Tuesday, February 8, 2011

17. (one more note before Art Hum)

Jamiroquai cures just about anything. (also, i almost just spelled "cures" with a "q." that's how funky their music is).

i might be losing my mind.

1. i've been sleeping, but i don't know if i'm getting restful sleep. it's always abt 7hrs or so, which is plenty for a college student (avg for most people, right?) but it's still hard to get up in the morning. and i have little satchels underneath my eyes when i look in the mirror while brushing my teeth.

1a. i'm assuming it's about the quality of my sleep. i don't quite know what to do with that.

2. since Friday, and even as we speak I've been "smoking" the stems of lollipops my friend brought me back from DR. it calms me. and there's no nicotine or substance to hinder my health involved. i also like to believe it improves the quality of inhale and exhale in my breaths. (yeah, sure)

2a. i may just have an oral fixation.
2b. that sounds more accurate. bc every once and a while when i bring my first two fingers to my lips to pull the stem away, in my dramatic sway of wrist, i feel skin against skin, and that's been uh... lacking from my activity,,,life.
2c. indeed, i am foolish.
2d. and teetering btw childhood tricks & adult fantasy.
2e. i'll be okay.

3. i'm trying to write more. i need to get some journals i'll feel really comfortable with, instead of old ones just lying around. so much of writing is about which pen? which paper? how?

2f. sometimes the fingers touch my chin too. what callous tenderness.
2g. i'm an ambidextrous smoker.

4. i haven't written a poem in 2011 i don't think... wait, that's a lie. i wrote a "nonsense poem," After Gertrude Stein for a poetry seminar. that doesn't really count to me, or does it? at least it was different subject matter than what i'm usually dealing with. i wrote a nonsense poem abt African Americans with Alzheimers. mmhm.

5. i want a rockin' black leather coat that i'll never take off like this kid i saw in the Activities Board at Columbia Town Hall meeting yesterday. i want to never take it off like him, not his coat. i'd want one with a motorcycle collar, or a bomber/aviator jacket, something intentioned/vocational-esque.

6. you know, it's 9:26am and i have reading to do. i should go do that.

7. you know, it won't be the 8 classes that kill me. it'd be the figuring out how to balance/release myself from the intensity of having to be that focused every once and a while. the intensity of being an efficient student and President of an organization. yeah.what hats. but i enjoy them both, but i need diff types of enjoys.

8. i'd decorate my room more. maybe i'll put it on my list of activities to find another cool something to tack up.

9. i like to think my lollipop stem cigarette is just a more cost efficient version of those electric cigarrettes. i just don't need fake orange lights, smoke and pretense. in fact, i know better what i'm doing. pretending. drag on that.

10. i probably won't ever stop being foolish, huh?

11. fun fact: i drank wine from 7pm-12am Saturday, off & on. wine is cute. it just makes my mouth looser, nothing else really. that's fine. just makes for an interesting "drinking socially."

12. so i fell asleep last night in the fetal position, with my lollipop stem cigarette in my sheets, a baby pencil & mechanical pencil in my underwear drawer, a copy of Jean Toomer's Cane by my pillow and two of my three lamplights on. it was supposed to be a nap. i can't remember when it started.

13. do you ever wonder if someone will love you at your most embarassing awkward offbeat? well, breaking news, i do.
13a. i think i could make it into a Miranda July short story in my current state. i may still be too black for that tho. who knows. that's not really anything to brag abt... or is it? ridiculous/strange enough to be immortalized is pretty good i think.

14. just as i lack a favorite in most things. i don't have a favorite number. but i do have a lot of random thoughts so i don't quite always know where to stop my lips.lists.

15. oh, i was reminded yesterday that it's not my fault i'm not in love. i couldn't really ruin that if i tried, right? esp since i haven't met the person yet. in actual encounter of someone new/destined or some new flash of character/indication from someone i already know. but sometimes i blame myself (without even realizing/engaging with it) for not being in the right place at the right time. as if that's in my control. or isn't this the type of thing philosophers right about?

15a. the golden rule is to focus on yourself. which is to say, what is in your control (as my friend told me yesterday). for, in his words, "Focusing on love is like focusing on stopping global warming. Or world peace." and, i agree.

15b. i went to church this past Sunday and the pastor talked about Meditating on the Word of God and part of that as revisiting familiar scripture and allowing yourself to get something new from it, to not be looking for 800 new revelations as proof of being on the right track. I really hope this doesn't sound blasphemous, but i think i need to meditate on me... but by acting. not by thinking. i think too much already. just move, and allow myself to move in different ways. i'll probably make some mistakes, but that's okay. as long as i'm not thinking myself into oblivion, cause ain't no coming back (whole) from oblivion, y'all.

16. *takes one last, short, sweet drag from the lollipop stem cigarette.* *prepares to do reading for skool*