Thursday, September 16, 2010

all afta the fact

i feel very vulnerable & raw.

i keep doing that embarassment thing i do where i remember something i did and how ridiculous it was/how much i kinda wish i could take it back/done it better and then i close my eyes real tight, exclaim "aaaahhh" while shaking my head like i'm some type of etch-a-sketch and that'll make it all go away.

but it ain't gone go away.
and it shouldn't.

so, i went on an audition yesterday.
in New York City.
for a Writers in Performance Workshop.
i lost myself.
and not
in the good way...

ooh chile.
i wonder when i got so scared to be BIG. like everything shooting out of my fingertips, like speaking and moving with my whole body, how to perform, take it to the next level everything as me.
bc i can act. no one can take that from me. i am talented. but i just get so... regressive sometimes. no, that's unfair. there are many reasons why that audition was just "shake my head like an etch-a-sketchable"

1. i was trying to do too much at once in not enough time for the experience that i have.
a. tryin to memorize a 3min poem the day of an audition
b. still editing the poem the day of the audition.
c. figuring out how to perform this the day of the audition
d. doing all of this in no more than like 4 hrs probably.
2. tho i actually did memorize the work, bc of the subject matter & my level of comfort with performing something that was coming straight from me, my own story that was a LOT.
3. i can act. but that's becoming another person. it took some learning/getting used to/hard work for that. and it's a WHOLE NOTHER BEAST to learn how to perform your own work. i'm much more comfortable with becoming someone else to perform than just telling my story and having to look strangers in the eyes while I do it.
4. I wasn't even prepared mentally when I started it. Like, i was not where I need to be to say what I needed to say. Again, this is something I have to do when I act, or hell even when I sit down to write a paper so I need to learn how to get there before I perform my own work.
5. time. time. time. it takes a substantial amount of time to create a couple minutes worth of beauty and surrender. i was not surrendering and i was not allowing myself to be beautiful. and by beautiful i mean be myself and loving myself enough to let myself go the way i needed to.
6. mindfulness. is so important. how can you perform if you're not all the way there? who are you performing for if you're looking into empty seats or up into the sky? who? not the people watching you. i know that much. i fixed that after i realized i was doing it, but i did it nonetheless.
7. i gotta stop being afraid to be BIG. to be myself. if i can stare into the crowd as a character, as someone else, i can i have to do that as me as well. that's actually more important. what's the point of being half-hearted?
8. to be given a span of time, if even a couple minutes, to a make a moment all your own, to have the attention of everyone in the room (even if it's just 2 ppl at an audition) is an AMAZING thing. a brilliant opportunity to become, to be present, to grow and to feel and i want to remember that. to take advantage of that.
9. i'm so uncomfortable with holding other people's attention, as Jessica. i don't know if it feels selfish somehow, maybe i'm just scared, maybe i still have phantom worries about whether what i have to say really matters. i want to let them go. i want to be all the way here and out of my head. out of the escape. and prepared.
10. i want to be prepared for opportunity. i shall prepare for opportunity by seeking, by taking it to the next level.
11. there's a great giant leap between knowing what you need to do and doing what you need to do.
12. i am ready for the leap.
13. i think i need me some meditation. actually i know i do. i'm not quite sure how that works. hrmmm...  i'm sure it starts with me. and definitely with being kind to myself. and some reading. thich nhat hanh.
14. also, being in school and all that entails and trying to find a way to also be somewhere else, to achieve something else can be really hard. school life takes up SO MUCH HEADSPACE.
15. but that's no excuse. when i wants what i wants i gotta do it all the way.
16. yeah. that.

nope. no. it never gets old.

Monday, September 13, 2010

you already know.

you never kno when it's gonna be forever

or next. or sometime.

1. never kno who you see if you do this thing you were supposed to do a LONG time ago
2. never kno if that will matter
3. i should really be sleep so... my thoughts are all... spacey
4. if you hadn't of done that, your life wouldn't be like this
5. how much does the difference btw the what happened & the what you would've continued if it hadn't
6. too sleepy for specifics
7. so i'll get to the point. i
8. i just
9. i just spend so much
10. most of my life, trying to be
11. at the right place, at the right time
12. but without knowing it
13. without forcing it, but encouraging it
14. by thinking abt the boldest, biggest me i can be
14a. oh yeah, sometimes i know where i need to be & i stay stuck for lack of... well, cause i be trippin
15.  but, one day, it'll all make sense
16. maybe years will make sense
17. and change
18. in the meantime, do the things that stir me, no matter where they lead me
19. the lesson is there, all up in there... hurtin & happyin & angerin & numbin & the breakin' out
20. i'm schleepy.
21. night night.
22. i'm talkin 'bout all the [unh] i love.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

i like dis!

once again, Pandora puttin me down with somethin fly :)

and no, I don't think I'm slick. I feel like I haven't written a blog entry in forever so I shall get to it soon.