there's a serious possibility

that i might not go to sleep tonight. and, not even on some "i have lots of schoolwork to do and i'm gonna not sleep to do it" on some "there are a lot of things that i haven't been allowing myself to say and write, in the interest of numbness and reserving my store of tears for 2010 because 2009 had me at drought level by the end of the year such that it felt physically impossible." I'm just  saying y'all, it's only February. The most I've been able to do is that face contortion that comes before the surrender cry. Not everything can be fixed by "writing it out," but considering when i got back to my room today i wrote four pages of (necessary to unleash) thoughts with the speed of, oh say, something really fast? i'm thinking i need to write today. Plus, i haven't seen the sun come up in a while, and it's worth a bag or two (under the eyes). Moreover, I refuse to be afraid of how tired i'll be during what promises to be a long Thursday.

on another note, I'ma need for me to write the equivalent in novels, poems, whatever other way stories come out as they need to for me to what Stevie Wonder has done- even though I shamefully only really know his hits (like Songs in the Key of Life and the double-disc Song Review). I mean, I said shamefully, i know i'm effin up in life but i'm only 20. This song, as literally as possible with a mental experience, takes me to a whole 'nother place 99.95% of the times I listen to it.



(but why does it seem like just about every song he's ever written was a masterpiece though?)

now, this made me realize something. danggit, here's the tangent i didn't see coming. i spoke with a friend today about the different forms and ways and images and archetypes of activism. i often feel like it's supposed to look a certain way to prove you're genuinely passionate (or at least really care on some human level, as trite as it may sound) even when it's said as a side note that it can look different. i don't know what my activism will/would/has looked like, but i'm pretty sure it's gonna look like a story,or a poem or sound like me speaking or singing, or discussions or look like me scribbling- who knows what life holds but (as it pains me to say) it might not necessarily involve policy-writing/making, picket signs, spending a lot of time at City Halls. I don't think that's what I look like. I think that's what I think I should look like, but we're all different for a reason. And maybe, allowing myself to look different will make someone else feel less alone.And, I'm aware that something else has to be coupled with it, to be effective, but I'm still looking for what that is for me.


and that synthesizer, special whatever, more knowledgeable music people please correct my ignorance that he uses after the chorus amazes me every time.

Good. Good first day.

So, it feels like a "give you the blow by blow" type day. pause. (had to do it).

Got up at like 8am. Free breakfast in the lobby of my dorm. Holler. Woot woot. Came back and ate a banana. Work. Class. Dinner with friends. But in between the two classes, one thing that had me a little frenzied: books. Now, I don't play games when it comes to books and I usually find out a way not to buy them. Be it library, Borrow Direct,E-books, borrow... buying the book the last option unless I really feel I will be using it in the future. So, of course after my first class I go to the library to get the books... went to three different ones... One question: WHO THE HEEL (yes, heel) done got to the books before me? Oh no no no. And I was hot running back and forth. But it's gonna be alright. Haha.

Classes. Intro to Asian American Studies. Interested. Looking forward to learning. Had the professor before. Should be good. Music Hum. or should I say Masterpieces of Western Music? Why not? Columbia does. Or should I say class full of music by dead white men? Why not? my teacher did. And therein, she stole my heart away. Haha. I forced it. Well, she made me excited about her approach to the class. She's a musical theorist focusing on "pop" music AND she says she primarily looks at it from a feminist approach and acknowledged that there aren't many women or people of color represented in the class. I lit up. Teachers outside of Ethnic Studies that look critically (acknowledging its strengths and weaknesses) at Columbia's CORE curriculum win me over instantly. And we talked about music for a while: when and how we listen, to what etc. Okay, I didn't talk then. But, I listened and answered the little questions on my sheet: paragraph-like. Soaked it all in. Then we listened to 1. "Dies Irae" (a Medieval Chant, apparently no ones knows who wrote it) 2. a piece from Mozart's opera, The Marriage of Figaro (Sull'aria, i think) and 3. "Superstition" by Stevie Wonder. Needless to say my heart skipped a beat when I recognized the last one (took 2 or 3 seconds) and I looked around, not everyone was as excited- but, this is okay.

For the first time since I've been here, I feel excited about learning. It's a return to a younger me. I feel hella/so/mad/wild alive thinking about it now. I hope this continues. I trust it will. I don't know what's getting into me, but I like it. I thank the Lord above.