Because it's mine

I want my afro back.

Now, a good afro can invoke a physical reaction in my body when I see it. Like, I get really excited and sometimes speechless. I be forgettin' that I can have one of my own. I actually really liked the one I had before my mom convinced me to try locs after a couple months of, "You look like a five year old," "It don't look like nothing," "blah blah [insert more negative comments here]" wrapped up in "You're such a beautiful girl but..." And I didn't remember/realize until I cut my locs off that that was the reason for 2 years I had locs. Now, they were beautiful. I don't regret them. But I do regret the impetus from which I started them. I'm really tired of having to hear every couple of days (and at least this is a break from hearing everyday when I came home) about how I need some texture in my hair, I need to curl it, to make it look like something, "Don't worry I'll try to do something to it this weekend," "We'll twist it," and a like 20 minutes ago, "I just saw this hair product in the store that I think [i read:] fix your hair." Now, I'm all for trying different styles.  I will admit that for most of my life I haven't had to put a lot of work into my hair, so I haven't. I did it once a week (at my most frequent) when I used to straighten my hair, and got it done every couple of weeks when I had locs. Aside from greasin it I didn't have a lot to do, so now I will be relearning my hair. When I had my afro I didn't style it because I was happy with it the way it was and didn't see a lot of different style models. Okay. My thing, that my mom (and every one else in the occasional peanut gallery) just doesn't seem to get is that I am happy with my hair the way it is. I am thinking about different styles I want to try. If I want their help, I will ask. Until then, listen to me good when I tell you I am happy with the way my hair grows out of my head.

I'm sure there will be some transition styles and experiments on the road back to my afro and on to a larger and luscious new 'fro for me but that is where I'm headed. I don't wanna hear no lip. I will do the same thing to you I do to other people when they start the talking: tell you I'm fine the way I am, disregard you or find a pleasant way to walk out of the room.

I'm gonna live my life the way I want to live it and you either get on board or ... I don't even know. That's not my concern. I say this because I trust myself. I know I'm not gonna steer me wrong, and if I do, I know that I'll find my way back. I'm not crazy. I take advice when I need and want it. I'm open. I ask questions. I fully engage in conversation and different ideas. But if there's something I want... it's about time I exercise my right to fight and get it.

ooh! ooh! yeaaahhh....

So...

this is my new hair move. and i can't wait. *eeks gladness* i found this picture/haircut (a while ago actually, just been sitting on it) on this blog for natural hair, lecoil.tumblr.com MANY a dope natural hairstyle can be found here for men and women. it's so fun seeing beautiful black people loving their hair in it's natural state. ahh, bliss :) 

Also, I noticed last week that I have a mohawk now. Like, I've kinda known that but, I've just realized it because I've always wanted a mohawk and just never did it and when I first got my haircut I hadn't even realized I was doing this thing I always wanted to do. I have a tendency to do good things for me and not even realize I'm doing them-- that's how I got through like the first 12-13 or so years of school too, and then I started (unwittingly) putting pressure on myself and it's been confusing ever since. So, I'm thankin' I'm gonna just default myself back to just doing things because I want to and have the ability to and stop trippin' Gosh darnit. Because like... just because I take a few steps forward and other parts in my life doesn't mean I have to start worrying that I'm gonna become deficient in others (or should somehow 'cause that by doubting myself) duh, subconscious :P There are enough problems that arise that I don't have control of, that I don't need to start creating obstacles for myself by doubting or being unfairly disappointed in me. 

But BACK to the HAIR... :) To be clurr, I'm referring to the shape of the fro in the first and third pictures going clockwise, and maybe the fourth if I do some stuff to it (but that's not the goal, the important thing is the shape) That lil bump of hair over the forehead is fly! I'ma let the sides grow out a lil more and then get my dimensions on. It's gonna be a fun year for my hair :)!

o my Guhaayyhhh (God, but while somewhat stunned)

 

Hair. Omg. Sometimes, I just wonder what it would look like to see the physical human manifestation of the beauty of some afros (and other natural hairstyles). But nah, mostly afros. It's the ultimate admire/grass is greener/what i can't have fascination- but also just BEAUTY.

the title was a result of me looking at Lenny's hair in this video,"Stillness of Heart."







And, the other man that always comes to mind: Maxwell. Pause, why did this man just get a Grammy a couple days ago? Were they not paying attention to the Urban Hang Suite? or anything else he made? Back to the hair.
 

the hair in motion

 

and i just really like this song. and video.

"know that
you don't need me
(but you do)"



this one too.

So I’m thinking about some things that deem you wisdom-wielding

One of them is having natural hair. Have had this mini conversation about this before, but just in the sense that people expect people with locks to be really intelligent, know a lot about black history and speak in poetry. That’s not what I’m talking about right now. I’m thinking about natural hair as decision. Not as political position but as personal decision and taking a leap. I decided to go natural because I thought it looked cool on a couple people I had seen, I saw through my mother and her red locks it was viable, and because I missed seeing what my hair looked like underneath the relaxer. Personal decision. Yes, black is beautiful. I won’t pretend that it is not layered and varied. Again, this is not my focus. My focus: when people ask me about my hair, how long it was when I cut, who does it and where, what products, is it manageable… It’s about admiration to an extent, and interest but also I feel like it’s a question about choices I’ve made. I don’t see it as a big deal. There are days relaxer seems so far from who I am now… even when I had an afro two years ago. So, back to choices; I feel like I’m being incoherent but, I chose to cut my hair and take it on as things followed because I want to.  I made a choice, one that not many people would’ve been behind or thought would turn out well but I wanted it. I’ve been thinking every once and a while about cutting it. I don’t know if I really will or if I just feel insecure about the maintenance of my locs today. But I know that if I do, it’ll be okay. I’ll get used to changes. I wish I could extend that idea more often into other parts of my life. I’m learning, not to look back too often. I was feeling a little sick until I started to write this (and other things) out. I’m glad, writing fixed me a little. Getting even one answer can be a process, decision making definitely too. One day at a time. And I think my mini-anxiety attack comes from not really appearance but representation. I wonder about what I’m projecting. Am I falling off? (And, I would ask the mirror this before any person.) What does this do to my face? What is my face? Who am I? What’s next? Yes, I’m asking glass. And this has become really long…

Btdubbs. Is it wack that when I Googled "short natural hairstyles" (and Google added "black women" at the end) and I saw this picture of Lauryn Hill, I said to myself, "That's it!?"

Actually, her hair was dope on a regular. Something else I've contemplated, the notion of the "Sweetest Thing." Another subject, for another time. Until then, the beautiful song :]