Wednesday, July 7, 2010

you know what's scary?

sometimes i feel like i'm on the right track. like, i'm sure that listening to myself and trusting the moments of little activity, stillness and maybe even a little confusion, sorting through them and breathing are right for me, for my journey. scary because...what if i really do know what i need? wouldn't that be something. then it's all up to me. i couldn't take advice, and blame someone else for not setting me up for perfect. i'm finally okay with this though. when i think back, in my most vulnerable/depressed/just bad and lost moments i probably stayed there longer because i relied on/overvalued what other people thought or what i thought i should be doing because of who and what i was surrounded by. 

But I know, I know something.

If I don't know nothing else, I know me. And with all the time I spend alone (to my dismay or great delight) I learn and I grow. I may complain about loneliness, but there's value in it. I believe that. And Lawd knows I got a whole lot of that stored up then. Fear for me, is about digging deeper inside and finding what has been there all along, what i had to go through some things to find and even develop or breathe, it's about finding out how much better things coulda been if I had just done that from jumpstreet.

And there you go.
Without time, how would  I have ever gotten that out?
It's hard though, being a writer, to be okay with times when you're (probably meant to) just be journaling/recording you, instead of writing some great story or mindblowing, jawdropping, forever spanning, everything poem.

But then I remember, 
that was never really my original reason for or beginning in writing; it's about me getting out me, all this stuff that can't just sit inside of me anymore. something i'd want to share. something someone else might be feeling. something i might need for later. something needed for now. it's just worth it to record yourself, history, moments, what matters--- however ridiculous it may seem later. knowing yourself, seeking understanding and peace and building foundations for connections with others, or even into deeper parts of yourself, is worth it. 

And honestly...

I know all the doing is coming, soon enough. And I'll have to fight tooth and nail, and FEEL so many things, and go through so much. I think I'll be liking and appreciating it though. and growing. learning more about recovery from and triumph out of the bad, and how to live in the good.

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