what wasn't fittin into the box.

i need to add some structure to my life. my structure, not school structure. and i use structure loosely. Ithinkitwouldinvolveanewhairregimenandwakingupearlytowriteinajournaleverydayanddiversifyingthatwritingandsunrisewatchingandandandmeetinganewpersonerrycouple of days and memorizing poems and compiling poems and editing poemsand finding somegrownupworkshopstogotoinPhillyandfindingdifferentpartsofPhillythissummerand doing thingsi’ve never done now that I’m 21 but alsonowthati’mtiredofonlyknowingwhatidoknowandwantingtolearnsomethingnew

so this means learning something that I’ve been saying I wanted to learn for a WHILE and learning it and carrying it with me and saddling it up tight with the rest of my tools to keep my sanity during the schoo year

structure means making my life my own.

Not what I think I should be doing, but what I actually want to do because it matters in some way, shape or form (love putting those three together, it always happens in conversation, hear so many people say it that way ANYWHO)

Structure means less daydreams that keep me from getting out of bed and more sunshine and morealternatives to the happinessthatsunshine breeds when it’s raining and more creating and more sharing and more believing that people WILL give a damn about what I’m creating and more boldness. Ooo I like my boldness. That’s that flavor. Uh huh. And ur ruh uhm. More ME. Like the one that I be keeping all bottled up and stuff cause I don’t that we’re all ready and willing to stay, feel me?

So structure means foundation to withstand the crazy.

And it means my shed-du-el. Mmhm. And it means knowing when to turn my bs off and do what I need to do and knowing when it ain’t bs but a real problem I need to get to the root to and then um, pull up the root? Iono. How you deal with the root of the problem?

ANYWHO. Structure means… I have a little bit more control about what I allow myself to give a damn… about having control over. And it means letting go… of fears about what won’t work out and what will and how far along I should be and ain’t and what I’m doing wrong that they have and I ain’t got. Feel me? Cause I got. Just gotta focus more on what I got and use it for the greater good, of my spirit.

Yes, yes y’all. Structure’s in for the summer.  oh and more tryin. infinite more tryin, the things i actually wanna try.. none of that destructive stuff. yeah, none of that. i wanna smile more. 

 and random thought about a conversation i had a little while ago... if i need to be miserable or lonely, somehow unhappy or lacking and empty perpetually in order to be a good writer... WELL, sorry folks, i choose happiness. i actually don't buy the theory that writers need to have this looming and insurmountable pain and emptiness to be artists. i actually think that's an excuse not to seek better. there will always be questions. there will always be things that hurt regardless of how good things may go. i'm not fittin to wallow in the hurt, in the past, in the familiar, in the what i know i can't change or in the complexity of knowing what i can and not. *shakes head no no no nononnonononnononno with great fervor*

love me a little too much for that.

ooh ooh. good ending. i <3 me. haha. and as much as it throws me off balance and peace of mind sometimes, i'm glad i'm not too simple, that i'm searching, that i'm a lil crazy (or admit that it's not all peaches and keen cream all the time) whatever you wanna call it. i'm glad to be me. and excited about the work i'll be doing on that me, however i see fit and knowing that everything is gonna be alright, knowing that deep in my chest like a secret written in a clenched fist. or in clearer and less random language, i can feel it in my heart.  yes.

 :]