As I cut my hair, I realize I want to build a new relationship with myself. Put the work and care into myself in order to become who I want to be. To learn discipline and hard work in a new way. And learn how to put these things into practice in relationship to people, to myself. To learn how to take risks, make decisions and deal with the consequences and know that it’s not going to spell the end of the world every time I take a wrong or uncertain turn. To have hope. To make mistakes and pick myself back up from them without hating myself for making them.
And there’s something that I like about looking in the mirror and largely only having my face to look at. It’s a certain recognition that I don’t think I’ve been making for a while now. The only time I really look in the mirror is to make sure a ponytail looks right or I’ve fluffed my locs up enough for them to look full. I haven’t really just looked at me in a while. And that’s probably why people see so many things written on my face and I don’t realize I’m making it so plain. I feel good. I’m sure there are days I’m gonna have a difficult time but I think it’s a start to something healing and constructive.
I never really thought so much about hair and its relationship to my life until I got natural hair—cut the perm out of my hair. It’s another part of myself to face, to reckon with and I appreciate that. But I also realize that it doesn’t make me. When everyone is all “but you had such pretty locs” I’ll still stand firm in my decision because quite simply, it’s my life, it’s my body, it’s my head, my well being, my choice and I have to live with it. I ain’t saying nothing new, but I’m saying it for me.
I’m excited to see what it’s gonna be like once I wash it. I’ll let you know. Over (the stress) and out (of my mind).
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