Thursday, August 26, 2010


i have been MIA for a couple weeks because of a lack of internet connection. solved. now. i believe.
i don't even know where to start.

i think i'll start with this.

my new pank bookbag :) now, i don't know if you know but i don't usually mess with pink like that. but there was just something about this one, i just liked the way the color felt in my eye.

and on that note, school is approaching. i'll be in New York this time next week & starting classes that next Tuesday. ain't that some ish? this summer can be summed up by the, what i think is a, migraine i have right now. it's a more subjective & private type of event i'm experiencing and unless you're me (or you've caught me holding both hands to my head going "owwie") you wouldn't even know that it's happening.

i didn't have a job this summer. no internship. no volunteering. no saving the world. BUT i have been doing a whole lot of saving myself. That might have to stay a little nebulous. Suffice it to say...

well damn. i left school unfinished with spring semester in more ways than one. and this is because i spent most of the semester struggling with focus & attention problems, loneliness & questioning myself. in fact, all of this started around spring semester of freshman year and i'm still wrapping up figuring out what it's all about. a lot of it is centered around me being entirely too hard on myself & knowing better but doing it anyway because it's all i know & because it keeps me from digging deeper. i kinda wish i could say more, but i'm not fitna write pages & pages of explanation online. explanation will come in the form of something else later.

but what i've learned, relationships are work. i know, a novel idea right? but i've always put in the work without knowing i was doing it with friendships & then being confronted with new work i.. well, i'm learning how to build relationships with people in my family. people i've known all my life & am just realizing i don't really know all that well outside of their primary functions to me "mother," "father," "sister," "grandmother," uncle..." it's a trip. it's a process. but i've prayed, i've wanted to be a better "daughter," "granddaughter" and "sister" for a while now. going away to college, i started to realize just how much i close myself off to people, family & friends. how alone i feel but also how alone i make myself. so yeah, that's that. i'm learning. and i'm glad that it feels difficult now, it means something important is happening.

 questioning myself. hrmm. a daily practice. so pervasive bc it's become so normal. sometimes it's good, it allows me to be critical of myself, grow & get past things & even come back to things I thought I was done with. sometimes it's bad, like when i question myself & my ability into submission. i doubt myself for no reason. that's changed. i'm actually pretty tired of doubting myself for the hell of it, in an attempt to hurt me before everybody else does. it's a little  lot ridiculous.

i'm happiest and most successful when i throw myself into things because i trust myself & my desires. even when i don't know what the hell i'm doing or getting myself into or think ahead. i'm gonna take more of the daring approach me in confidence now, this semester, this year and until i have a reason not to.

quick fact: i love me. shit ain't easy! it sounds like a cute thing to say. maybe it even sounds "deep." i don't give a damn what it sounds like really, more how it feels and it feels great. i've been giving myself conditional love for a long time. i've stopped believing in myself when i disappointed myself, when i was less than i hoped. i've questioned whether i really mattered. i've felt uncomfortable with the work i produce and how much it sounds uniquely like me. i'm still trying to understand this. for example, i've yet to memorize a poem bc for the longest time reading what i wrote when i was honest with myself & hearing me in it made me feel hella uncomfortable & vulnerable. i'm committed to exploring this & not letting it keep me from what i feel i am meant to do, from sharing my heart.

mmhm. newsflash. i feel a lil less scared of not being in love. it comes from learning i have more work to do with my family & realizing how much love i have around me. it comes from my friends coming through on time great & surprising me a couple times this summer giving me exactly what i need to keep moving. it comes from realizing i have a lot of (exciting) work ahead of me in figuring out what i want to do as a writer. as an adult. as a person. as Jessica. but what's at the core of it all is being okay with being alone and knowing when to reach out. it comes from deciding to be fearless. anxietyless. it comes from deciding not to settle for less than what i want and knowing and believing with everything i've got that things are gonna be quite alright. be mighty fine in fact. that i've got more than enough for someone to love, that i've got more than enough to give to someone in return. it comes from just being content with where i am in my journey in life. with the present. oh, and from some reading too. and some coming into my own. some "enough" to the past. it comes from a lot of places, lots of little things that matter & uplift little pieces to the point of standing strong & tall.

so, i'll be starting the school year.. with a whole lot of responsibility & accountability (with extracurriculars), whole lot of book learnin' & workin', part time work at the library, fightin for my self & my writing but i'm also gonna enjoy it all. feel blessed for all that's before me & the way i learn lessons & trusting the journey. one step at a time, doing what i can with what i have. this year is actually gonna be the shit, you'll see ;)

and here, lookuh listen to this. i discovered this song (in the last scene of Before Sunset, which was dope as was Before Sunrise) this summer and i loves it. just listen to dem lyrics!

Nina Simone- "Just In Time"

bc i still wants me some love. i'm just no longer crushed by it not already being here. but i'm hopeful :)

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