so, it's that time of year again

when I start to miss Columbia... ew. Haha. I wonder if I would ever miss school if it wasn't in New York. But, as I discussed with a friend briefly yesterday, the pull of school is that it feels like real life. All the relaxation of summer feels like a break from my life. and I'm grateful for it... but New York is where I'm gonna be making good on some big promises I'm making to myself. Definitely, there are goals I have and am fulfilling for the summer, they're just smaller and a lot of that is preparing myself for the fast-pacedness of busy-ness of next year. It's gonna be intense, but I'm gonna come out alive and very well so I'm looking forward to getting to it. Some fears conquered and whatnot, and I suspect I'll be learning more about myself and what I'm capable of. My housing will ease the pain tho I'm sure, big room, two person suite, kitchen, living room and bathroom *suuuhhh-weet!*

That might've been a little vague, but yeah. Anywho, look at this (this song was stuck in my head last Friday, I believe)

ooh! ooh! yeaaahhh....

So...

this is my new hair move. and i can't wait. *eeks gladness* i found this picture/haircut (a while ago actually, just been sitting on it) on this blog for natural hair, lecoil.tumblr.com MANY a dope natural hairstyle can be found here for men and women. it's so fun seeing beautiful black people loving their hair in it's natural state. ahh, bliss :) 

Also, I noticed last week that I have a mohawk now. Like, I've kinda known that but, I've just realized it because I've always wanted a mohawk and just never did it and when I first got my haircut I hadn't even realized I was doing this thing I always wanted to do. I have a tendency to do good things for me and not even realize I'm doing them-- that's how I got through like the first 12-13 or so years of school too, and then I started (unwittingly) putting pressure on myself and it's been confusing ever since. So, I'm thankin' I'm gonna just default myself back to just doing things because I want to and have the ability to and stop trippin' Gosh darnit. Because like... just because I take a few steps forward and other parts in my life doesn't mean I have to start worrying that I'm gonna become deficient in others (or should somehow 'cause that by doubting myself) duh, subconscious :P There are enough problems that arise that I don't have control of, that I don't need to start creating obstacles for myself by doubting or being unfairly disappointed in me. 

But BACK to the HAIR... :) To be clurr, I'm referring to the shape of the fro in the first and third pictures going clockwise, and maybe the fourth if I do some stuff to it (but that's not the goal, the important thing is the shape) That lil bump of hair over the forehead is fly! I'ma let the sides grow out a lil more and then get my dimensions on. It's gonna be a fun year for my hair :)!

so these lyrics are not a game

You must think life goes on forever 

the way you bide your time

the way you talk too much 

the way you stop trying

You believe life goes on forever

the way the sun sets

the way you feed the fear

the way you regress

Life after life goes on until it bores you to a death

even more frightening than being alive

You pretend life goes on forever & a day wasting away 

You must think like goes on forever

the way you let it slip away

the way you hide the way you feel

the way you don't feel what you say

Life after life goes on down the road you've walked before

catering to the complacent habit forming insecure

May the circle be unbroken

by and by Lord

by and by

You must think life goes on forever

the way you stay the very same

Life forever pass it on won't you tell your friends

to keep running to the future

while running from the end

the end

i'm trying not to be angry

at the world, for not knowing about Street Faerie/Cree Summer singing earlier. I just found out randomly about "Mean Sleep" from this blog (which I totally recommend following), last week. But I had to post this song, these lyrics are everything. And, if I wasn't starting to get a headache from staying up too late I'd say more. I got some research to do. Just engage:

so i can't get this song out of my head

"Oxford Comma," by Vampire Weekend; which is wild to me because I just started listening to their music this week and they performed at my school for I think our orientation concert or Bacchanal a couple years ago (probably because they went to Columbia) and I wasn't even pressed. But, that's also because I didn't know who they were and was oh dee confounded about Clipse performing afterwards (ppl were all too comfortable making gun shot noises at that concert, but I still had fun). Anywho, maybe posting it here will release me



and I also really like this video,


now, that's just fun.

 and this song kinda,



this is actually hilarious, considering i'm sure they were a part of the Columbia i know nothing about. but maybe that's a part of the allure, the unknown... oooh aaahhh. *shrugs* i just like the way it sounds. and anyway, i need something to temper the "soulful" edge that everyone attributes to me. i think it does a good job i mean according to the guy that created "Stuff White People Like" they are the whitest band out right now. but that's a whole 'nother discussion. for now i'm just enjoying the drums, guitar & this guy's weird little voice & fun/catchy lyrics until/if I come across a reason not to.

on second thought

so, i'm ruminating over the post below and i realize i'm better than that. even though i think it's largely true that you can't assume that people care about you, i think it might be dangerous to assume they don't as well. and no courage comes from assuming all people suck. no growth either. i have had lack of faith in people pretty much down pat most of my life. and tho i think what i said is logical, it does operate from a place of hurt and distrust deep down somewhere. i want to move on to something different. something more light-wielding. why not take the risk?

Note: this is abt  interpersonal relations, not walking down a dark alley at night & the like. mmhm.
Note #2: i'd still appreciate an answer to the questions in the previous post just to know how other people work.

open for discussion.

so i revealed to my mom one of my core ideas about people tonight. i know it's flawed/negative/whatchamakallit but whatever, here it goes

i don't expect people to give a damn about me.

let me clarify.


this does not mean that i assume people will not like me before they meet me. (and, it clearly doesn't mean i assume they will like me.) it means that i expect people to be indifferent, unless there's that occasional exception where they may like something i'm wearing or i'm smiling brightly that day or maybe they caught me doing something interesting. otherwise, why would they not be indifferent?


now, i know part of interactions with people is about attitude. which is to say, some people may look at the statement in bold up there and say, "well, if you go into relationships with people like that you're bound to color it with that sentiment blah blah" mmhm. maybe, that's true. but then again, when i actually meet and start talking to people i'm not usually indifferent to them. i talk to them, and actually try to get to know something real about them if i can/they allow me to fit it in. but not everyone is like this. what i'm saying is... as many of us are there are walking around, how can i expect everyone to care? slow down. there are so many people in this world and only some of them are gonna mean something to some of us, and this is usually for very particular reasons.


so, i don't think i'm doom & gloom. i think i'm being realistic.


however, assuming that people don't give a damn could hamper if/how i approach people. that is the only time  i'll try to put this type of thinking on the backburner. but this is also when fierce be-yourself-no-matter-whatness stands up. and as long as the real-alive me is on deck, i'm ready to stick to my philosophy. 


i say all of this to say, 
if you read this i would really appreciate a response on this one post (you can even keep your name secret)


what do you assume in first interactions with people or just in general in relations to how others take you in? why? what's your equivalent to what i'm talking about?


i'm just really curious to see how others see this. because i don't really see it any other way.