Saturday, February 27, 2010

this week,

there have been entirely TOO MANY times that I just wanted to sit down, fall to the floor in an elevator, my room, class, the street, etc and curl up into a ball. entirely too many, for me to still keep telling people "I'm good" when they ask me, "Hey, how are you?" and actually believe it. I think it's that these moments ebb and flow really. I've lost count of the little things that just keep piling up on top of each other, and accumulating and packing like life is trying to build me the abominable snowman of (should be) avoidable stress. Things were easy when I wasn't as present here. I'm still trying to figure out if I prefer this to stillness though. They're almost equally curl-up-in-a-corner inducing. And, it's not even like I can retreat, or like I really should anyway.

i dare you

to sleep on this song and this woman's voice.

I need to do better. I only know this song, "Either or Both," and "Poetry Man" (all great). I just remember I was in the car with my mom in high school, and this song came on the radio and she went on to tell me it was her jam and after hearing it i found it when i got home and had a marathon with it. yeah yeah yeah, other people have sung it but I'm true to Phoebe here. dope!

Thursday, February 25, 2010

"It Never Rains

(in Southern California)" but it sho is snowing in New York City. See now. I was fitna go home this weekend, but it looks like I'm going to have to wait. On a great note, this song is one of the sounds on the 4 or 5 alarms I set for myself to make sure I wake up. Tony!Toni!Tone!

i just randomly thought of this song,

"Renee" by Lost Boyz, and it's wild to me how we sing songs we don't know nothing about when we're young. why was I like ten singing,

"A ghetto love
is the law that we live by
day by day, i wonder why my shortie had to die
i reminisce
about my ghetto princess
give it up for my shortie, shortie?"

i had no business. and also had no real conception of what i was saying or the rest of lyrics, but the beat was hittin' tho. there's so many songs like that. haha.

sometimes i feel like

the oh dee misfit. and it's weird, cause i feel like, i also don't look like someone that would be/feel like it. i actually don't really know what i look like to other people, though i've heard different things. misfits have piercings, and tattoos, and wild haircuts and all this other stereotypical stuff and it's really not that simple. but, that's a whole 'nother conversation. i say this to say that, i can not tell you that i feel like i belong or am completely understood anywhere or by anyone. completely is asking for a lot, ain't it? more so though, it's a matter of belonging. i'm a part of things. i have great friends, a loving (most important part of my) family. but, at the end of the day i don't really fit anywhere. it's not something i obsess over or am tremendously troubled by, but i realize it/am reminded by it every once and a while and it gets me all "clockwise eye roll/survey of the wall and internal shrug." basically, i say "i guess that kinda sucks, oh well." i wonder what it's like to belong. and, i also wonder whether i isolate myself/it's all in my head, but it's really not. i mean, i feel (sometimes really) comfortable in different spaces but it's not the same as belonging, feeling like this is where i'm meant to be and it's like home and i couldn't imagine being without it and all this stuff i'd probably figure out if i didn't need to do my homework/thought about it for a while. i love and feel loved. i respect and appreciate and am respected and appreciated in different spaces but it's still not the same. i hope i'll be able to place/articulate the idea of belonging better soon.

oh, and this misfit thing. i'm cool with being a misfit. i'm just saying, can some of us misfits get together and be misfits together? i feel like i have this one on one with some people, so maybe i keep expecting to feel a part of a group, which i never really have. i think the group thing/belonging problem i want to articulate is when i'm involved in something organized around an idea/principle/interest/activity. i can nod and agree but there's no "ooh i really fit." i'm done. *off to read and write for school*

Tuesday, February 23, 2010


I don’t really have the time to be concerned with whether someone will see how special I am, or get it. Or try to really get to know me. This may be/sound reactionary and selfish because I have to be the person I want for myself but what I’m really trying to say is that I’m tired of being worried about whether I’m being “too much” of myself around people. And it's not really something I worry about often, just those times when I have to stop and say to myself, "was that too real? too honest? too buck naked of a statement/behavior?" and then consult others. but you know, i try to surround myself with people that are working for the same kind of expression of their own truth and being authentic/real/[insert whatever other adjectives come with being yourself], so i wonder if that's what leads them to say "no, you're good." but i don't know. it's a lot of things. i'm tired of 

1. having to wonder if i told too much of the truth. if someone will really appreciate that i even told it. vulnerability is a trip. 
2. being told that i don't smile enough. maybe, it's true. maybe, i'm scaring people off or sending the wrong message with my "take it or leave it" face. but you know what? it hasn't steered me too wrong yet. my circle is full of people that got past that and to me. it's actually really not that serious, cause almost instantly in conversation it changes.
3. but also, the smiling thing. like, i know that i'm alive and i'm SO grateful for that, for each day. but if i went around smiling all the time, it would not be true to me. now, i smile and actually pretty often. but there's always a reason. if i smile it's because i remembered or heard a song/lyrics read/saw something beautiful. b/c i see children (doing their cute lil things, numerous and i can't pinpoint one now haha), something good happens, a friend shows me that they thought of me, idk. i'm not gonna force it, but it happens is the gist. i laugh. i smile. and a lot of the time people don't see it but i'm content with the sentiment happening as it does. i'm not wearing a mask for anyone, and i do try to fix the mean mug sometimes when i realize i'm doing it for no particular reason, kind of unconsciously walking down the street and such. 

that's all for now. 

Monday, February 22, 2010

trippy but

/and I'm feeling it. Lykke Li, "I'm Good I'm Gone" Everybody is enjoying themselves. And this 60/70s camera/film style look, the colors and the outfits all coming together: dope. At first i was just rockin to the music/sound of it all, but the lyrics... worth a look.


"Working in the corner
Peeking over shoulders
Waiting for my time to come


I'm working a sweat, but it's all good
I'm breaking my back but it's all good
'Cause i know i'll get it back
Yeah, i know your hands will clap
And I'm working,
Yeah, i'm working
To make butter for my piece of bun

And if you say I'm not OK
with miles to go
If you say there ain't no way that i could know
If you say i aim too high from down below
Well, say it now 'cause when i'm gone
You'll be callin' but i won't be at the phone..."

because this is where it all started again

and by "it" i mean my experience with Digable Planets. This video re-introduced me to them. Pretty sure, I was a youngin' when they were their most popular. A couple years ago I found this random old VHS in my living room and I saw this video. Had the song stuck in my head for a good while and then further investigated Digable Planets. It's not just all about "Rebirth of Slick" now. And, it's not really just all about this one song either. I say all this to say, they're oh dee fly.

and i just really like the phrase "nickel bag of funk"  for some reason.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

I've been listening to The Sea all day

and I'm going to see
Corinne Bailey Rae
in concert in May.
(wrote a little poem there, did you peep it?)

random list on The Sea.

1. "I long for you like the love-sick moon/pulls the tide."
2. "I don't want ambiguous."
3. the onliest time I have ever enjoyed a Jimi Hendrix cover is the performance of "Little Wing" on this cd. And, I'm not saying I've heard a bagillion covers I'm just saying that when other artists (ahem, John Mayer have tried, i.e. "Bold As Love" on Continuum I said a hearty "No, thank you" and unclicked that box from iTunes but I digress) have tried it was so-so.
4. I'm glad she's back. And I've decided that if I ever spoke to her I'd simply say "Thank you, for the music, your performance and your voice." That's it. (Still not sure what I'd say to Prince. How have I not mentioned him earlier?!!?!!?!!)
5. "It's hard to believe this time, my heart is an open door."
6.  "I'd do it all again." (the song, and even just that sentence)
7. "someone to love is bigger than your pride"
8. Songs that have been on replay the most: "Feels Like the First Time," "The Blackest Lily," and "Closer." But if what I play just in my head counts too, "I'd Do It All Again."
9. I've played the entire album only 8 times so far since I bought it either earlier this week or late last week.
10. "Many words that have been spoken/ cut me out like Paper Dolls/made me into something different"
11. "Diving for Hearts"
12. "Color my heart/Color my heart/Make it restart/Make it restart"

I'm really kinda :( cause my iPod is broken and I can't carry this (or anything else) with me. I'm working on it.