Somewhere between an extreme case of the normal human dislike of rejection or misunderstanding and my in ability to separate the writer/desirer of creating alternate realities and imagining how to explain what is and isn't there I've been malfunctioning between the thinking and acting parts of the body/my person. between the what i'd like to say and actually saying it. of liking the idea of starting and actually doing it. of realizing i only have one life but when the time comes to put this into practice, wanting the room to do nothing, which is to say, "Please God, give me a next time (and give me an experience to work up the courage in the meantime, please)." A big part of it is me lacking on my "being my own best friend," such that I keep myself from being so apocalyptic, which is to say, stopping myself from thinking every time I don't know how to make things happen the way I'd like or start on a good footing (in my eyes) it's the end of the world. I would tell anyone else that's ridiculous but I wrap myself in it. And I want to learn how to untangle myself. So, I'm going to.. start with remembering that no bad can come from me being true to myself and being the best me I can be wherever, and giving myself room to whatever. Remembering that, duh, I'm not perfect, and not particularly interested in being that. And that most doors close so I can pay attention to the others opening. And all this good self-love stuff :) I'm conflating a lot of habits I have right now, and in the interest of being buck naked and giving others room to do the same...
I'm thinking about how:
1) It's taken me so long to be alright with the fact that whether or not I'm saying something profound to add to a discussion, what I have to say does matter.
2) The quickest way to turn me into a punk: have me to try to start something with an interesting stranger. Because I have a tendency to find people beautiful and not know whether I'd do too much, so I do too little. (and by people, I'm largely saying guys that snatch something up in me somehow) But I'm thankin, I should start trying the "too much," 'cause chances are, it's just enough. Just like when you think you may be overacting and you're really just taking the character to just where they need to be.
3) You know how Derek Zoolander can't turn left? Well, I have a problem turning toward what I really wanna look at, in the beginning, until I know or at least start to feel it's safe, which is to say so and so may give a damn about me.
4) And not knowing whether I'll do well with something I have relatively little to no experience in can send me into fits of trying to predict/daydream too many scenarios and outcomes to just prepare myself for whatever wrong or disappointment or how I can possibly be good enough for it to go well.
And gosh darnit, I don't know when I got so guarded but I'm working on it. And it's a constant effort.
I've been told,
I need to learn how to live in the present,
and I agree.
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