this might sound strange but

the problem is that i like myself, as is.

i think the source of a lot of confusion/stress/irritation in my life is that I'm satisfied with the way I look, the way I do things and who I am. I like love myself. This is not to say that I'm perfect, and am never insecure or unhappy. What I'm saying is that the core of who I am, and how I represent and present myself I'm cool with. 

So, the problem enters when people are always telling me how I can be better, how

I need to "girl it up"

I'm always downplaying my looks

how I need to wear make up, curl my hair, put on more jewelry, carry a pocketbook, heels, smile false

how I had all that hair and just cut it off and now I look hard

backhanded compliments. you're a beautiful girl but you act like you're scared, you should do this that and the third. thank you for the complient, but you can save the rest---

I was always confused about when people say things like, "before I knew you, you used to confuse me. i didn't understand how such a pretty girl could be so unhappy." And this thing is kind of a new struggle for me. I've gotten past wondering why I'm not the president of five different organizations, saving the world, working somewhere impressive, and getting straight As. That's not what I want to do right now and not quite where I want my life to be.

But this "girly" "womanly" thing---I'm just realizing that it's because being pretty has never been a source of identity for me. putting on make-up, painting my nails, having long hair, the works whatever- that doesn't make me happy. so it doesn't mean anything. i like putting together a nice outfit just as much as the next person, and every once and a while I'll wear eyeliner and mascara but that's pretty much it.

the puzzle now is, according to these people this is probably why I'm alone. there's no such thing as someone liking you for who you are... I rebuke it. Lately, it's a constant struggle to believe that one day I'll be more than enough for someone- sans make-up, my true face and whatever hairstyles i go through and all.

All I want to be is me. With time, maybe all that other stuff will start to matter to me, and that's fine. But, I need to do it on my own time.

This whole girl-woman thing is wild to me. Becoming a woman, which I would love to just translate to autonomous adult, it seems to be about so many things that don't come natural to me- the primp & priss, the desire/joy to cook for my family, decorate, etc. Hearing and reading theories and essays is one thing, and I've usually agreed, but feeling it is a whole 'nother thing. And it's ugly. I shouldn't have to question how much of a woman I am by these standards. In time I'm sure wanting to be a family will be more important to me, maybe I'll want to make a guy drool by how I look... but as for now, I just want to be happy. And it's not coming from these places, practices and ideas.