Monday, November 29, 2010

Two things

1. i'm hard-headed.
2. Jeff Buckley is the man.

from Sketches for My Drunken Sweetheart

had this on repeat during Thanksgiving break.

okay. three things.
3. i know what i need to be doing, and i keep putting it off for the things that i want immediately that just aren't happening right now. and instead of focusing on what's in my control to make happen, i've been focusing on what makes me feel powerless, and being comfortable with powerlessness because it removes accountability to a certain degree. if i have no control, i can't make any moves. when i focus on what's not in my control, it seems like there's nothing for me to be doing.


but when i focus on what's in my control, i'm starting to realize, i am busy for a lifetime. and i like that. there are things i want to do, and i have to stop allowing myself to be distracted by forced perceptions or old comforts that just aren't that comforting anymore.

okay so, four things.

4. whenever shit that makes me uncomfortable happens, i legit feel like falling off the face of the earth & making myself unreachable to the world. but then i remember all the people who make me happy :) and i am happy to know ... and gosh darnit! are happy to know me and (maybe sometime it takes time but) then i cut it out. and cutting it out is key!

dang nabbit. five.

5. okay so. i often feel like the undercurrent to a lot of my realizations are about love. begin sidenote: i love that James Baldwin expressly states that his work is about love. end sidenote. but yeah. so this semester i've been learning/getting better at the whole "not focusing on love" thang. i know me saying this makes it sound not true. haha. but for reasons i don't really know, i'm more comfortable with being alone. it doesn't mean i don't want love, or even to go out on dates or whatever, but it does mean i'm not trippin or feelin as alone as usual. and i'm actually starting to catch the bad habits i have when lonely. they're wack. which includes but is not limited to: seeing something that's not there. most deadly.

but yeah man, i'ma be alright.

and i don't know what the real thing feels like because i haven't encountered it. and sometimes that hurts bc i want it so bad so i wanna feel closer to it and make things around me it, or even make myself feel guilty for somehow missing it in the past when really... it just hasn't been my time yet. the best i can do tho, is learn my lessons and keep it moving. NOT pretend i was never hurt, or never felt anything or that i wish i had never met so and so, so and so's a butthole (even if he is... haha, but he couldn't be all asshole bc i would've never bothered in the 1st place) etcetera etcetera you get my drift.

last two things.

6. i've realized this semester, that maybe the reason i feel sluggish & tired & drab is bc i'm literally sitting in the dark. like sometimes, i just use the light coming in from the window & never turn on my room light. duh. yeah silly, you're not letting all the light in/on/around you foolio. psshh. i'm gonna work on that.

7. i think i forgot. oh. i wanna be more present. i keep forgetting to be that bc it sounds all fancy & it's easier when i'm alone, but i want to do it. like, i want to be present in my interactions with others, bc it's all ... crucial & stuff. i'm not gonna always get things right, but i'll learn & get better. also, i need to start counting to ten & check my perceptions when ppl disappoint me.

and i'm gonna read & write more. so yeah.

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