you can't convince me

that on my Saturday afternoon I should have been doing anything other than adapting the electric slide to this song. (and that it's not completely appropriate to do this with any other song that tickles my fancy : P )


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QwjTL0SkmhA

i'm deciding, again, to believe

So, my friend posted this in her status on Monday:

"21 Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done. 22 If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."(Matt 21:21-22)

I felt like she posted it just for me (but she didn't know that she did). I needed that SO much. I still do. I feel like I need to post it on my wall to wake up to it every morning.

And, I'm realizing one of the reasons I may be finding such a hard time finding inspiration, renewal or even just an extended amount of time where I don't feel "bleh" is because I'm not doing anything different. I'm not hungering, or searching, or trying really hard and risk for anything right now. School has long since stopped being (if it ever was) that.

I went to this (what turned out to be an AMAZING) event called, "The Art of Healing" at my school today, showcasing visual art, spoken word, poetry and musical performances-highlighting the role of art in the process of healing from different forms of violence. Read a poem. But that's not the point. The point is that I looked at the artist's faces and their bodies and in one guy's eyes as they played/performed and it was beautiful. Some threw the music/performances/words into their whole body, other isolated parts and some just into the concentration in eyes. It was so beautiful. I love watching people wear/embody/rocking their love for what they do. I want to get there. I want to get closer- tap into that part of me where the writing comes from and not fear it or distort it into something it's not about, like praise or pride but healing, truth, story, me, gift, God. Mmhm.

So, there are a couple of things I'd like to start believing in again full force. And, I already know I have to add on more to them later when i think about what they are/how to voice them. So far

1. Believe in love. Believe in one written just for me, and don't contemplate the flaws in either of us. Don't let that belief be diminished or enhanced by how close or how far it may exist from now. Just let it be. And pray, I know what to do with it when it comes.
2. In more than just romantic love (for lack of a better term). Practice feeling and finding the love around me, in who I know, in what I do, in little delights throughout the day, of love. Practice loving me 'til I forget other people could even try to do it, comparably.
3. Believe in whatever I finally allow myself to want and live for. Believe in my art, that it is mine, that it exists. That I have a right and the ability to create. That I have a voice. And being scared to share that voice serves no one.
4. Believe that it all really is happening for a reason. And just because that reason seems unfathomable to me, that is no reason to question whether it exists.
5. Believe in daybreak.
6. Believe in rewards for risks.
7. Believe in the Word, and its purpose and necessity in my life.
8. Believe in the usefulness of questions. Don't rush steps ahead (that I sometimes don't even have any control over)
9. Believe that, regardless of how much and however I've been hurt and stale and worn, I don't really know a damn thing about what's in store for me. And if it don't look like the past well then Hal-le-lu! And I believe in my "Hal-lel-lu!" moment. I do.
10. Believe that is okay to tell the truth, even when it ostracizes me, makes me a weirdo, when someone i'm invested in/friends with/related to/looking at with googly eyes doesn't agree with it.

Note: YouTube/Google these artists now: Queen GodIs, Turnstylz, Freddy Fuego, Blitz the Ambassador (and this is tangential 'cause they didn't perform last night but), The Mighty Third Rail.

my friend doesn't know

what he just did for me, sending me this song. sometimes i forget what gets me out of the bad moments, and it's usually music- but usually not the old stuff, it's something new, or something i hadn't listened to close enough to before. thank you, D. never underestimate simple and real and personal truth-- it might be yours (or at least lead you to some).






i love how songs make you feel, you find yourself in it, recognize it and make it yours- find why you're feeling and the part of the story that you're gonna try to heal from. or ... maybe, that's just me.

just in time for my birthday :]

I'm getting published! in Barnard Echoes Literary Magazine. Holler. Just found out today. I'm lovin it. I've submitted work to three other campus publications, and one in Philly so we'll see how those go. Either way, I started singing this song today (at work) when i found out. It goes:

I'm gettin pubbbb-lished
I'm gettin pubbbb-lished
I'm gettin puh-uh-uhb-uh-uh-ublished.

I'm gettin pubbbb-lished
I'm gettin pubbbb-lished
I'm gettin puh-uh-uhb-uh-uh-ublished.

basically that on repeat, with an occasional "ow!" and of course a groovin of the shoulders.
feels good! i'll sing the song at request. de nada. and i really get this great feeling that i'll be able to sing it numerous times in my life. it shall be the sweet memory that grounds, humbles, and happifies me.

So.. it happened again

with this song, Sia's "Death By Chocolate."

My YouTube is telling me that an error occurred with this version
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddndSXy0Qgc
which is awesome, hopefully this changes soon.

However, you can listen here too: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMqdgVbBFIY&feature=fvw

Just close your eyes, engage and listen (to the words, and what's she's putting into it). I dare you not to be touched.

P.S. How am I doing on these dares? Am i usually right? Haha.

my birfday plans.

 I was planning on doing karaoke, but then I realized that I really am not particularly invested in planning anything big for my birthday. If I did, it would be more in the interest of a big group activity for others because I feel like I should than really about me.  And, best believe, this weekend is going to be about me. I have to learn how to do things like this for myself.  But I gots some things I have to do this weekend/I have set up to enjoy. So, don't fret I'm turning 21 in style (my-style, and that's all anyone can really ask for).

In the meantime this is my little list of birthday futures I’m speaking into existence for myself :j

1. A date. Like show me what dates look like when you really care for and think about someone and are determined to see multiple smiles on their face throughout the night. You feels me!
2. Some type of gathering of the lovers of oldies. I’ll take most things 90s and before and only the dope people of the 21^st century. Oooh and it would be cool if part of it could be a “music is not dead” type of showcase where people show the artists producing great work, during the era of “music ain’t what it used to be.” So basic-a-ma-lee, I want a music fest for my birthday. This will happen before I die, trust.
3.  Precious lil lip kisses/lil body hugs from my chillen one day. Their father, in tow, with a couple kisses of his own for me ;]
4. Writer fest something similar to the music fest, where there is a history shown of meaningful/powerful words. Learning what is important and why to other people and sharing what is important to me.
5.  Some awesome poem.
6. I’ll be reflecting on how great it is that my writing has been published and people are reading my book(s).
7. I’ll be reflecting on how proud I am of myself for actually learning how to either (at least) 1) break dance (a lil sumpn sumpn) or 2) play the guitar or maybe even 3) sing with some skill and ooh ooh 4) draw with some skill.
8.  I’ll get to show my sister, mom and grandmom how much I love and appreciate them for being (for the most part) the only family I know, need and see when I hear that word. For loving and supporting me, and being crazy with me- for being crazy/silly/fun themselves. And all that good stuff that I am going to stop myself from being epic with right here.
9. Write letters to the people that will last/have lasted this list/these declarations and the trials of time and peopleness (all the things that could pull us apart). Look out for these in maybe 10 years. Or at least 5.
10. Be out of the US, writing and learning and contributing somehow/ mattering somewhere
11. Sunshine. Warm weather. Toes out and free. And, a little leg on display. Oh, and plenty of smiles and laughter. A "just for me, i don't give a damn what you think about what i just did" outfit. Good, "close your eyes and just sniff," air.
12. Healing.

Would write more, but I gotta do some semblance of homework tonight. Shall write more eventually, I’m sure. It might just be a journal entry tho.

Special Note :] one of my good great (consult definitions: 3-9, 13, 18, 19 and 21 to understand what i'm saying) friends has offered (and of course, I accept!) to take me on a “this is what these lil-knuckleheads should be doing for you!” date of sorts this Saturday before my birthday and I’m excited ;] I am prepared to smile, laugh and be entirely honest/foolish/super! and surprised this night. 


happy birthday (in advance) and yaynousity to me!

you ever listen to some songs and you just...

close your eyes and cry a little bit... but like, you didn't even realize it was gonna happen/ that it did until the warm water is all there and you're all "woo, so uh... well, there it goes." just  me? that's cool.

it doesn't happen a lot, but i just had one of those moments with this song. i've had my times in the past where i put it on repeat. i just think lyrically, it's great... esp the play on what's "crazy" or "natural." and i just love Jill Scott, what she says, how she says it, her voice, her energy... errthang. probably more i'm not saying right now. but i think what led to the surprise tears, was the hope i have for this "crazy" in my life. it's a constant struggle between trying not to think about it and believing in it and having the (what feels like) blind faith in it. oh, and settling. everything feels like settling to me, when it's not this. but then again, i can't say for sure i know what it means to have this, whether it would be it for me. what's really settling, and what's really just a necessary part of my life/growth. i'm young. but that justification for things doesn't really mean much to me, because last year somebody i knew died at age 20. tomorrow is not promised. this is probably another thing that leads me to dead on- and pseudo-write about love every five minutes on here. I honestly think that I'll be able to work out the other things in my life, not that they'll be easy. But, it is a constant effort (for many reasons) for me to believe i'll really build a meaningful, unfathomable, indescribable, AWESOME (in every sense of the word, awe-inspiring, etc) connection and relationship with someone. Because if I didn't make the effort I don't know what I'd settle for. I'm actually scared of what that would look like...

now, i in no way proclaim that i am grown/have experienced enough to know just what she's talking about but even from my position ... "rah rah sis boom bah!" to this, okay?

Note: couldn't find a video with just "Not Like Crazy," that song, the one i'm talking 'bout, is over at 4:01 but it's all Jill Scott so just enjoy :]