all afta the fact

i feel very vulnerable & raw.


i keep doing that embarassment thing i do where i remember something i did and how ridiculous it was/how much i kinda wish i could take it back/done it better and then i close my eyes real tight, exclaim "aaaahhh" while shaking my head like i'm some type of etch-a-sketch and that'll make it all go away.


but it ain't gone go away.
and it shouldn't.


so, i went on an audition yesterday.
in New York City.
for a Writers in Performance Workshop.
i lost myself.
and not
in the good way...


ooh chile.
i wonder when i got so scared to be BIG. like everything shooting out of my fingertips, like speaking and moving with my whole body, how to perform, take it to the next level everything as me.
bc i can act. no one can take that from me. i am talented. but i just get so... regressive sometimes. no, that's unfair. there are many reasons why that audition was just "shake my head like an etch-a-sketchable"


1. i was trying to do too much at once in not enough time for the experience that i have.
a. tryin to memorize a 3min poem the day of an audition
b. still editing the poem the day of the audition.
c. figuring out how to perform this the day of the audition
d. doing all of this in no more than like 4 hrs probably.
2. tho i actually did memorize the work, bc of the subject matter & my level of comfort with performing something that was coming straight from me, my own story that was a LOT.
3. i can act. but that's becoming another person. it took some learning/getting used to/hard work for that. and it's a WHOLE NOTHER BEAST to learn how to perform your own work. i'm much more comfortable with becoming someone else to perform than just telling my story and having to look strangers in the eyes while I do it.
4. I wasn't even prepared mentally when I started it. Like, i was not where I need to be to say what I needed to say. Again, this is something I have to do when I act, or hell even when I sit down to write a paper so I need to learn how to get there before I perform my own work.
5. time. time. time. it takes a substantial amount of time to create a couple minutes worth of beauty and surrender. i was not surrendering and i was not allowing myself to be beautiful. and by beautiful i mean be myself and loving myself enough to let myself go the way i needed to.
6. mindfulness. is so important. how can you perform if you're not all the way there? who are you performing for if you're looking into empty seats or up into the sky? who? not the people watching you. i know that much. i fixed that after i realized i was doing it, but i did it nonetheless.
7. i gotta stop being afraid to be BIG. to be myself. if i can stare into the crowd as a character, as someone else, i can i have to do that as me as well. that's actually more important. what's the point of being half-hearted?
8. to be given a span of time, if even a couple minutes, to a make a moment all your own, to have the attention of everyone in the room (even if it's just 2 ppl at an audition) is an AMAZING thing. a brilliant opportunity to become, to be present, to grow and to feel and i want to remember that. to take advantage of that.
9. i'm so uncomfortable with holding other people's attention, as Jessica. i don't know if it feels selfish somehow, maybe i'm just scared, maybe i still have phantom worries about whether what i have to say really matters. i want to let them go. i want to be all the way here and out of my head. out of the escape. and prepared.
10. i want to be prepared for opportunity. i shall prepare for opportunity by seeking, by taking it to the next level.
11. there's a great giant leap between knowing what you need to do and doing what you need to do.
12. i am ready for the leap.
13. i think i need me some meditation. actually i know i do. i'm not quite sure how that works. hrmmm...  i'm sure it starts with me. and definitely with being kind to myself. and some reading. thich nhat hanh.
14. also, being in school and all that entails and trying to find a way to also be somewhere else, to achieve something else can be really hard. school life takes up SO MUCH HEADSPACE.
15. but that's no excuse. when i wants what i wants i gotta do it all the way.
16. yeah. that.

New York tomorrow.

And I shall be returning with the following things i didn't have before,


1. my guitar
2. a new haircut (and a line I'm growing comfortable with)
3. my (lil) sister? quite possible :)
4. some kitchen supplies 
5. a sense of purpose
6. some more uh grandma's back in the day flyness (reminds me i might need to do a jewelry raid up in heah soon)
7. a couple new pairs of jeans
8. some clothes from a woman that passed on this summer (long story, yes, it's strange)
9. records! and the determination to find a player for them.
10. excitement for the city, for my friends, for a fresh start, for the year, for activity. (however much it may burn an "S" in my chest with strenuous tests of energy & brain power)
11. knowledge of new (to me) music
12. a new pank bookbag :)
13. several new poems on my laptop (in various stages of editing)
14. a new project for myself (on the hush hush)
15. some old school noisemakers & random stuff from the basement/garage i'm bringing to remind me of home/trust to point to some sense of history/closeness within my family.
16. me. yeah. i didn't have me the past couple of years, not all the way. now i'm all... better & stuff ;) no self-actualization, but contentment. i'm content, and that's new. i like it a LOT. 
17. a journal that i consistently wrote in for most of the summer. this is a big deal! my writing is usually pretty scattered, but a concentrated amt of my thinking is in one place, in one book. that's kinda hollerific, i reckon. of course that means the book is full tho so
18. a new book that i will consistently write in for the fall until i finish it & start another :p
19. new hair products. tho i'm still on the lookout for something new to fall in love with that works well with my new hair style. in the meantime i shall remain true to organic root stimulator shampoo & conditioner. & Jamaican Mango & Lime grease... so, wait, what's the hair product i need again? right, stuff for curls. mmhm.
20. the feeling of missing my family. my orange walls. a couple talks. Mt. Airy? 
21. that "grown" feelin'. like i'm in charge & capable. not lost, just on a journey, a path, it might be a lil dark a couple steps ahead of me (dark meaning i can't know what's next) but i know i'll be alright. 
22. a kinder, more rockin' awesome inner monologue. i.e. equipment to be a better friend to myself. and you don't stop, keep keepin' on. 

December 31st, 2009

1.   I’ve set an alarm on my phone for sometime late December 2010, a series of alarms actually. They read as follows:

willbeinlovew/

therightpersonh

ecarriesmyheart

andihis

forsometimenow.

I’m optimistic for once. Shout outs to E.E. Cummings.

2. I can feel already how different 2010 is going to be. 2009 was long. Was transformative, in an obvious way. Accumulation of little differences when presented to the public showed drastic change. For the good. For the bad. The latest was the good. Holler.

3. I like to write to people. I like to write to people and not send it to them. It’s an exercise :] But, I’m currently working on something for someone who will last. Which means I’ll be writing it for a while ‘cause it’ll take a lot of convincing for me to think someone will last.

a. Though I’ve made the mistake of pretending I thought something was worth vulnerability mistakes about that kind of thing before.

4. In time for New Year brand change… what are my vices?

a. People watching.

b. Anonymous readership.

c. Developing crushes and shooting down possibilities, forming character breaks in crush—the last time I met and formed some semblance of a relationship with a crush (though he never knew he was one), he died. That sucks. I don’t wanna meet another one and have him die. Is that my real fear? Idk anymore.

d. Convincing myself that my efforts don’t matter, in most things worth risking my comfort for.

e. Knowing better, and not acting accordingly.

f. I’m tired of this exercise…

5. I better enjoy myself tonight! My pockets are growling, they so hungry and that bus ride here better be worth it.

6. Here’s to me consistently having something to say! [And when I say “here’s” I lift my eyebrow. Would be proper if it was a champagne glass (and champagne) to clank but nah]