i don't get it.

and i'm pretty confused.

it has taken abt two days for me to get into a quasi-argument with my family about my appearance. and i'm trying to look at it objectively.

1. fact: i should take care of my hair. i will do my best to handle that. for me, that means making sure i use a good shampoo and conditioner, keep it moisturized, etc. this is something i look forward to. every once and a while i also twist it, whether dry or first after i wash it. that's cool.

2. i don't have a problem with my afro. in fact, i love it. i think abt altering it, as in it looks cooler when i first get the sides and the back trimmed. i like my little angular look. this is an aesthetic pleasure for me, i like angles on faces. apparently my family does not.

3. if i hear, "you need to dress it up." one more time, i may lose it. and it feels pretty pointless talking to them about it, because they simply do not agree with me.

4. "you don't even wear funky earrings. you don't even wear makeup. you don't even..." "you look lackluster." "you have beautiful hair and a beautiful face but you do nothing to enhance it." "if i looked at you, i would just say she's pretty she has nice hair, but it's just sitting there." "and sometimes you look like a tom boy. you don't even make your outfits appropriate to your hair."

5. sigh. i love my hair, as it is. i love me, as i am. i wear makeup when i want to. i change my hair when i want to. apparently, this will leave me in danger of being unemployed and alone (boyfriendless). sigh. "i'm sorry, but sometimes you have to play the game."

6. i'd honestly rather be alone.

7. seriously.

8. objectively, yes, i am attracted to people whose physical appearance i enjoy. what this looks like can vary.

9. fact: i do realize that some people, boys and girls, put a lot of work into their appearance. their look is "a product" as I've been told. i understand that now. and sometimes i even appreciate the fruits of their efforts, but it bothers me that my family wants me to do the same. i'm not saying there is anything wrong with putting effort into the way you look, i mean hell, i put on a nice outfit every and a while (read: i like my style).

10. i just don't get it. people seem to be tiptoeing around the idea of wanting me to overhaul my look, and i don't see a real justification for it other than being in opposition to what i like. and i have to walk around in this body, so why should i try to please other people?

11. this all came up because i'm actually supposed to be going to dinner with my dad right now, to celebrate my graduation. my sister warned me that my dad is going to bring up my hair, and do it gently, something like, "if i paid for a hair appointment, would you go?"

12. my dad is the one who, upon me returning home for the summer (last year) just having cut off my locks, after unpacking all of my stuff and saying goodbye, told me i "went from A class to C class" by cutting my hair. just what every woman wants to hear from her father when she makes a change she's happy with. actually, i wouldn't know what the desire for your father's approval would look like, i've never had that. he's not really around much for me to seek it. his criticisms of my appearance started first with him telling me that, "ladies always wear earrings" in high school.

13. on the issue of me never getting a job because of my hair, i throw my hands up. really? not any job? not any artsy of nonprofit job will have me? so the issue of hair and career always reminds me that my family has some other idea of what i want to do. or rather, no idea. i'm still figuring it out myself. i just have a problem with a group of people that have been "realistic" and are now, at their core, unhappy telling me what i should do with my life. i walk out of the room because i can't take it seriously. right now, my dream is to be taken as i am, and who I seek to be, not adjust to what is "realistic."

14. on the issue of me not finding a quality man because of my hair. well, damn. if a bit of eyeliner, a red lip or dangling earrings is keeping a man from seeing me as someone worthy of paying attention to then, damn. i just don't know what to do about that. i know that, for the most part, what we first see about people is their physical appearance but i find it extremely hard to believe that my light is that dim. my light shines much too bright. i agree i should smile more. i agree i should strive to live my life in a way that makes it rather easy for me to smile. this is a beauty aesthetic i am willing to conform to. smiling suggests some beauty coming from within, some happiness. make-up & a feminine haircut is not the key to happiness. and neither is a man that wants me to perform in a way that i'm just not interested in performing. period.

15. so, i will learn how to count to ten when my family speaks about this, once and for all. i will make changes that i want to make. i will wear make-up when i feel like it. i will wear funky earrings when i want to, which is actually often.

16. my life is my life. and living in someone else's house impedes that. so the key is to get out. i trust that will happen soon enough. i have to figure out what and how i want so i can set myself up to where i want to be. 

two days after graduating from college and

i feel the need to make a plan. but first, the familiar, warm, freeing, release of a random brainstorm/list/mahjigga

1. i took 22 credits AND was president of an organization AND acted in two productions my senior spring
2. my therapist said i had a crazy idea and she knew it would be hard but that i could do it. she believed in me. a couple people did. she reminded me to acknowledge and sit with my accomplishment.
3. i did once, i cried for like a min out of joy & then started dancing around in my room to oldies. how else do people celebrate??
4. but other than that, i have to learn how to relax.
5. i relaxed a bit at school. i drank the night before i moved out for good, went to an impromptu (read: illegal) party for the senior class, hung out with friends i enjoy.
6. the last day, i woke up in my mostly empty room: only sheets and my suitemate's pillow, a couple posters and a bookbag with a change of clothes for the day, and my laptop and i lounged. then i handled errands. then i made sure we got all of the stuff out of our suite that was extra. got something to eat, watched online television. left, had to stop halfway to the train bc i was carrying entirely too much stuff home (extra books and some household items: dropped some of this off with a friend)
7. caught the bus and i immediately felt like i was going the wrong direction.
8. that night my mom lovingly tried to get me to talk abt what i'm gonna do for the rest of my life, or at least the summer.
9. i woke up the next morning and she asked me, "Why a hightop?" the saga of my family not accepting my hair continues...
10. i long for New York where people enjoy my afro & my other bits of outward presentation. where i feel accepted, and even unremarkable at times, bc everyone is always doing the most. i can be me. i can be the me i've become. my family and Philly is still stuck on high school me. i can't go back to high school.
11. i have to find a new Philly. i've wanted to run out of my house a couple of times btw Thursday night and Friday night.
12. i'm getting out today.
13. when i relax, it looks like lounging and writing and tv. but i can't be in my house too much. so i have to make it look a little different.
14. i also want to make a checklist, so to speak, not so much a plan for the summer.
15. all i know is that i want to experiment for a year. and i don't quite know all everything that's gonna look like, and i'm perfectly fine with that. it's everyone else's anxiety abt that, that if i'm not careful, will drive me nuts!

CHECKLIST for the SUMMER

• learn how to drive/get my driver's license
• get my passport
• see/get involved in theatre in Philly
• write stories/poems/experiment/skeleton some memoir. trust myself in this process.
• learn more abt cooking
• visit a couple different places in the US/or maybe i just mean, allow myself to go to New York when I want and maybe save up for a trip to the West Coast. i don't really know many places i want to be in the US, but when i figure it out, maybe.
• research where I want to go internationally. 
• JUST DO. Because the doing will lead me closer to understanding, even if the lesson comes later. Thinking can't get you everything and everywhere.
• Take a couple more risks than you would've last year. Forgive and/or Celebrate yourself for them as appropriate.
• Meet new people. 
• Especially, meet new people doing what I want to do. In the fields I'm called to. 
• READ. READ. READ.  

16. I'm allowed to change, add, subtract, multiply whatever whatever.

this is a reminder

to myself to post on my happy day from last week. i don't want to forget it happened. list to come!

it's about that time y'all

my 22nd birthday.

woo.

my brain is kind of blank. which is not a good look, considering I have a paper I need to write/finish. i finished another one Friday. this one is due Tuesday.

when i once told a friend, this summer, that i feared i was numb, he told me it was more likely i was emotionally constipated. as in, i was probably feeling so much that nothing was coming out.

i think right now i'm mentally constipated. and that's not going to work for me, so [insert metaphor for i need to release some thoughts so i can actually have developed-paper-writing and other thoughts]

i don't know yet what i'm going to do for myself today. i need to do homework. so that.

i'm also thinking my present to myself will be: writing for a couple of hours + taking a walk. where i don't know. but that might help to clear my head as well so it's probably necessary.

i'm grateful for the "happy birthday" texts and facebook posts i've already been getting. que sweet!

i'll try to celebrate my birthday more this weekend. but if i'm not careful this day will come and go like it's any other, and i might regret that later. *shoulder shrug*

so, let's brainstorm some significance of my 22nd birthday. brainfart-a-go

1. 1 year past 21.
2. my last birthday of undergrad
3. dizaammn that's deep.
4. i should review my 19th, 20th, and 21st birthdays and see how they've changed/differed & how i've grown & stuff. & stuff.
5. i want to see my family. i haven't been home since i left after winter break. that's strange for me.
6. graduation is May 18th. i don't know what i'm doing after i graduate. i want to travel. i havent the money or the where and how yet but it's going to happen. i'm okay with not knowing what's coming next. now for dealing with how my family responds to that...
7. i'm also going to go to sleep right now for my birthday.

annnnyyyyywho!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

I'll find some way to make it special. (I just gotta!)

also.

i find i might need to create concrete and shorter writing & other projects for myself. when i get some time i sometimes misuse it and i dont want to lose tracks of things i wanna do. so...

when you have free time, but you don't quite feel like doing intense "homework"

1) freewrite to start my first nonfiction piece for class
2) try that missed connections poetry project you thot up today
3) guitar fiddle-faddling
4) take a walk
5) memoir starts and stops and recording
6) call my sister
7) call my mom
8) call my grandma
9) research travel plans
10) meditate
11) oh, oh, and just sit in God's presence.

night.

i might be losing my mind.

1. i've been sleeping, but i don't know if i'm getting restful sleep. it's always abt 7hrs or so, which is plenty for a college student (avg for most people, right?) but it's still hard to get up in the morning. and i have little satchels underneath my eyes when i look in the mirror while brushing my teeth.

1a. i'm assuming it's about the quality of my sleep. i don't quite know what to do with that.

2. since Friday, and even as we speak I've been "smoking" the stems of lollipops my friend brought me back from DR. it calms me. and there's no nicotine or substance to hinder my health involved. i also like to believe it improves the quality of inhale and exhale in my breaths. (yeah, sure)

2a. i may just have an oral fixation.
2b. that sounds more accurate. bc every once and a while when i bring my first two fingers to my lips to pull the stem away, in my dramatic sway of wrist, i feel skin against skin, and that's been uh... lacking from my activity,,,life.
2c. indeed, i am foolish.
2d. and teetering btw childhood tricks & adult fantasy.
2e. i'll be okay.

3. i'm trying to write more. i need to get some journals i'll feel really comfortable with, instead of old ones just lying around. so much of writing is about which pen? which paper? how?

2f. sometimes the fingers touch my chin too. what callous tenderness.
2g. i'm an ambidextrous smoker.

4. i haven't written a poem in 2011 i don't think... wait, that's a lie. i wrote a "nonsense poem," After Gertrude Stein for a poetry seminar. that doesn't really count to me, or does it? at least it was different subject matter than what i'm usually dealing with. i wrote a nonsense poem abt African Americans with Alzheimers. mmhm.

5. i want a rockin' black leather coat that i'll never take off like this kid i saw in the Activities Board at Columbia Town Hall meeting yesterday. i want to never take it off like him, not his coat. i'd want one with a motorcycle collar, or a bomber/aviator jacket, something intentioned/vocational-esque.

6. you know, it's 9:26am and i have reading to do. i should go do that.

7. you know, it won't be the 8 classes that kill me. it'd be the figuring out how to balance/release myself from the intensity of having to be that focused every once and a while. the intensity of being an efficient student and President of an organization. yeah.what hats. but i enjoy them both, but i need diff types of enjoys.

8. i'd decorate my room more. maybe i'll put it on my list of activities to find another cool something to tack up.

9. i like to think my lollipop stem cigarette is just a more cost efficient version of those electric cigarrettes. i just don't need fake orange lights, smoke and pretense. in fact, i know better what i'm doing. pretending. drag on that.

10. i probably won't ever stop being foolish, huh?

11. fun fact: i drank wine from 7pm-12am Saturday, off & on. wine is cute. it just makes my mouth looser, nothing else really. that's fine. just makes for an interesting "drinking socially."

12. so i fell asleep last night in the fetal position, with my lollipop stem cigarette in my sheets, a baby pencil & mechanical pencil in my underwear drawer, a copy of Jean Toomer's Cane by my pillow and two of my three lamplights on. it was supposed to be a nap. i can't remember when it started.

13. do you ever wonder if someone will love you at your most embarassing awkward offbeat? well, breaking news, i do.
13a. i think i could make it into a Miranda July short story in my current state. i may still be too black for that tho. who knows. that's not really anything to brag abt... or is it? ridiculous/strange enough to be immortalized is pretty good i think.

14. just as i lack a favorite in most things. i don't have a favorite number. but i do have a lot of random thoughts so i don't quite always know where to stop my lips.lists.

15. oh, i was reminded yesterday that it's not my fault i'm not in love. i couldn't really ruin that if i tried, right? esp since i haven't met the person yet. in actual encounter of someone new/destined or some new flash of character/indication from someone i already know. but sometimes i blame myself (without even realizing/engaging with it) for not being in the right place at the right time. as if that's in my control. or isn't this the type of thing philosophers right about?

15a. the golden rule is to focus on yourself. which is to say, what is in your control (as my friend told me yesterday). for, in his words, "Focusing on love is like focusing on stopping global warming. Or world peace." and, i agree.

15b. i went to church this past Sunday and the pastor talked about Meditating on the Word of God and part of that as revisiting familiar scripture and allowing yourself to get something new from it, to not be looking for 800 new revelations as proof of being on the right track. I really hope this doesn't sound blasphemous, but i think i need to meditate on me... but by acting. not by thinking. i think too much already. just move, and allow myself to move in different ways. i'll probably make some mistakes, but that's okay. as long as i'm not thinking myself into oblivion, cause ain't no coming back (whole) from oblivion, y'all.

16. *takes one last, short, sweet drag from the lollipop stem cigarette.* *prepares to do reading for skool*

lessons in 2011: what's bringing me & Archimedes closer

the Eureka! moment

the two major themes in the past week,

1. what is about me
2. what's not about me


              ... and how to proceed accordingly.

1. what is about me: how to find understanding within my feelings & my motivations behind the things, events, people etc that I focus my attention on.

2. what's not about me: dispersing information that could be helpful to others, regardless of potential embarrassment, misunderstanding etc

the importance in this distinction is the outcome, and learning how to be comfortable with it. whereas #1 means i'm responsible for getting through and finding, #2 says stop tripping and do what's necessary. yes, i am being vague... or maybe not at all.

oo oo ooooo
another thing.
+1. i've realized another important distinction for me is the difference between wanting someone and liking someone. they are not the same thing for me.

liking someone usually means liking things about them, and maybe even liking them a lot.
wanting someone means you just gotta have them/ be near them/ get closer even if irrational

i'm simplifying. but yes,

it is dangerous to conflate the two. and there comes a point in feeling where i have to go, "hey, what is this really all about? what do i really want? bc i like string cheese but i don't need it."

is it wrong that i'm likening a person to string cheese? maybe. but it was the quickest thing i had.
and i even just introduced a new word: need.

*lowers glasses to the bridge of nose, looks over the rim, purses lip*

the way i hear people describe being in love, "need" and "want" become the same thing.

i wouldn't know.
i'm finally okay with that. being alone, and viewing myself through the lens of being alone, having "alone" be a major part of my identity is taxing. i want to stop feeling so powerless because of it, because that's all... negative, you know? it's complicated. but i feel like i'm reaching a point where i've achieved patience. i'm content with not sharing my life with someone. yes, i am only 21 but sharing a connection that feels right with someone... i don't want to wait forever for that, but i'm willing to wait :)

tangent. admission. go.

i spent a portion of this year ready to do my version of settling and using a lot of the word "just" and i'm not about "just-ing" anything. i know what i want. sometimes it feels weird standing firm in that whenever everyone else doesn't seem committed to it, but since when has doing what everyone else is doing been an important thing for me? only when i'm worried i'm being too brave or different or i can't think of hearing an experience like mine before. that's not reason enough to stop being principled. what is for me, is for me. and i'm cool with that. in the meantime, i'll be working on focusing through other things that are going well for me and those things that i'd like to achieve.

hard work, constant introspection, thought- & feeling-digging rewarded.

i don't claim to have the answers to the universe, just some things i've been hoping to understand. and,

that makes me a quiet kind of happy :)

random list, 'bout time.

1. I haven't written in my journal in a long time. I don't know where to start.
2. But I also know the answer to the question implicit in that statement is: somewhere, anywhere, write.
2a. and so I shall, soon.
2b. maybe tonight.
2c. my papers mandate it. my head can't be too full of stuff while writing these things.
3. I should probably eat a snack. I only at once today and that was a bacon cheeseburger deluxe at a diner on the east side, at like 3pm. no bueno. I gotta stop doing stuff like that.
4. i'm taking a break from this list to clip my fingernails. just figured you should know.
5. listening to Musiq Soulchild as I write this. Aijuswanaseing. I remember listening to Musiq while doing puzzles in the summer. yes, I like to do puzzles. people are puzzles. as corny as it sounds. i associate the two a little bit.
6. I need to hurry up and write this paper because my tummy is starting to hurt from the not eating since 3pm, that and my head is starting the feel compacted, like it's pushing in on itself. maybe I'll buy some Doritos and drink some tea.
7. Ihaveanorange.
8. and now I'm listening to India. Arie.
9. I know when I actually start writing in my journal, I'll be writing for at least an hour. Saturday will be that day. Once this paper is done.
10. I probably should have peeled the orange before clipping my nails. haha. But I'll make it.
11. forgetting the list is up here, hours and ichiban Ramen visit from Suitey & two friends later, back to my paper.
12. sooo distracted, bc i'm sooo tired but I don't know what would happen if i took a nap right now so :/
13. stuff.
this will get done. i'm unplugging my ethernet cord.

papers.

paper # 1 (due tonight). i'm currently writing a paper about a poet with a crush on a musician. oh, the irony. i'm enjoying it/gonna enjoy it all day as long as i operate in the space of how funny/interesting it is/the potential for introspection but also a privileged view into the psyche of a fellow feeling-a-lot person.

paper #2 (it's complicated, final draft 12/20). uuurrrgghh. this one. *le sigh* hopefully i'll get to write about creative writing here too and place it in a context and write 15 pages? before Monday...

paper #3 (due next Thursday 12/16) must meet with professor Monday. must outline the hell out of what i want to talk about and focus my thesis as much as possible before Monday. must do paper like it's due Tuesday until bed, then act like it's due Wednesday fa real fa real cause it's due noon Thursday and I don't wanna rush. I want an A. hey, it's possible. I'm writing about James Baldwin!

paper #4 (due 12/21, in Spanish) i'm just going to finish this class the best i can. i don't usually make so many mistakes in language classes/it's more logistical than anything else... i won't be actively learning Spanish again probably until I just go to a Spanish speaking country, i'm tired of taking classes in Spanish, which is to say it's hard enough thinking in English at Columbia, which is to say I feel perpetually inadequate, which is to say i'm trippin, which is to say, "Get it done."

all in all, my fate of writing 40 pages (minimum) in final papers before the end of the semester is not too terrible. with the right attitude i might just maybe perhaps enjoy it!

p.s.

i realized that i'm a little extreme at times, in talks today.

i have to stop doing this thing where i pick one identity and decide that's all i've got, and all of my worth is there...
like it's the only thing i'm good at...
well, i think it happens subconsciously.

i was a student (high school), a student, a student, a student, learner, knowledge seeker, student, student, student
everything else second. many other things made me then
even more things make me now
but... since i've been in college, tho, duh, i'm still a student, i don't feel like it's *my* thing anymore. don't really make me special. regardless of whether it sounds corny or not, or even the fact that i just realized it
i wanna be special.

writing makes me feel special. i LOVE writing. i mean, i love learning but i LOVE writing.

so, since college, when i needed to feel powerful again, when i needed to fight for something to hold onto, something to be (because *student* is taken by all the other damn Columbia kids that are now more enthusiastic than me) i said writer, writer writer writer, how do i become a writer, oh, well i'm already a writer, what do writers do? oh, i'm not really like that and that's cool but nonetheless writer writer writer writer

writer

guess who needs to stop limiting her notions of herself

this girl.

but, the first step is acknowledging that you have a problem. i intend to fix mine now that i know i'm being unfair to myself. i feel positive about that. good to have sounding boards, and good to have friends and good to have support and good to have positive, reaffirming reality checks

p.s. 

did i tell you

that i realized this weekend

that i'm a loving person?

when did that happen?

haha.

'cause it's not just me noticing it

it's like playing out in my actions & stuff, and people notice it

i've even been told                                                                                           i love hard... 

haha.

yeah, but that's nice. and it's true. 

and i'm starting to realize just how many things i do out of love,

things that come automatically,

that just seem right

i always do best when i follow my instincts and don't question/obsess over thangs 

whether it's loving people, what i do/organizations, what i'm learning, music, places, people, etc

hrrmmm... lately, remembering me. how do i love me hard?

by doing all that i can for my present and ESP during finals, future self. 

whether that's school work, addressing misconceptions/perceptions, reconciling & reviewing the past, acknowledging and changing damaging behaviors or ways of thinking, smiling, pushing through, writing, listing, friend time, crying, stuff.

it's all good. 

Two things

1. i'm hard-headed.
2. Jeff Buckley is the man.

from Sketches for My Drunken Sweetheart

had this on repeat during Thanksgiving break.


okay. three things.
3. i know what i need to be doing, and i keep putting it off for the things that i want immediately that just aren't happening right now. and instead of focusing on what's in my control to make happen, i've been focusing on what makes me feel powerless, and being comfortable with powerlessness because it removes accountability to a certain degree. if i have no control, i can't make any moves. when i focus on what's not in my control, it seems like there's nothing for me to be doing.

ah!

but when i focus on what's in my control, i'm starting to realize, i am busy for a lifetime. and i like that. there are things i want to do, and i have to stop allowing myself to be distracted by forced perceptions or old comforts that just aren't that comforting anymore.

okay so, four things.

4. whenever shit that makes me uncomfortable happens, i legit feel like falling off the face of the earth & making myself unreachable to the world. but then i remember all the people who make me happy :) and i am happy to know ... and gosh darnit! are happy to know me and (maybe sometime it takes time but) then i cut it out. and cutting it out is key!

dang nabbit. five.

5. okay so. i often feel like the undercurrent to a lot of my realizations are about love. begin sidenote: i love that James Baldwin expressly states that his work is about love. end sidenote. but yeah. so this semester i've been learning/getting better at the whole "not focusing on love" thang. i know me saying this makes it sound not true. haha. but for reasons i don't really know, i'm more comfortable with being alone. it doesn't mean i don't want love, or even to go out on dates or whatever, but it does mean i'm not trippin or feelin as alone as usual. and i'm actually starting to catch the bad habits i have when lonely. they're wack. which includes but is not limited to: seeing something that's not there. most deadly.

but yeah man, i'ma be alright.

and i don't know what the real thing feels like because i haven't encountered it. and sometimes that hurts bc i want it so bad so i wanna feel closer to it and make things around me it, or even make myself feel guilty for somehow missing it in the past when really... it just hasn't been my time yet. the best i can do tho, is learn my lessons and keep it moving. NOT pretend i was never hurt, or never felt anything or that i wish i had never met so and so, so and so's a butthole (even if he is... haha, but he couldn't be all asshole bc i would've never bothered in the 1st place) etcetera etcetera you get my drift.

last two things.

6. i've realized this semester, that maybe the reason i feel sluggish & tired & drab is bc i'm literally sitting in the dark. like sometimes, i just use the light coming in from the window & never turn on my room light. duh. yeah silly, you're not letting all the light in/on/around you foolio. psshh. i'm gonna work on that.

7. i think i forgot. oh. i wanna be more present. i keep forgetting to be that bc it sounds all fancy & it's easier when i'm alone, but i want to do it. like, i want to be present in my interactions with others, bc it's all ... crucial & stuff. i'm not gonna always get things right, but i'll learn & get better. also, i need to start counting to ten & check my perceptions when ppl disappoint me.

and i'm gonna read & write more. so yeah.

so, today

i found a mole on my shoulder i don't remember ever seeing before. i'm sure it was always there, it's that inset in the skin beauty mark kind. i just never look at my shoulder closely i guess, it kinda hurts the eyes. but either way, it's on my left shoulder, pretty.

i've been wondering lately about my sense of awareness. bc i keep doing little things that make me wonder whether they're a symbol or sign of something. to be specific

i keep knocking into things and hurting my body by accident like,

routinely: hitting my hip on the edges of desks, walking into my doorknob, my hand knocking into things, papercut

...and while moving a table from room to room, getting my left hand caught in between a table that was behind me and the table i was carrying

i don't kno. i can't remember all of the instances but suffice it to say i'm not particularly clumsy so all of this is a little weird for me, like it's a sign i'm being careless with my body and that as a symbol for something bigger. i wonder.

i guess... what could i be being careless abt...?

1. my future: lately, i've had this nebulous idea of graduating and leaving the country but i have yet to start making real plans abt this. it's probably bc i can hardly handle the present (and how the past is factoring into my present) let alone figure out what to do with something as big as that. i'm sure i have plenty of options. there just never seems to be enough hours in a day. maybe i should start drinking coffee, 5 hr energy or something.

2. nutrition? i had Chipotle Saturday & Sunday, and i'm contemplating having it again today. this is not a normal occurrence but it's a weird thing this week. i just decided i'm not gonna do it today. but yeah, nutrition. i'm not particularly unhealthy, i put something green on my plate. but the past couple days i think i've been considering eating as a means of happiness. i'm too self-aware to really make this a practice. i'm hyper aware of addictions so that's not a real worry. practically, i'm more interested in figuring out how i can eat for energy or "brain food" because i'm SO tired ALL of the time. tired of school, tired of a lot of things mentally, physically and emotionally. that's a lot of tired and it wears on me.

3. schoolwork: being depressed. i built up this habit of allowing myself to do whatever it takes to feel less like hot funky doo doo. or even stale musty doo doo. to not cry. to not end up balling up in a corner and crying uncontrollably. or dropping on the floor in an elevator. whatever blah blah weariness. but it affects my schoolwork when i give myself these allowances. i'll never get past if i don't push through it. sometimes i push through it, other times i just want immediate gratification and if listening to music for hrs or watching online tv or writing does that i have the tendency to do it.

it just hurts not to feel as excited abt school as i used to, as everyone here at Columbia (or at least the people in my class, who remind me of myself in high school) seem to be. i hardly ever feel moved to talk in class, excited or enthused about anything. i just go in and watch the clock until i get to leave.

my recipe for getting good grades used to seem so simple: 1) go to class 2) pay attention 3) do the reading/work on time 4)engage/talk when moved in class.
steps 1-4 are the hardest things for me. i feel like i lost some ability and i don't know how it happened and i don't know how to get it back. and it doesn't help that i have research papers to do with no real interests or passions for anything. i can imagine what i'd be interested in but it's never enough concern or intrigue to go the extra mile or take great initiative like i used to. i hate feeling so half-assed abt everything.

4. my heart:: i've been thinking lately about perception. and how i've spent most of my life thinking that i won't be truly happy until i know that i'm  not entirely alone, and that i won't always have to be alone.

let's define "alone"
1. without a partner, sure
2. but it's also about belonging
3. it's also abt feeling like i fit somewhere or with someones, like i can surrender
4. like i can reach out and someone will be there, always

i don't know whether 4 is unrealistic or fair but yeah.

i just know that i have this fear that i'm going to be convinced by life i don't really need anyone but myself. again, this is about perception.
i have great friends that definitely make my life easier. but i'm always worried these will change, bc this is what life does--- distance & change & shit.

but i'm less worried abt the friends than i am abt never feeling like i'm going to find someone who wants the same things that i want. or that i won't find this person until i'm like 40. and 40 is not like, some old spinster depressing age it's just 19 more years away. i don't know if i can handle waiting that long for something to feel right. for someone to feel excited about me, like i'm important and he wants to do something abt it.

guys have a tendency to think i'm just so great and think i'm just always gonna be around. just want to be my "friend." i'm wondering to what extent this is about fear of treating me wrong or losing me blah blah i don't really care. 'cause at a certain point being on a pedastool messes up your circulation/gets tiring. maybe i'm wrong abt this interpretation. i'm just tired.

i could do things better. be better at cutting the bs. nvm. nvm. all of this is getting long.

careless abt my heart & perception. i wonder if it is careless/detrimental to think that i cannot be TRULY happy until i know what it's like not to have to sleep alone, and honestly do hella things alone every day/night. is that a way i bruise myself? by rolling my eyes at strangers who get to be in love, kissing, hugging and holding hands not having to feel alone? maybe. i could choose to see all of this differently. surely i've got plenty of time & things i could be focusing on while not in a relationship but i can't seem to help myself from thinking, "well, i've always had that time." the grass is always greener. it's not that simple. i'm not talking about jealousy or cute lovvie dovvie stuff. i'm talking about growing with and trusting a person deeply with all of yourself. it's a challenge. nothing else really feels like a challenge anymore. i'd take on that challenge. i'm tired of false starts, fear and halfhearted commitment/appreciation/what i've since experienced.

5. my body. i've been particularly horny lately. like "jump someone," horny. and maybe that's careless with my body. maybe that's my right as a woman/human(?) to act on my desires. age old debate. i haven't quite resolved it yet. but i guess it's a lesson in patience/paying attention.

but, anywho. if you've got this far, congratulations and thank you.

i should probably go take a shower & get out of my room.
i have LOADS of work to do today!
yay.

another one of these Saturday nights.

1. i'm tired of crying.
2. i'm tired of the things that make me cry.
3. but at least when i let myself feel i learn something.
4. what i've learned tonight, is that my heart has been broken a lot.
5. a LOT.
6. and i ignore it, because it seems like there's no other way to get through life. who has time to be heartbroken?
7. i was going to list off all the other things i have to deal with to illustrate how much i don't have time to be heartbroken but then i backspaced bc it's not important.
8. well, it is important. all of it is important. that's the point. being heartbroken is also important. there are cracks in my walls. and my shit is gonna come crumbling down if i don't pay attention and break it down brick by brick, piece by piece.
9. my heart has been broken a lot. i imagine heartbreak looks different for different people. but i know mine, what it takes to break my heart... it's been broken a lot. by boys, by friends, by family, by ppl still in my life.
10. problem is, i usually remedy this with distance. i don't know if distance is the answer. i don't know the answer. but i imagine the first step is recognizing that i feel pain and it doesn't have to look like everyone else's to be real.
11. i won't be able to love the way i want to love until i get through this.
12. i had planned to be in the library tonight, working on a paper draft i have due Monday morning. i still don't know what i'm gonna write about besides Black women & the arts. sound real specific don't it?
13. anywho, i'm spent. and CLEARLY, that's not happening tonight.
14. i imagine sleep is an option... i'd like to just go to sleep. but i'm pretty sure what i'm supposed to do with this moment is write. so i'll write.
15. so i don't forget.
16. also, decide on what i'm going to focus on and not look back. goodnight.

revelation, couple years in the making, feeling less hardheaded now

1. i assume and i run.

2. every time.

3. is it possible that i'm right about what i see in you? is it possible i can touch a part of you that hasn't been touched yet? is it possible? does this matter? will it change?

4. oh, to be beautiful and alone. shit fucks with you. excuse my expletives.

5. i'm always wanting someone to reach for me, while not doing much reaching.

6. i wonder how much i've ever wanted, more than wanting to be wanted. that's not quite love.

7. i think that's why i've never quite fallen for anyone, for anything.

8. who's not terrified of giving and wanting everything and being left with nothing? ... i'm thinkin, now that i know that's what i've been doing... i'm not terrified. i'm not scared anymore.

9. or rather, i'm finally ready to be courageous.

10. i've been courageous in other stages. usually, the only time i allow myself to do something (and it almost
always turn out great... either way, i'm believing it's been necessary) is when i don't know what the hell i'm getting myself into. i'm always nervous/anxious before starting things; i've got a million ways it's gonna turn out in my head, and all that ever matters is that thing i can't see. what am i gonna do with what i can't see?

11. i think i'm always being taught that i have everything i need to come back from things.

12. RISK.

13. it'll be okay. it'll be fine. it'll be GREAT.

14. i just don't wanna be frozen. i want to be present. whatever is thrown at me that i couldn't see
that's that. and i will respond accordingly.

15. it's a funny thing, listening to your heart. there's this comfort in acting logically, it's a false sense of security to say "this makes sense." Making sense never saved a life. Has it? Well, that's not what is gonna save my life. What's gonna save my life is something that goes past what i could possibly understand from what i've already learned, what i've been inclined to believe. It's gonna be beyond that. 'cause it should be.

16. i don't trust positive signs. i never really have. i'm learning to see them.

17. i've learned about myself recently, that i need someone that's gonna say "Jessica, no, what I'm asking is that I can do _______ for you. Not this other little thing you think I'm offering. I'm offering you much more. Cut it. Stop expecting so little from me. I'm not what you already know. Let me show you something different. Let me open your eyes. Let me love you. Let me appreciate you. Let me in. Let.Me.LetGo."

18. Now that I'm aware I need that, I can look for the moments where I can let go, where I can let people keep speaking, where I can stop trying to run for cover from boldness or nekkedness. I want to stop trying to run for cover. Stop qualifying experiences. If I'm happy, I'm happy. Or more importantly, if I was happy then, I was happy then. Not, "I was happy then but little did I kno later so and so would happen." And?

19. For all my wanting love, I have to remember... I don't get a cookie for loving someone, and not showing it. What grand thing am I doing having the power to do something brave and not doing it? Would I really lose everything if I sustained glance someone? If I let a couple great smart ass comment moments slip by? If I took off the mask of "You can't touch me?" Because that's probably why people don't try to touch me. Because even when I'm more intimate than I ever go I'm still protecting myself. I'm still letting people know, you can't break me. Truth is, no, I won't be broken ... permanently. More importantly, not everyone is trying to break me. But I always try to prepare myself for if they can, if they will.

20. Sometimes I miss people. Sometimes I want to be around them. Sometimes I don't. But truth is, I've just gotten used to not showing much affection because I grew up afraid of rejection of that affection. Or, I figured, for what? What will you do with my heart? What do you know about treating me right that I don't kno? that others don't kno?

21. I want the answers to those last questions. And those answers come from letting people know they matter to me.

22. The world won't end if I let someone know he or she matters to me.
22a. WITHOUT qualifiers. WITHOUT  covers. WITHOUT logic.

23. The way I take in the world may be different from everyone else. The way I experience emotions may be scary or feel like too much sometimes, but I have to let myself be myself and share myself and maybe someone(s) will share themselves with me, authentically and courageously. It's hypocritical to expect someone to give give and prove and reach out without giving them something to hold onto. Without giving them me to hold onto.

24. I'm gonna try this new thing my mom mentioned to me some years ago: start people's tank on full.
Which is to say, either they'll run it down to empty, stay at full ... wait wait. i'm letting go of this metaphor.
It means, I want to try not making everyone prove to me they're worth my heart. Everyone deserves love. Whether love is me finding some change, a dollar whatever to give to someone that touches me on the street or the subway, or love is asking someone to hang out with me or listening to a problem someone has.

25. I don't think love has to be this big untouchable wait forever for thing. Thinking that way is why it hurts so much when I think about never having been in a relationship for 21 (or maybe I'll count it as like 4 because I wasn't really ready to be in nobody's relationship until like 17 or maybe I haven't been ready until now and that's the point of me being alone.... ) years. I'm talking about different kinds of love here. I got into a big argument abt this 2 years ago actually. They're still two different things.

26. I dream of a love that involves *ahem* closer contact than some of the examples I've given but I agree with the person I was in the argument with then now #touche (haha) about loving where present, taking the edge off of the love that's not yet here. I can live with that.

27. I'm learning how to be present. Less anxious. Less scared. Less guarded. I'm really good at those things. How bout I try something different? How bout I challenge myself? How bout it.

28. Mmmmhmmm.

29. i love my life. i LOVE my life. Though there are times I wonder what it would be like if I could touch whatever everyone else seems to get that I ain't gettin I love MY life. It's mine. and I'm gonna do the best with it I can.

30. That's it.

i had these thoughts today (wee hours to mid afternoon)

1.  when i'm out of school, i'm gonna read LOTS of books. take that! Rat Race. ... not that i'll be in the Rat Race, really...

2. what if i'm not meant to be with just one person? what if i'm just meant to give where i'm meant to give and be given to by who i'm given to? what would that be like? Open my eyes. Sacred comes where sacred comes. How sacred comes is how sacred comes. I'll learn. I just have to get in it.

3. but WHY is she wilin' tho!?! mad real. *while reading Ellen Kennedy's "Shit Poem" *

fin.

so i can remember what worked last time

so! i am writing a paper due at midnight. it is a 7-8 pg paper. i have been trying to work on it for days. i wasn't productive until i started writing it today about 7:15ish. WILDLY, this is working for me. It ain't nothin but the Lord. but there are a couple other circumstances i wanna record maybe for next time i'm in a rut while i'm feeling pretty functional and hella happy to be so :)

1. Fela Kuti Pandora station, where I find the songs I'm always like "Hol' up, what is this?!" is always Fela and not the related people. I can't wait until I get some time to really sit down and study this music, or at least, rather, the lyrics.

2. I done wrote me all kinds of motivational, positive, "Jessica, cut the shit! (fear and doubt and what-ifs)!" notes. And they workin, y'all.

3. Sometimes it really just takes a couple days for something to look different to you and for you to hear it and it click somewhere else for you to REALLY listen and hear. This is why I need to work on papers/readings days in advance. It wasn't until I read these three poems I'm writing about out loud again to myself with a clear mind and calm 'tude that I heard something I believed was happening in them.

4. So stop pressuring me! Gosh darnit!

5. Also, I have to relearn to trust my own process in getting work done. Whether I dare to believe it or not, I know what I'm doing and I always have. I just have to do it, even when it don't make a lick of sense to me or anyone else, when it seems like it would be SO much better for me to do it the way errbody else do it.

6. I had a doo doo crap day and was NOT looking forward to tonight and the midterm I have to do after I finish this paper, but at least I've stopped toying with the idea I may not be capable of completing these assignments to the best of my ability. That's just a matter of throwing EVERYTHING I GOT at these questions, concerns, arguments etc and completing what I can and turning things in on time.

7. Certain things in my day were good. Like an extension on turning in all the response papers not yet turned in for a seminar I missed the last two weeks in a row before today. Smh. haha. Oh, my life! But I'm gonna do my best to catch up here. And to create the least stress environment for myself this semester.

Oh yes!

8. I'm  not gone pretend I know a whole lot, because I've really just started listening to this music but I shall say that I'm excited :) and... proud to be black! :] (I'm aware that there can be all types of arguments about blackness, African-ness and African-American-ness, but I don't care to go into all that right now)

quick update.

1. it may be triflin, but after this one party i went to last Saturday, i've been doing "the Dougie" to almost every song i hear. it's actually ridiculous.
2. had a scary moment earlier this week, tears and mean to myself. a little frustration going to the wrong meeting spot for class yesterday, laid on the steps for a while in exasperation. very dramatic, very writable and hilarious. haha.
3. i need to listen to myself. i will listen to myself.
4. i'm learning how to break up work bit by bit and just to do whatever i can when i can. (it helps that one of my homework assignment is to read Richard Yates by Tao Lin, who is disturbing & ridiculous)
5. some professors actually care about you as a student, as a person. cool. i'm banking on this when i have to explain what's been wrong with me and my performance lately. i'm on the road to being better tho.
6. a mantra suggested to me by a close friend, "Just graduate."

he ain't neva lied. won't never will!

7. i told myself, since i'm typing this before i leave the library at this wild (but i've actually been productive up until now) hour while listening to Summer Romance (Anti-Gravity Love Song) by Incubus bc I ain't listened to Incubus in a while and bc it would keep me from rambling and not getting to bed.

so... i'm off to log off and walk to my room, and go to bed! yes! yes yes yes.

tuesday morning.

1. when you like somethingone little shit can seem so big. can set you off onto mini monologues of the most frustrating things.

2. i feel like i'm effin up in school. not actual "F" like grade, like doing absolutely nothing, but I definitely have at least one point in each day where I feel like I'm losing when it comes to some class. mostly bc it's hard to keep up with all of that and the other stuff i'm doing which i keep trying to convince myself isn't really that much but my brain thinks it is so that'll be the judge, not a comparison to what everyone else can do, what i think i should be able to do. oh, the overachiever that just won't die in me.

3. school always has me on edge. my school life always has me on edge. everything surrounding it. and i find myself not wanting to leave my room and have to go into it. and i find myself wondering why i'm in college. i know why, so i can have diff experiences and so when my books are published readers can feel rest assured they're getting work from an ivy league graduate, and shit.

4. but all the other stuff i'm doing seems so much more important to me. classes and evaluations... the ideas are nice and important and all that, but the structure of it all is wearing on me. i'm just tired. i tried to pretend in the beginning i wasn't and that i wouldn't be but i'm tired.

5. maybe i should continue talking to someone about it so that it's not just spinning around in my head with all the other things that aren't being said...

6/yay. but not really. sigh. nothing ever really seems simple. but then again, i guess that's everybody's life.

7. at least black theatre makes me happy. at least my other group is better this year.

8. p.s. i'm quitting my job and looking for another in the coming weeks. ask me where i'm getting money from when i do quit my job. wait for the silence and the shrug. yeah.idk. but i trust it's the right decision for me. i have to be more decisive and active and learn how to just deal with the consequences.

9.  *shakes head*

Lately

the things I wish I could say in the interest of full disclosure/keepin it realness here are too big, too personal, too easy to touch if you know me... and i can't really risk me being found out on the interwebs without my knowing. in person i know who knows what i'm knowing about me at the moment, but not online, no online anyone could be learning me without my knowing. and usually that's fine, but lately, lately the necessary people need to know first.

on a "what i can tell you" type of note
1. lots of stuff flying around in my head
2. more Chromeo addiction
3. might add a free non credit nonfiction workshop & an acting workshop to the sheh-dwool
4. i'm acting a lil in a production this semester, playing myself, an afro wig (ha.)
5. just date. one of the simplest and hardest things to keep in my mind.
6. liking people is so like, not as simple as it should be gotdammit!
7. i'm simple, ain't i'm? i like to think so.
8. there's this interesting thing that keeps happening in #7 where i was trying to write a word and instead i started spelling "know," like my mind is saying, "Just stop questioning yourself." interesante
9. so, free flow
10. nvm, that one thing i just thought when i said that was too much. so instead
11. night night.
12. night.

all afta the fact

i feel very vulnerable & raw.


i keep doing that embarassment thing i do where i remember something i did and how ridiculous it was/how much i kinda wish i could take it back/done it better and then i close my eyes real tight, exclaim "aaaahhh" while shaking my head like i'm some type of etch-a-sketch and that'll make it all go away.


but it ain't gone go away.
and it shouldn't.


so, i went on an audition yesterday.
in New York City.
for a Writers in Performance Workshop.
i lost myself.
and not
in the good way...


ooh chile.
i wonder when i got so scared to be BIG. like everything shooting out of my fingertips, like speaking and moving with my whole body, how to perform, take it to the next level everything as me.
bc i can act. no one can take that from me. i am talented. but i just get so... regressive sometimes. no, that's unfair. there are many reasons why that audition was just "shake my head like an etch-a-sketchable"


1. i was trying to do too much at once in not enough time for the experience that i have.
a. tryin to memorize a 3min poem the day of an audition
b. still editing the poem the day of the audition.
c. figuring out how to perform this the day of the audition
d. doing all of this in no more than like 4 hrs probably.
2. tho i actually did memorize the work, bc of the subject matter & my level of comfort with performing something that was coming straight from me, my own story that was a LOT.
3. i can act. but that's becoming another person. it took some learning/getting used to/hard work for that. and it's a WHOLE NOTHER BEAST to learn how to perform your own work. i'm much more comfortable with becoming someone else to perform than just telling my story and having to look strangers in the eyes while I do it.
4. I wasn't even prepared mentally when I started it. Like, i was not where I need to be to say what I needed to say. Again, this is something I have to do when I act, or hell even when I sit down to write a paper so I need to learn how to get there before I perform my own work.
5. time. time. time. it takes a substantial amount of time to create a couple minutes worth of beauty and surrender. i was not surrendering and i was not allowing myself to be beautiful. and by beautiful i mean be myself and loving myself enough to let myself go the way i needed to.
6. mindfulness. is so important. how can you perform if you're not all the way there? who are you performing for if you're looking into empty seats or up into the sky? who? not the people watching you. i know that much. i fixed that after i realized i was doing it, but i did it nonetheless.
7. i gotta stop being afraid to be BIG. to be myself. if i can stare into the crowd as a character, as someone else, i can i have to do that as me as well. that's actually more important. what's the point of being half-hearted?
8. to be given a span of time, if even a couple minutes, to a make a moment all your own, to have the attention of everyone in the room (even if it's just 2 ppl at an audition) is an AMAZING thing. a brilliant opportunity to become, to be present, to grow and to feel and i want to remember that. to take advantage of that.
9. i'm so uncomfortable with holding other people's attention, as Jessica. i don't know if it feels selfish somehow, maybe i'm just scared, maybe i still have phantom worries about whether what i have to say really matters. i want to let them go. i want to be all the way here and out of my head. out of the escape. and prepared.
10. i want to be prepared for opportunity. i shall prepare for opportunity by seeking, by taking it to the next level.
11. there's a great giant leap between knowing what you need to do and doing what you need to do.
12. i am ready for the leap.
13. i think i need me some meditation. actually i know i do. i'm not quite sure how that works. hrmmm...  i'm sure it starts with me. and definitely with being kind to myself. and some reading. thich nhat hanh.
14. also, being in school and all that entails and trying to find a way to also be somewhere else, to achieve something else can be really hard. school life takes up SO MUCH HEADSPACE.
15. but that's no excuse. when i wants what i wants i gotta do it all the way.
16. yeah. that.