list.

1. my afro makes me happy. i can make it what i want, whenever i want. and i usually want what it wants, so we're winning together. mmhm.
2. creating things. i wonder if that's why i've heard some poets calling each other gods. i've always found it blasphemous as all get out, but if that's where it's coming from, i'll concede a little. also, in the sense that i'm not doing any of this alone, if my steps are ordered (and i do believe this) i'm being led to what i need to say and God and footprints in the sand and uhm yeah.
3. last night, i took a Jamiroquai song--- I believe it was "Everyday" and I just listened to the instruments and Jay Kay's voice disappeared for periods of time (though i do enjoy it) and i chose one at a time to hear and then sometimes the others would fight for space in my ears too, and it just felt really good. and then i did it with "Music of the Wind" but I started to get so relaxed I was gone from the sounds too and somewhere else entirely, some empty space where my thoughts were air-colored but not air important.
4. listening to instrumental music now, and it's slowing my heart down, in a good way, so i feel what feels like the core of it. i love those days. so simple, but they make me feel like my day is happening just like it's supposed to. and my ears open wider and i'm only thinking one thing at a time, and some time that thought is that i want to be able to do that too.
5. sometimes, words are too much. they're too much like all the layering that's already happening that's not art- just nuisance in my head and i want sounds. or different phrasings. and levels. and i wanna feel it out and not think it out.
6. but i take it, i like it, when words are not my own maybe and sometimes they just blink across the frontal cortex (? shoot, let's just say the inside of my forehead) and they line up for me and i write them, without feeling full to the brim. just feeling like there's space, and these are walking down an isle from the subconscious to the conscious.
7. i wonder what people wonder about me, because i'm never really thinking that they're wondering anything. but i've been told and shown recently that i'm wrong if i assume im not on anyone's mind. 'cause apparently, more people wanted me to say "hi" to them in high school? accordin to a conversation i had with someone last week about how many girls came up to her and said, "Why is she like that?" Idk. If I seem bitchy, it's just because I've mastered the art of minding my business and I never consider the idea that people are interested in me or want to get to know me better. But I guess this is flickded because clearly I feel that way about certain people. I don't know, I just try to keep my life drama-free, and it's easier to do that with less people in it. And sometimes that involves, less "Hey giiiiirrrrlllllll" in the streets, especially since I don't usually talk like that anyway. My concern, interest, recognition doesn't really look like the average person's, because I'm careful with it.
8. And being cerebral has it's consequences. Like, I meet more thoughts than people. And if both are surrounding me, I choose the former. Not always healthy.
9. I wanna do things that make me smile more.
Someone told me yesterday that I always look content with life, like it could be just a little bit better but that she'd like to see me leap for joy.
And I said, me too! And meant it.
I'm on that mission this summer.
10. And I don't quite know how to be on that mission and also incorporate having a job to pay for my exploits and randomosity.
11. I'll work it out though. I'm stamping out worry from my energy exertion.
12. I wouldn't cut my hair low enough or grow it long enough, straighten or curl it enough for anyone right now. But, I would learn more and enough of an art to pull you into me because that's what I want. Or hell, pull me into me. I'm still meeting me too. And, I find the closer I get to me, the more I love.
13. Is there a place where emptiness is fleeting, and if not,
freeing and where I can store all my crazy to pick up pieces of and write from every once and a necessary?
14. I want to go there.