Jamiroquai cures just about anything. (also, i almost just spelled "cures" with a "q." that's how funky their music is).
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
i might be losing my mind.
1. i've been sleeping, but i don't know if i'm getting restful sleep. it's always abt 7hrs or so, which is plenty for a college student (avg for most people, right?) but it's still hard to get up in the morning. and i have little satchels underneath my eyes when i look in the mirror while brushing my teeth.
1a. i'm assuming it's about the quality of my sleep. i don't quite know what to do with that.
2. since Friday, and even as we speak I've been "smoking" the stems of lollipops my friend brought me back from DR. it calms me. and there's no nicotine or substance to hinder my health involved. i also like to believe it improves the quality of inhale and exhale in my breaths. (yeah, sure)
2a. i may just have an oral fixation.
2b. that sounds more accurate. bc every once and a while when i bring my first two fingers to my lips to pull the stem away, in my dramatic sway of wrist, i feel skin against skin, and that's been uh... lacking from my activity,,,life.
2c. indeed, i am foolish.
2d. and teetering btw childhood tricks & adult fantasy.
2e. i'll be okay.
3. i'm trying to write more. i need to get some journals i'll feel really comfortable with, instead of old ones just lying around. so much of writing is about which pen? which paper? how?
2f. sometimes the fingers touch my chin too. what callous tenderness.
2g. i'm an ambidextrous smoker.
4. i haven't written a poem in 2011 i don't think... wait, that's a lie. i wrote a "nonsense poem," After Gertrude Stein for a poetry seminar. that doesn't really count to me, or does it? at least it was different subject matter than what i'm usually dealing with. i wrote a nonsense poem abt African Americans with Alzheimers. mmhm.
5. i want a rockin' black leather coat that i'll never take off like this kid i saw in the Activities Board at Columbia Town Hall meeting yesterday. i want to never take it off like him, not his coat. i'd want one with a motorcycle collar, or a bomber/aviator jacket, something intentioned/vocational-esque.
6. you know, it's 9:26am and i have reading to do. i should go do that.
7. you know, it won't be the 8 classes that kill me. it'd be the figuring out how to balance/release myself from the intensity of having to be that focused every once and a while. the intensity of being an efficient student and President of an organization. yeah.what hats. but i enjoy them both, but i need diff types of enjoys.
8. i'd decorate my room more. maybe i'll put it on my list of activities to find another cool something to tack up.
9. i like to think my lollipop stem cigarette is just a more cost efficient version of those electric cigarrettes. i just don't need fake orange lights, smoke and pretense. in fact, i know better what i'm doing. pretending. drag on that.
10. i probably won't ever stop being foolish, huh?
11. fun fact: i drank wine from 7pm-12am Saturday, off & on. wine is cute. it just makes my mouth looser, nothing else really. that's fine. just makes for an interesting "drinking socially."
12. so i fell asleep last night in the fetal position, with my lollipop stem cigarette in my sheets, a baby pencil & mechanical pencil in my underwear drawer, a copy of Jean Toomer's Cane by my pillow and two of my three lamplights on. it was supposed to be a nap. i can't remember when it started.
13. do you ever wonder if someone will love you at your mostembarassing awkward offbeat? well, breaking news, i do.
13a. i think i could make it into a Miranda July short story in my current state. i may still be too black for that tho. who knows. that's not really anything to brag abt... or is it? ridiculous/strange enough to be immortalized is pretty good i think.
14. just as i lack a favorite in most things. i don't have a favorite number. but i do have a lot of random thoughts so i don't quite always know where to stop my lips.lists.
15. oh, i was reminded yesterday that it's not my fault i'm not in love. i couldn't really ruin that if i tried, right? esp since i haven't met the person yet. in actual encounter of someone new/destined or some new flash of character/indication from someone i already know. but sometimes i blame myself (without even realizing/engaging with it) for not being in the right place at the right time. as if that's in my control. or isn't this the type of thing philosophers right about?
15a. the golden rule is to focus on yourself. which is to say, what is in your control (as my friend told me yesterday). for, in his words, "Focusing on love is like focusing on stopping global warming. Or world peace." and, i agree.
15b. i went to church this past Sunday and the pastor talked about Meditating on the Word of God and part of that as revisiting familiar scripture and allowing yourself to get something new from it, to not be looking for 800 new revelations as proof of being on the right track. I really hope this doesn't sound blasphemous, but i think i need to meditate on me... but by acting. not by thinking. i think too much already. just move, and allow myself to move in different ways. i'll probably make some mistakes, but that's okay. as long as i'm not thinking myself into oblivion, cause ain't no coming back (whole) from oblivion, y'all.
16. *takes one last, short, sweet drag from the lollipop stem cigarette.* *prepares to do reading for skool*
1a. i'm assuming it's about the quality of my sleep. i don't quite know what to do with that.
2. since Friday, and even as we speak I've been "smoking" the stems of lollipops my friend brought me back from DR. it calms me. and there's no nicotine or substance to hinder my health involved. i also like to believe it improves the quality of inhale and exhale in my breaths. (yeah, sure)
2a. i may just have an oral fixation.
2b. that sounds more accurate. bc every once and a while when i bring my first two fingers to my lips to pull the stem away, in my dramatic sway of wrist, i feel skin against skin, and that's been uh... lacking from my activity,,,life.
2c. indeed, i am foolish.
2d. and teetering btw childhood tricks & adult fantasy.
2e. i'll be okay.
3. i'm trying to write more. i need to get some journals i'll feel really comfortable with, instead of old ones just lying around. so much of writing is about which pen? which paper? how?
2f. sometimes the fingers touch my chin too. what callous tenderness.
2g. i'm an ambidextrous smoker.
4. i haven't written a poem in 2011 i don't think... wait, that's a lie. i wrote a "nonsense poem," After Gertrude Stein for a poetry seminar. that doesn't really count to me, or does it? at least it was different subject matter than what i'm usually dealing with. i wrote a nonsense poem abt African Americans with Alzheimers. mmhm.
5. i want a rockin' black leather coat that i'll never take off like this kid i saw in the Activities Board at Columbia Town Hall meeting yesterday. i want to never take it off like him, not his coat. i'd want one with a motorcycle collar, or a bomber/aviator jacket, something intentioned/vocational-esque.
6. you know, it's 9:26am and i have reading to do. i should go do that.
7. you know, it won't be the 8 classes that kill me. it'd be the figuring out how to balance/release myself from the intensity of having to be that focused every once and a while. the intensity of being an efficient student and President of an organization. yeah.what hats. but i enjoy them both, but i need diff types of enjoys.
8. i'd decorate my room more. maybe i'll put it on my list of activities to find another cool something to tack up.
9. i like to think my lollipop stem cigarette is just a more cost efficient version of those electric cigarrettes. i just don't need fake orange lights, smoke and pretense. in fact, i know better what i'm doing. pretending. drag on that.
10. i probably won't ever stop being foolish, huh?
11. fun fact: i drank wine from 7pm-12am Saturday, off & on. wine is cute. it just makes my mouth looser, nothing else really. that's fine. just makes for an interesting "drinking socially."
12. so i fell asleep last night in the fetal position, with my lollipop stem cigarette in my sheets, a baby pencil & mechanical pencil in my underwear drawer, a copy of Jean Toomer's Cane by my pillow and two of my three lamplights on. it was supposed to be a nap. i can't remember when it started.
13. do you ever wonder if someone will love you at your most
13a. i think i could make it into a Miranda July short story in my current state. i may still be too black for that tho. who knows. that's not really anything to brag abt... or is it? ridiculous/strange enough to be immortalized is pretty good i think.
14. just as i lack a favorite in most things. i don't have a favorite number. but i do have a lot of random thoughts so i don't quite always know where to stop my lips.lists.
15. oh, i was reminded yesterday that it's not my fault i'm not in love. i couldn't really ruin that if i tried, right? esp since i haven't met the person yet. in actual encounter of someone new/destined or some new flash of character/indication from someone i already know. but sometimes i blame myself (without even realizing/engaging with it) for not being in the right place at the right time. as if that's in my control. or isn't this the type of thing philosophers right about?
15a. the golden rule is to focus on yourself. which is to say, what is in your control (as my friend told me yesterday). for, in his words, "Focusing on love is like focusing on stopping global warming. Or world peace." and, i agree.
15b. i went to church this past Sunday and the pastor talked about Meditating on the Word of God and part of that as revisiting familiar scripture and allowing yourself to get something new from it, to not be looking for 800 new revelations as proof of being on the right track. I really hope this doesn't sound blasphemous, but i think i need to meditate on me... but by acting. not by thinking. i think too much already. just move, and allow myself to move in different ways. i'll probably make some mistakes, but that's okay. as long as i'm not thinking myself into oblivion, cause ain't no coming back (whole) from oblivion, y'all.
16. *takes one last, short, sweet drag from the lollipop stem cigarette.* *prepares to do reading for skool*
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Friday, January 7, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
lessons in 2011: what's bringing me & Archimedes closer
the Eureka! moment
the two major themes in the past week,
1. what is about me
2. what's not about me
... and how to proceed accordingly.
1. what is about me: how to find understanding within my feelings & my motivations behind the things, events, people etc that I focus my attention on.
2. what's not about me: dispersing information that could be helpful to others, regardless of potential embarrassment, misunderstanding etc
the importance in this distinction is the outcome, and learning how to be comfortable with it. whereas #1 means i'm responsible for getting through and finding, #2 says stop tripping and do what's necessary. yes, i am being vague... or maybe not at all.
oo oo ooooo
another thing.
+1. i've realized another important distinction for me is the difference between wanting someone and liking someone. they are not the same thing for me.
liking someone usually means liking things about them, and maybe even liking them a lot.
wanting someone means you just gotta have them/ be near them/ get closer even if irrational
i'm simplifying. but yes,
it is dangerous to conflate the two. and there comes a point in feeling where i have to go, "hey, what is this really all about? what do i really want? bc i like string cheese but i don't need it."
is it wrong that i'm likening a person to string cheese? maybe. but it was the quickest thing i had.
and i even just introduced a new word: need.
*lowers glasses to the bridge of nose, looks over the rim, purses lip*
the way i hear people describe being in love, "need" and "want" become the same thing.
i wouldn't know.
i'm finally okay with that. being alone, and viewing myself through the lens of being alone, having "alone" be a major part of my identity is taxing. i want to stop feeling so powerless because of it, because that's all... negative, you know? it's complicated. but i feel like i'm reaching a point where i've achieved patience. i'm content with not sharing my life with someone. yes, i am only 21 but sharing a connection that feels right with someone... i don't want to wait forever for that, but i'm willing to wait :)
tangent. admission. go.
i spent a portion of this year ready to do my version of settling and using a lot of the word "just" and i'm not about "just-ing" anything. i know what i want. sometimes it feels weird standing firm in that whenever everyone else doesn't seem committed to it, but since when has doing what everyone else is doing been an important thing for me? only when i'm worried i'm being too brave or different or i can't think of hearing an experience like mine before. that's not reason enough to stop being principled. what is for me, is for me. and i'm cool with that. in the meantime, i'll be working on focusing through other things that are going well for me and those things that i'd like to achieve.
hard work, constant introspection, thought- & feeling-digging rewarded.
i don't claim to have the answers to the universe, just some things i've been hoping to understand. and,
that makes me a quiet kind of happy :)
Thursday, December 30, 2010
it's comin!
Do you know what *tomorrow* is?
It's our anniversaaarryyyy
:) baby you and me.
So, i started this blog on New Year's Eve and it will be a year tomorrow. I can't wait to read over all the old posts. I'll be doing that tomorrow. and in toasting to the New Year, I'll also be toasting to you :)
... and i love you in a special way! ... i remember the first day!
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