lessons in 2011: what's bringing me & Archimedes closer

the Eureka! moment

the two major themes in the past week,

1. what is about me
2. what's not about me


              ... and how to proceed accordingly.

1. what is about me: how to find understanding within my feelings & my motivations behind the things, events, people etc that I focus my attention on.

2. what's not about me: dispersing information that could be helpful to others, regardless of potential embarrassment, misunderstanding etc

the importance in this distinction is the outcome, and learning how to be comfortable with it. whereas #1 means i'm responsible for getting through and finding, #2 says stop tripping and do what's necessary. yes, i am being vague... or maybe not at all.

oo oo ooooo
another thing.
+1. i've realized another important distinction for me is the difference between wanting someone and liking someone. they are not the same thing for me.

liking someone usually means liking things about them, and maybe even liking them a lot.
wanting someone means you just gotta have them/ be near them/ get closer even if irrational

i'm simplifying. but yes,

it is dangerous to conflate the two. and there comes a point in feeling where i have to go, "hey, what is this really all about? what do i really want? bc i like string cheese but i don't need it."

is it wrong that i'm likening a person to string cheese? maybe. but it was the quickest thing i had.
and i even just introduced a new word: need.

*lowers glasses to the bridge of nose, looks over the rim, purses lip*

the way i hear people describe being in love, "need" and "want" become the same thing.

i wouldn't know.
i'm finally okay with that. being alone, and viewing myself through the lens of being alone, having "alone" be a major part of my identity is taxing. i want to stop feeling so powerless because of it, because that's all... negative, you know? it's complicated. but i feel like i'm reaching a point where i've achieved patience. i'm content with not sharing my life with someone. yes, i am only 21 but sharing a connection that feels right with someone... i don't want to wait forever for that, but i'm willing to wait :)

tangent. admission. go.

i spent a portion of this year ready to do my version of settling and using a lot of the word "just" and i'm not about "just-ing" anything. i know what i want. sometimes it feels weird standing firm in that whenever everyone else doesn't seem committed to it, but since when has doing what everyone else is doing been an important thing for me? only when i'm worried i'm being too brave or different or i can't think of hearing an experience like mine before. that's not reason enough to stop being principled. what is for me, is for me. and i'm cool with that. in the meantime, i'll be working on focusing through other things that are going well for me and those things that i'd like to achieve.

hard work, constant introspection, thought- & feeling-digging rewarded.

i don't claim to have the answers to the universe, just some things i've been hoping to understand. and,

that makes me a quiet kind of happy :)

revelation, couple years in the making, feeling less hardheaded now

1. i assume and i run.

2. every time.

3. is it possible that i'm right about what i see in you? is it possible i can touch a part of you that hasn't been touched yet? is it possible? does this matter? will it change?

4. oh, to be beautiful and alone. shit fucks with you. excuse my expletives.

5. i'm always wanting someone to reach for me, while not doing much reaching.

6. i wonder how much i've ever wanted, more than wanting to be wanted. that's not quite love.

7. i think that's why i've never quite fallen for anyone, for anything.

8. who's not terrified of giving and wanting everything and being left with nothing? ... i'm thinkin, now that i know that's what i've been doing... i'm not terrified. i'm not scared anymore.

9. or rather, i'm finally ready to be courageous.

10. i've been courageous in other stages. usually, the only time i allow myself to do something (and it almost
always turn out great... either way, i'm believing it's been necessary) is when i don't know what the hell i'm getting myself into. i'm always nervous/anxious before starting things; i've got a million ways it's gonna turn out in my head, and all that ever matters is that thing i can't see. what am i gonna do with what i can't see?

11. i think i'm always being taught that i have everything i need to come back from things.

12. RISK.

13. it'll be okay. it'll be fine. it'll be GREAT.

14. i just don't wanna be frozen. i want to be present. whatever is thrown at me that i couldn't see
that's that. and i will respond accordingly.

15. it's a funny thing, listening to your heart. there's this comfort in acting logically, it's a false sense of security to say "this makes sense." Making sense never saved a life. Has it? Well, that's not what is gonna save my life. What's gonna save my life is something that goes past what i could possibly understand from what i've already learned, what i've been inclined to believe. It's gonna be beyond that. 'cause it should be.

16. i don't trust positive signs. i never really have. i'm learning to see them.

17. i've learned about myself recently, that i need someone that's gonna say "Jessica, no, what I'm asking is that I can do _______ for you. Not this other little thing you think I'm offering. I'm offering you much more. Cut it. Stop expecting so little from me. I'm not what you already know. Let me show you something different. Let me open your eyes. Let me love you. Let me appreciate you. Let me in. Let.Me.LetGo."

18. Now that I'm aware I need that, I can look for the moments where I can let go, where I can let people keep speaking, where I can stop trying to run for cover from boldness or nekkedness. I want to stop trying to run for cover. Stop qualifying experiences. If I'm happy, I'm happy. Or more importantly, if I was happy then, I was happy then. Not, "I was happy then but little did I kno later so and so would happen." And?

19. For all my wanting love, I have to remember... I don't get a cookie for loving someone, and not showing it. What grand thing am I doing having the power to do something brave and not doing it? Would I really lose everything if I sustained glance someone? If I let a couple great smart ass comment moments slip by? If I took off the mask of "You can't touch me?" Because that's probably why people don't try to touch me. Because even when I'm more intimate than I ever go I'm still protecting myself. I'm still letting people know, you can't break me. Truth is, no, I won't be broken ... permanently. More importantly, not everyone is trying to break me. But I always try to prepare myself for if they can, if they will.

20. Sometimes I miss people. Sometimes I want to be around them. Sometimes I don't. But truth is, I've just gotten used to not showing much affection because I grew up afraid of rejection of that affection. Or, I figured, for what? What will you do with my heart? What do you know about treating me right that I don't kno? that others don't kno?

21. I want the answers to those last questions. And those answers come from letting people know they matter to me.

22. The world won't end if I let someone know he or she matters to me.
22a. WITHOUT qualifiers. WITHOUT  covers. WITHOUT logic.

23. The way I take in the world may be different from everyone else. The way I experience emotions may be scary or feel like too much sometimes, but I have to let myself be myself and share myself and maybe someone(s) will share themselves with me, authentically and courageously. It's hypocritical to expect someone to give give and prove and reach out without giving them something to hold onto. Without giving them me to hold onto.

24. I'm gonna try this new thing my mom mentioned to me some years ago: start people's tank on full.
Which is to say, either they'll run it down to empty, stay at full ... wait wait. i'm letting go of this metaphor.
It means, I want to try not making everyone prove to me they're worth my heart. Everyone deserves love. Whether love is me finding some change, a dollar whatever to give to someone that touches me on the street or the subway, or love is asking someone to hang out with me or listening to a problem someone has.

25. I don't think love has to be this big untouchable wait forever for thing. Thinking that way is why it hurts so much when I think about never having been in a relationship for 21 (or maybe I'll count it as like 4 because I wasn't really ready to be in nobody's relationship until like 17 or maybe I haven't been ready until now and that's the point of me being alone.... ) years. I'm talking about different kinds of love here. I got into a big argument abt this 2 years ago actually. They're still two different things.

26. I dream of a love that involves *ahem* closer contact than some of the examples I've given but I agree with the person I was in the argument with then now #touche (haha) about loving where present, taking the edge off of the love that's not yet here. I can live with that.

27. I'm learning how to be present. Less anxious. Less scared. Less guarded. I'm really good at those things. How bout I try something different? How bout I challenge myself? How bout it.

28. Mmmmhmmm.

29. i love my life. i LOVE my life. Though there are times I wonder what it would be like if I could touch whatever everyone else seems to get that I ain't gettin I love MY life. It's mine. and I'm gonna do the best with it I can.

30. That's it.

yestuhday.

i'll keep it one hunnent with you. i got my haircut yesterday and was initiallynot as excited as I had been expecting to be. for a couple reasons. i actually went through a couple phases yesterday about the change. a list of thoughts/processes/events from the day..

1.  Hrmm. Is this what the photograph looks like? 

a. Well, no. you know why? Bc my hair isn’t long enuf for that yet.

b. But wow, I look kinda boxed up. I guess my mom could be right this time. I’m  have to put some texture in it.

c. “b” comes mostly from “the line” and how it sharpens my face extra in conjunction with the angles in my ‘fro now. I’m cool with the ‘fro angles but I’ve realized that I prefer my natural hair line to “the line” constructed at the barbershop. I don’t need to be that clean. And I like to believe I can get away with it bc I’m a lady *blush* haha.

2.  wait for my grandfather to say something snipey about it. His friend is cutting my hair, and apparently as the barber said, “They go back like car seats.” (I’ma have to use that one). I was very surprised actually these black men in their sixties were okay with a young woman getting her hair cut at the barber. I appreciated it. My PopPop gave me a very neutral comment. He called me Angela Davis. I don’t know if that’s a compliment from him. I think it’s supposed to mean I’m militant and clearly don’t give a damn abt what society would rather have me do to fit in… so that’s pretty true. I can’t be claiming the Angela Davis type militancy yet tho. Not quite there. But as far as being critical of accepted ideas about race, gender, class etc.. mmhm.

3. I get home, and my grandma mourns my baby hairs. She says I look so much older now. Considering my grandma liked to tell me I looked 16 whenever I came home from college, I’m thinking "older" means I actually look 21 now and it’s trippin her out a lil.

4. My hair was twisted by the time my mom got home. I wanted to make it a lil softer and put texture in it. It works. Got my rectangle and texture. Mmhm.

5.      I skipped my sister. She said it’s a nice cut, but it’s a dude’s haircut.

6.      I’ll give her that. But then I think, she/I only think(s) it’s a dude’s haircut bc we’ve only really seen men with it before. I begin to tire of/understand more why people feel so constricted by our understandings of gender expression. I understood it before, but it’s different when it’s a lil more in my face. Before it was my grandma insisting I wear a skirt & purse to church. My dad upset I wasn’t wearing earrings every time he picked us up on the weekend. I don’t wear makeup. I’m playing down my looks etc. My sister telling me I need to “Girl it up.” This hair takes it another step tho, bc previously I’ve had “pretty hair.” Straightened (by hot comb)àStraightened (by perm & flat iron)braids/crimps etc (transition to natural hair) Lil afro ”twisties” starter locs longer locs long sometimes curly locs (and it’s also important to note my locs were the locs ppl always told me they wanted for themselves bc they were soft & curly and not nappy like others and that always left me a lil “whhaaa?” bc I think locs are beautiful nappy too. My soft hair actually made it take longer for it to lock & one of my friends still joked they were still “twisties” bc they were so soft but yeah) Then I cut about 10 inches of my hair off one random day during finals week (even tho I had been thinking abt a haircut since Feb, documented on this blog actually) and came home to a whole bunch of talk (also documented on this blog).

7.      I think, “Will I be less attractive to men now?”

8.      I think, “Do I really care? Do I really care, if I like my hair? If it’s feels natural. If sometimes I forget I had locs because they’re behind me now. If I’m happy with the way that I look, how much does it really matter if I have somehow decreased the # of men that would be attracted to me now?” I answer, “Nah, not really. Not much.” And keep it movin.

9.      And really that’s just an assumption. When I cut my hair in May, the amt of male attention didn’t really change all that much. I don’t really feel like I get that much anyway. I’m actually pretty oblivious to all of that most of the time.

10.   And that takes me to this part… “Why is Jessica afraid to be pretty?” When I first heard this question I thought, “huh?” but I also feel the question is legitimate. I didn’t have an answer until yesterday. I don’t think “afraid…” Afraid, I’m not that. I’m just disinterested. I’m told that I’m pretty. Some people wish I would accentuate the pretty. But I realize that I’ve never steeped my identity in “pretty.” Being “pretty” and the idea of somehow exploiting it to my advantage doesn’t make me happy. So why not explore the looks I’m interested in?

11.    I’ll get dressed up, put on some makeup every once & a while. I put some effort into the way I dress bc it makes me happy, because that serves as a means of expression for me sometimes. But as far as my face, that really doesn’t have much to do with me. I’m not responsible for how that turned out. I’m responsible for my skincare & all that but I can’t create my face (I guess with makeup but still). But whatevs, I just don’t find it all that interesting. Maybe I’m privileged to not have to think about that. I’m grateful for the compliments. But I don’t want to believe beauty is that simple. Or really, I just don’t care to “Girl it up” if I don’t want to. Yeah, that’s it. I do what I want. Haha. A la Cartman. But without the tragic Maury teen aspect to it. Seriously, that was a joke and a tangent bc South Park is hilarious, but it is important that I do what I want and not what everyone else wants me to do or thinks i should do bc I actually have a pretty good head on my shoulders and a  good understanding of myself. 

12.   I resolve. I like my hurr. I will continue to experiment with it. As I’ve said before, a big afro is in my future. Who knows what I’ll be doing in the meantime? Though I do want to keep that transition in mind. But um, if I’m happy with me I’m not particularly worried about what other people think. I find being secure in myself and being true to who I am and what I want is the best way to attract people anyway. I’ve met some great people that way that accept me for who I am, as I am. And actually seem to love it, who’da thunk it?

13.   But for visual purposes/clues, my hair pretty much looks like the pic above, cause there you can’t see the little Mohawk back. I just essentially just got the hair in the back cut down low and a trim on the sides and the top is still high. I likes it. I’m just wondering how I’ma fit my hair into the hats for the winter.

14.   I’ll work it out.

15.   I like being different.

16.   Most of the time. Sometimes when I think about it too much, I get scared. I get all “Oh shit, this is me. I feel all buck naked & vulnerable. This is what Ilook like. This is what I want. This is what I sound like. This is what I write like. This is what I think like. Oh no! People are inside of me now. What ifthey don’t like it? What if they don’t accept it? What if I’ve lost something of mine now? Where will they go? OH NO! CRAP ON A STICK!” Haha. And then I calm down (this process varies in length & nature, i'll admit) and get over it.

17.   I really gotta pump the brakes on the “end of the world” thinking. I be trippin. Self doubt is tiring and also getting pretty boring. I’m so used to it (read: drained by it) I don’t even believe myself when I start my insecure thinking. Sometimes I wonder if I do it for nostalgia sake. Because taking the leap feels a lil foreign. I get homesick for the comfort zone & the land of least risk for the scraps of reward. But I prefer the adventure. I prefer the leap, and looking back is okay for analysis, to understand myself better, but I’d break my neck, or get a  tension headache or something if I never turned back around, right? Right. Mmhm.

18.   I just want to be happy. And I have to leave a few things in the past in order to achieve that.

19.   The power of the mind is astounding. Real talk. And my inner monologue is strong. I’ma give it some super things to say to me. And then I’ll be doin some super thangs. ‘Cause I believe them. Isn’t that gonna be grand?!

20.  I want the progress. I don’t want the fear. Unless it’s there for me to try to understand, deconstruct and then surmount.

21.   Being an "adult" is interesting. I feel like one all of a sudden. But, that’s a whole ‘nother post. Suffice it to say, I once told one of my mom’s friends I didn’t really feel like an adult (like months ago) and he asked me, “Well, do you make your own choices?” and I said, “Yeah, I do.” And he said “Well, you’re an adult.” I understand that more now. I’m taking steps for me, to my later peril or wild success but they’re mine and that feels better than wishing someone could just tell me what to do every once and a while so I’d have someone else to blame my failure on. Failure is actually not so bad. It gives you a new beginning. And sometimes it takes you a way from one thing, so you can have another. But it’s so dark inside the failure you forget that light exists beyond it. And sometimes you make the fog of the failure thicker, in an effort to find comfort in it. It’s easier than making your way out of it, cause you get to stand still. But as I learned when I stood for an hour and some change looking through them records in the basement, standing still makes your knees weary. Oooh chile! Haha. But if you’re standing still for something like the records, or say… my summer in Philly where I wasn’t doing anything résumé-able but had rewards that’s cool. Am I losing control of the metaphor? Maybe. Am I still saying something that makes sense, getting my point across? I think so. Haha. Well, to me anyway.

22.  It’s okay to give yourself a little faith. It’s okay if it’s not like someone else’s faith, if it doesn’t come from the same places. It’s okay if you don’t know how to keep it going, if it feels much smaller than you want it to be… just try. Just start, just start again, just keep moving. Or if you’re gonna sit still, let it be so when you start moving you do it more intelligently, and if you stumble, thas cool *shoulder shrug* just don’t give up on yourself. That’s never a good look. And I do mean never.


 Oh and this just came up in my Pandora, crazy fly. 

Salutations.