Thursday, February 25, 2010

sometimes i feel like

the oh dee misfit. and it's weird, cause i feel like, i also don't look like someone that would be/feel like it. i actually don't really know what i look like to other people, though i've heard different things. misfits have piercings, and tattoos, and wild haircuts and all this other stereotypical stuff and it's really not that simple. but, that's a whole 'nother conversation. i say this to say that, i can not tell you that i feel like i belong or am completely understood anywhere or by anyone. completely is asking for a lot, ain't it? more so though, it's a matter of belonging. i'm a part of things. i have great friends, a loving (most important part of my) family. but, at the end of the day i don't really fit anywhere. it's not something i obsess over or am tremendously troubled by, but i realize it/am reminded by it every once and a while and it gets me all "clockwise eye roll/survey of the wall and internal shrug." basically, i say "i guess that kinda sucks, oh well." i wonder what it's like to belong. and, i also wonder whether i isolate myself/it's all in my head, but it's really not. i mean, i feel (sometimes really) comfortable in different spaces but it's not the same as belonging, feeling like this is where i'm meant to be and it's like home and i couldn't imagine being without it and all this stuff i'd probably figure out if i didn't need to do my homework/thought about it for a while. i love and feel loved. i respect and appreciate and am respected and appreciated in different spaces but it's still not the same. i hope i'll be able to place/articulate the idea of belonging better soon.

oh, and this misfit thing. i'm cool with being a misfit. i'm just saying, can some of us misfits get together and be misfits together? i feel like i have this one on one with some people, so maybe i keep expecting to feel a part of a group, which i never really have. i think the group thing/belonging problem i want to articulate is when i'm involved in something organized around an idea/principle/interest/activity. i can nod and agree but there's no "ooh i really fit." i'm done. *off to read and write for school*

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