame someone else for not setting me up for perfect. i'm finally okay with this though. when i think back, in my most vulnerable/depressed/just bad and lost moments i probably stayed there longer because i relied on/overvalued what other people thought or what i thought i should be doing because of who and what i was surrounded by. 

But I know, I know something.

If I don't know nothing else, I know me. And with all the time I spend alone (to my dismay or great delight) I learn and I grow. I may complain about loneliness, but there's value in it. I believe that. And Lawd knows I got a whole lot of that stored up then. Fear for me, is about digging deeper inside and finding what has been there all along, what i had to go through some things to find and even develop or breathe, it's about finding out how much better things coulda been if I had just done that from jumpstreet.

And there you go.
Without time, how would  I have ever gotten that out?
It's hard though, being a writer, to be okay with times when you're (probably meant to) just be journaling/recording you, instead of writing some great story or mindblowing, jawdropping, forever spanning, everything poem.

But then I remember, 
that was never really my original reason for or beginning in writing; it's about me getting out me, all this stuff that can't just sit inside of me anymore. something i'd want to share. something someone else might be feeling. something i might need for later. something needed for now. it's just worth it to record yourself, history, moments, what matters--- however ridiculous it may seem later. knowing yourself, seeking understanding and peace and building foundations for connections with others, or even into deeper parts of yourself, is worth it. 

And honestly...

I know all the doing is coming, soon enough. And I'll have to fight tooth and nail, and FEEL so many things, and go through so much. I think I'll be liking and appreciating it though. and growing. learning more about recovery from and triumph out of the bad, and how to live in the good.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010


i have come to the disturbing realization that 

i'm trippin.

now, i wanted to not feel trapped this summer.. and i don't... really...
but you could say that i'm trapping myself in uncertainty and lottastuffatonceness.

i'll clear up. we all do it. i routinely have 5 or 6 tabs open online. who doesn't? but hey, i also routinely have abt, well now, 11 books out from the library, nowhere close to finishing any of them. i'm genuinely interested in all of them, but i find myself wanting to read them all at once and not knowing how to just stick to one for even an hr. books ranging from the bougie-rife w/ stereotype must read for a Columbia/college student/free spirt/bleh Jack Kerouac's On the Road to The Portable MFA in Creative Writing (and other professional/careers books) and  poetry..

and i write so sparingly.
and i've never really been able to stick to just one medium of journaling. the closest i've come to keeping a consistent record of thought is this blog, and an occasional entry in a microsoft word document. numerous notebooks tho, and i never really use up all the pages. i wanna fix this.
i have to fix this scatterbrain, shotty attention span thing before I get back to school... because it definitely affects my performance. it's a problem when the most reading you can do in one sitting is an article or a couple pages of quotes.

i'm also supposed to be writing this summer. top priority. time to write all kinds of things. and experiment. and plan for the next year and beyond. figure out how to feel less crazy.

i think what i want to do to remedy this, is restrict myself to about 3 or 4 books at time, and only if they are different types of books (i.e. novel+book of poetry+ portable mfa+essays+plays).

also at least for a couple days a week, decide on a time to go to sleep and to wake and regiment some yoga, guitar practice time, writing, reading, chilling/music/randoming. not on some boot camp structure just on learning how to focus on one thing at once again, because right now i can't. and it scares me.

and meditation. meditation has been suggested, shall be taken under consideration, shall be researched and implemented.

at some point i've developed this phobia of giving my full attention to one thing and missing out on a chance to do some other thing, like none of it will ever fit. and i want to face this fear head on, with devotion and commitment, learning from doing and stop this worry of mistakes and being unfulfilled.

and i need some practice in doing what i set out to do. even in the summer.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

been on replay since it popped up on my Pandora yesterday

i don't know how to describe this music really. i just know it makes me relax slash groove a lil lotta bit. it just sounds so good! and it's fun. and then that breath at 2:48. Haha! i'm starting to really like her voice too, and this band in general.