mmhm.

 i do enjoy Jamiroquai. 

numb but

i'll be okay. i always am.

last night, all the buzzing that i've been feeling inside was released
into hums
humming down the street
audible enough for strangers
i had no regard
i still don't care
goodnight
morning.

so.

i was looking in my little blue book where i write quotes, song lyrics, thoughts etc for another sign. and again, right as i let out the supplication, "just one more..." i found this:

(apparently, i wrote it today a year ago... though it doesn't feel that it would be that long ago i wrote something like this...)
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5/4/09   I have to keep believing. It's not enough to believe really hard for one day or one weekend or even a week. I have to have (sometimes often blind) unwavering faith that I get what my heart desires or better yet what God has for me = what's best for me."
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well, alright then.

wonder how related that is to this:

Proverbs 3:5-6
5 Trust in the LORD w/ all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight.
6 In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

"Seasons change."

i hope this is true.

so, i went to see Corinne Bailey Rae at Webster Hall tonight. GREAT. and...
i cried a lil. during this song. and it's never really affected me that way before. but i'm tired, and i've been tired for a long time. and i feel like "seasons [have] change[d]" in certain respects but not in this one that i'm always talking about. whether i'm sitting alone in my room, in class, on the subway, walking down the street in New York or Philly, wherever or squoze up at that concert surrounded by mad married couples and otherwise...

she prefaced the song by saying...

"this for those that are waiting."

SO. she basically dedicated it to me.

And then after a brilliant performance from Corinne and her lovely band, they came back with this 
for me as well...

(wait, this should be prefaced with, before they came back on i found myself praying to God that this was true and that mine was coming soon)

"Don't you know that you get yours."

And i can't quite remember, but I'm sure I cried a little more.

Tomorrow (when it was Monday, so since it's past midnight=Today) is an important day for me.

yes!

and my favorite Lutha song!

things happen for a reason.

i'm starting to believe that. well, i kinda always have to justify wild, unfortunate stuff that happens. but, i'm believing that a course of events are being set in motion and i'll soon have some delightful proof of this thing that people are always saying. mmhm. yeah.

and some music, 'cause well... there hasn't been any in a while.
been listening to this a bit (read: almost everyday for several days)



i heard about it a WHILE ago, but it's come back in an infectious way.
beautiful song.

another olderie & dope, because duh it's The Roots.
idk why, but i enjoy Peedi Crakk's exclamation, "North Philly get it in!" haha, even tho I ain't nan parts from N. Philly, tho Jill Scott was. Philly don't play. So proud to come from the legacy of the city. Even though I know much more about our singers than writers. Up! more research for the summer :]



just rock.

this might be long

so sometimes i find myself, to comfort myself, trying to think of all the things that maybe just maybe someone could love about me. like some type of proof that they exist. and the list varies, and i sprinkle it with some thangs that i don't even like, the mundane, weird shit i'm proud to love, some vulnerable thangs, some not-so-cute, some ouch, i'd want you to love the none too flattering too... and it's all because i know i'll be searching for it too. and there are smiles i remember and dream i can provoke one day, and some hearts i've found myself wanting to warm, amazed by the privilege of mattering to someone. mmhm.

and i wish there was less of a chore in waking up lately. that my eyes didn't feel so heavy underneath. and that i didn't prefer to roll around in my bed to starting the day, or continuing after a nap, or leaving my room and just wishing someone else could be plopped down into it and i feel his breath on my back or his finger trace down the middle or to just have the luxury of staring into someone's eyes and feeling safe. safe to linger there until all that's left to do is close your eyes and take a deep breath to cycle all of the good flowing through your body being so close to someone.

and i want these things to only feel good. not temporary. not like they only last as moments, like the feeling can't be carried out to all what and who we know. that this moment isn't wherever we are, and not just convenient for a certain space and time. i want someone to only want this with me, and to genuinely feel like i can trust him enough to only want that with him.

and i want someone that inspires me to fight myself. to fight the fear. to fight the
"oh shit, does someone like me?"
"shit, will i have to schedule the bulldozing of walls and stone faces soon?"
to keep on keeping on regardless of all the ways i can picture things going wrong, and all the times i've been right about knowing things just how things were gonna go wrong. to fight the comfort that comes with knowing just how someone is going to fuck up and staying along for the ride simply bc i'm not doing anything else at the moment and sometimes he makes me feel good. sometimes is not enough. because sometimes usually means that he only really commits to sometimes.

wanting to make someone happy exists. i know it does. i want to make someone happy. why? why not? don't we all deserve to feel safe to be ourselves, flawed, and not so flawed, beautiful, scary to the point of it making sense for people to run away, belch, fart, be angry, sad, successful, inspiring etc who we are and have someone else appreciate that. and want to show it with kisses? to feel compelled to hold you. to make an effort to be there for you. to want to give someone what they need because you see they need it, and you know they would do the same for you?

i'm not gonna pretend that i can say all i've ever thought about love right now. esp since i'm working with what's coming out of my fingers here and now, and because i've never felt it but i needed to release something. i feel so much longing backed up inside of me and just buzzing and making me almost numb to everything else that i have ever allowed myself to want-- like As. or to know everything in a book i'm assigned. to be an  "excellent student" to be what that is set up to mean for me. i want to want a new path, and to shape it and pave it for myself, and believe it for myself. and i want to write, and i want to make people feel less alone like writers and singers and musicians and artists, friends whoever you are that i can't name right now have made me feel. i want to inspire, but i want to be me. and i don't want to force me into anything. i want to take care of me. and that starts with being honest about what i want. now, if i should find what i want is unhealthy that's another story but i'm tired of entertaining the idea that it's wrong to feel lonely, or to long for the love that so many people give up on and refuse to hold themselves and others  accountable to. i don't want love that hurts in the same ways over and over again, and i don't want to be complacent, and i don't want to equate love with familiar pain. or unfamiliar for that much. i don't know what it looks like. i don't know what it feels like. but i know that lately it feels like regardless of whatever strides and plans i make, whatever i do and what i believe i am still capable of doing and will continue to seek, sometimes it's just
I'm not ever really ready to wake up to another day that ends with having no one to hold me.