So,

i have come to the disturbing realization that 

i'm trippin.

now, i wanted to not feel trapped this summer.. and i don't... really...
but you could say that i'm trapping myself in uncertainty and lottastuffatonceness.


i'll clear up. we all do it. i routinely have 5 or 6 tabs open online. who doesn't? but hey, i also routinely have abt, well now, 11 books out from the library, nowhere close to finishing any of them. i'm genuinely interested in all of them, but i find myself wanting to read them all at once and not knowing how to just stick to one for even an hr. books ranging from the bougie-rife w/ stereotype must read for a Columbia/college student/free spirt/bleh Jack Kerouac's On the Road to The Portable MFA in Creative Writing (and other professional/careers books) and  poetry..


and i write so sparingly.
and i've never really been able to stick to just one medium of journaling. the closest i've come to keeping a consistent record of thought is this blog, and an occasional entry in a microsoft word document. numerous notebooks tho, and i never really use up all the pages. i wanna fix this.
i have to fix this scatterbrain, shotty attention span thing before I get back to school... because it definitely affects my performance. it's a problem when the most reading you can do in one sitting is an article or a couple pages of quotes.


i'm also supposed to be writing this summer. top priority. time to write all kinds of things. and experiment. and plan for the next year and beyond. figure out how to feel less crazy.


i think what i want to do to remedy this, is restrict myself to about 3 or 4 books at time, and only if they are different types of books (i.e. novel+book of poetry+ portable mfa+essays+plays).


also at least for a couple days a week, decide on a time to go to sleep and to wake and regiment some yoga, guitar practice time, writing, reading, chilling/music/randoming. not on some boot camp structure just on learning how to focus on one thing at once again, because right now i can't. and it scares me.


and meditation. meditation has been suggested, shall be taken under consideration, shall be researched and implemented.


at some point i've developed this phobia of giving my full attention to one thing and missing out on a chance to do some other thing, like none of it will ever fit. and i want to face this fear head on, with devotion and commitment, learning from doing and stop this worry of mistakes and being unfulfilled.


and i need some practice in doing what i set out to do. even in the summer.