another one of these Saturday nights.

1. i'm tired of crying.
2. i'm tired of the things that make me cry.
3. but at least when i let myself feel i learn something.
4. what i've learned tonight, is that my heart has been broken a lot.
5. a LOT.
6. and i ignore it, because it seems like there's no other way to get through life. who has time to be heartbroken?
7. i was going to list off all the other things i have to deal with to illustrate how much i don't have time to be heartbroken but then i backspaced bc it's not important.
8. well, it is important. all of it is important. that's the point. being heartbroken is also important. there are cracks in my walls. and my shit is gonna come crumbling down if i don't pay attention and break it down brick by brick, piece by piece.
9. my heart has been broken a lot. i imagine heartbreak looks different for different people. but i know mine, what it takes to break my heart... it's been broken a lot. by boys, by friends, by family, by ppl still in my life.
10. problem is, i usually remedy this with distance. i don't know if distance is the answer. i don't know the answer. but i imagine the first step is recognizing that i feel pain and it doesn't have to look like everyone else's to be real.
11. i won't be able to love the way i want to love until i get through this.
12. i had planned to be in the library tonight, working on a paper draft i have due Monday morning. i still don't know what i'm gonna write about besides Black women & the arts. sound real specific don't it?
13. anywho, i'm spent. and CLEARLY, that's not happening tonight.
14. i imagine sleep is an option... i'd like to just go to sleep. but i'm pretty sure what i'm supposed to do with this moment is write. so i'll write.
15. so i don't forget.
16. also, decide on what i'm going to focus on and not look back. goodnight.

"your kiss is on my list of the best things in liiiiiffe"

i'll take eighties music & clothing just abt anyday, but maybe we can leave that mustache & that hair there. haha.
*back to shoulder shimmying & head bobbing*

enjoyin' it!

ba, ba ba ba, ba ba ba, ba ba baaaa

confessions of my triflin side: an effort at accountability

1. i haven't touched my guitar in weeks.
2. i am so inconsistent. one week i practice for at least 20-30min a day, even if at 2am before going to bed.
2. other weeks, not so much.
3. i want to change this.
4. ... eek. i've never even learned a song.
5. i never quite got past chord progression from Em to C, from C to D for "Stand By Me" when my friend showed me at the beginning of the semester.
6. for all the talk i've done about wanting a guitar and learning how to play, smh. i need to get it together and be dedicated.
7. i ALSO need to structure my time to fit in learning how to play my guitar and writing. and writing needs lots of time cause i'm talking journaling, nonfiction stories, poems, adapting poems to performances, submitting pieces, writing lists of what i really want, planning to travel, stuff man.
8. but yo, i been tellin ppl check me out on the guitar in 2011 and 2011 is coming close.
9. i've always wanted to write songs. i've always wanted to learn how to play an instrument, the guitar, just for me at the least.
10. i get the strong feeling that me finally gettin my guitar and not playing it consistently, is like finding the love of my life and leaving him next to the lamp behind my bed, in front of my window... where i keep my guitar.
11. 'cause you know, practicing what you love is important. being grateful for opportunity is important. so. goals.
12. action steps.
a. i wanna learn how to do a couple dexterity exercises with ease.
b. that first chord progression shown to me i mentioned.
c. practice everyday. i'll give myself one day i'm allowed to forget just for shits and giggles but really i want to practice everyday. so maybe that day won't be for shits and giggles, it'll be for if i have a whole lot to do and picking up my guitar would really really distract me and throw me off focus into oblivion. mmkay ;)
d. i want to be learning how to play songs by winter break. um, like. with more comfort and confidence.
13. you know, i don't really know what realistic goals are for this process, but i will just say, i would like to dedicate time to getting better with you. okay? okay. thank you for being there for me.

i'm completely aware that i'm ridiculous. 

i SO enjoy randomly finding new (to me) artists :)

came up in a Feist mix.

I also like "I'd Rather Dance With You" :)

so, apparently Bjork has access to my diary.