I want to listen to more of their music. That is all.
P.S. The 90s were ultra fly. I'm just sayin'
Friday, August 27, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
so.
i have been MIA for a couple weeks because of a lack of internet connection. solved. now. i believe.
i don't even know where to start.
i think i'll start with this.
my new pank bookbag :) now, i don't know if you know but i don't usually mess with pink like that. but there was just something about this one, i just liked the way the color felt in my eye.
and on that note, school is approaching. i'll be in New York this time next week & starting classes that next Tuesday. ain't that some ish? this summer can be summed up by the, what i think is a, migraine i have right now. it's a more subjective & private type of event i'm experiencing and unless you're me (or you've caught me holding both hands to my head going "owwie") you wouldn't even know that it's happening.
i didn't have a job this summer. no internship. no volunteering. no saving the world. BUT i have been doing a whole lot of saving myself. That might have to stay a little nebulous. Suffice it to say...
well damn. i left school unfinished with spring semester in more ways than one. and this is because i spent most of the semester struggling with focus & attention problems, loneliness & questioning myself. in fact, all of this started around spring semester of freshman year and i'm still wrapping up figuring out what it's all about. a lot of it is centered around me being entirely too hard on myself & knowing better but doing it anyway because it's all i know & because it keeps me from digging deeper. i kinda wish i could say more, but i'm not fitna write pages & pages of explanation online. explanation will come in the form of something else later.
but what i've learned, relationships are work. i know, a novel idea right? but i've always put in the work without knowing i was doing it with friendships & then being confronted with new work i.. well, i'm learning how to build relationships with people in my family. people i've known all my life & am just realizing i don't really know all that well outside of their primary functions to me "mother," "father," "sister," "grandmother," uncle..." it's a trip. it's a process. but i've prayed, i've wanted to be a better "daughter," "granddaughter" and "sister" for a while now. going away to college, i started to realize just how much i close myself off to people, family & friends. how alone i feel but also how alone i make myself. so yeah, that's that. i'm learning. and i'm glad that it feels difficult now, it means something important is happening.
questioning myself. hrmm. a daily practice. so pervasive bc it's become so normal. sometimes it's good, it allows me to be critical of myself, grow & get past things & even come back to things I thought I was done with. sometimes it's bad, like when i question myself & my ability into submission. i doubt myself for no reason. that's changed. i'm actually pretty tired of doubting myself for the hell of it, in an attempt to hurt me before everybody else does. it's alittle lot ridiculous.
i'm happiest and most successful when i throw myself into things because i trust myself & my desires. even when i don't know what the hell i'm doing or getting myself into or think ahead. i'm gonna take more of the daring approach me in confidence now, this semester, this year and until i have a reason not to.
quick fact: i love me. shit ain't easy! it sounds like a cute thing to say. maybe it even sounds "deep." i don't give a damn what it sounds like really, more how it feels and it feels great. i've been giving myself conditional love for a long time. i've stopped believing in myself when i disappointed myself, when i was less than i hoped. i've questioned whether i really mattered. i've felt uncomfortable with the work i produce and how much it sounds uniquely like me. i'm still trying to understand this. for example, i've yet to memorize a poem bc for the longest time reading what i wrote when i was honest with myself & hearing me in it made me feel hella uncomfortable & vulnerable. i'm committed to exploring this & not letting it keep me from what i feel i am meant to do, from sharing my heart.
mmhm. newsflash. i feel a lil less scared of not being in love. it comes from learning i have more work to do with my family & realizing how much love i have around me. it comes from my friends coming through on time great & surprising me a couple times this summer giving me exactly what i need to keep moving. it comes from realizing i have a lot of (exciting) work ahead of me in figuring out what i want to do as a writer. as an adult. as a person. as Jessica. but what's at the core of it all is being okay with being alone and knowing when to reach out. it comes from deciding to be fearless. anxietyless. it comes from deciding not to settle for less than what i want and knowing and believing with everything i've got that things are gonna be quite alright. be mighty fine in fact. that i've got more than enough for someone to love, that i've got more than enough to give to someone in return. it comes from just being content with where i am in my journey in life. with the present. oh, and from some reading too. and some coming into my own. some "enough" to the past. it comes from a lot of places, lots of little things that matter & uplift little pieces to the point of standing strong & tall.
so, i'll be starting the school year.. with a whole lot of responsibility & accountability (with extracurriculars), whole lot of book learnin' & workin', part time work at the library, fightin for my self & my writing but i'm also gonna enjoy it all. feel blessed for all that's before me & the way i learn lessons & trusting the journey. one step at a time, doing what i can with what i have. this year is actually gonna be the shit, you'll see ;)
and here, lookuh listen to this. i discovered this song (in the last scene of Before Sunset, which was dope as was Before Sunrise) this summer and i loves it. just listen to dem lyrics!
Nina Simone- "Just In Time"
bc i still wants me some love. i'm just no longer crushed by it not already being here. but i'm hopeful :)
i don't even know where to start.
i think i'll start with this.
my new pank bookbag :) now, i don't know if you know but i don't usually mess with pink like that. but there was just something about this one, i just liked the way the color felt in my eye.
and on that note, school is approaching. i'll be in New York this time next week & starting classes that next Tuesday. ain't that some ish? this summer can be summed up by the, what i think is a, migraine i have right now. it's a more subjective & private type of event i'm experiencing and unless you're me (or you've caught me holding both hands to my head going "owwie") you wouldn't even know that it's happening.
i didn't have a job this summer. no internship. no volunteering. no saving the world. BUT i have been doing a whole lot of saving myself. That might have to stay a little nebulous. Suffice it to say...
well damn. i left school unfinished with spring semester in more ways than one. and this is because i spent most of the semester struggling with focus & attention problems, loneliness & questioning myself. in fact, all of this started around spring semester of freshman year and i'm still wrapping up figuring out what it's all about. a lot of it is centered around me being entirely too hard on myself & knowing better but doing it anyway because it's all i know & because it keeps me from digging deeper. i kinda wish i could say more, but i'm not fitna write pages & pages of explanation online. explanation will come in the form of something else later.
but what i've learned, relationships are work. i know, a novel idea right? but i've always put in the work without knowing i was doing it with friendships & then being confronted with new work i.. well, i'm learning how to build relationships with people in my family. people i've known all my life & am just realizing i don't really know all that well outside of their primary functions to me "mother," "father," "sister," "grandmother," uncle..." it's a trip. it's a process. but i've prayed, i've wanted to be a better "daughter," "granddaughter" and "sister" for a while now. going away to college, i started to realize just how much i close myself off to people, family & friends. how alone i feel but also how alone i make myself. so yeah, that's that. i'm learning. and i'm glad that it feels difficult now, it means something important is happening.
questioning myself. hrmm. a daily practice. so pervasive bc it's become so normal. sometimes it's good, it allows me to be critical of myself, grow & get past things & even come back to things I thought I was done with. sometimes it's bad, like when i question myself & my ability into submission. i doubt myself for no reason. that's changed. i'm actually pretty tired of doubting myself for the hell of it, in an attempt to hurt me before everybody else does. it's a
i'm happiest and most successful when i throw myself into things because i trust myself & my desires. even when i don't know what the hell i'm doing or getting myself into or think ahead. i'm gonna take more of the daring approach me in confidence now, this semester, this year and until i have a reason not to.
quick fact: i love me. shit ain't easy! it sounds like a cute thing to say. maybe it even sounds "deep." i don't give a damn what it sounds like really, more how it feels and it feels great. i've been giving myself conditional love for a long time. i've stopped believing in myself when i disappointed myself, when i was less than i hoped. i've questioned whether i really mattered. i've felt uncomfortable with the work i produce and how much it sounds uniquely like me. i'm still trying to understand this. for example, i've yet to memorize a poem bc for the longest time reading what i wrote when i was honest with myself & hearing me in it made me feel hella uncomfortable & vulnerable. i'm committed to exploring this & not letting it keep me from what i feel i am meant to do, from sharing my heart.
mmhm. newsflash. i feel a lil less scared of not being in love. it comes from learning i have more work to do with my family & realizing how much love i have around me. it comes from my friends coming through on time great & surprising me a couple times this summer giving me exactly what i need to keep moving. it comes from realizing i have a lot of (exciting) work ahead of me in figuring out what i want to do as a writer. as an adult. as a person. as Jessica. but what's at the core of it all is being okay with being alone and knowing when to reach out. it comes from deciding to be fearless. anxietyless. it comes from deciding not to settle for less than what i want and knowing and believing with everything i've got that things are gonna be quite alright. be mighty fine in fact. that i've got more than enough for someone to love, that i've got more than enough to give to someone in return. it comes from just being content with where i am in my journey in life. with the present. oh, and from some reading too. and some coming into my own. some "enough" to the past. it comes from a lot of places, lots of little things that matter & uplift little pieces to the point of standing strong & tall.
so, i'll be starting the school year.. with a whole lot of responsibility & accountability (with extracurriculars), whole lot of book learnin' & workin', part time work at the library, fightin for my self & my writing but i'm also gonna enjoy it all. feel blessed for all that's before me & the way i learn lessons & trusting the journey. one step at a time, doing what i can with what i have. this year is actually gonna be the shit, you'll see ;)
and here, lookuh listen to this. i discovered this song (in the last scene of Before Sunset, which was dope as was Before Sunrise) this summer and i loves it. just listen to dem lyrics!
Nina Simone- "Just In Time"
bc i still wants me some love. i'm just no longer crushed by it not already being here. but i'm hopeful :)
Monday, July 26, 2010
"you like to think that you're immune to the stuff"
"the lights are on
but you're not home
your mind
is not your own"
randomly heard this on So You Think You Can Dance a couple weeks ago... wrote the song down in a book and saw that note today. this is the version i first heard
this is the original
i prefer the version i first heard, but i like to know the origins of things. at least with the original i find myself rocking a lil bit. ow. but these lyrics kinda go in.
and then there's a tina turner version. double ow! ow. ow. pow wow hey now.
look at this black woman and her band just uh rockin' out! fire!
i'm sure there are different moods in which you can more appreciate the different versions. well, i think that's true for me. mmhm.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Because it's mine
I want my afro back.
Now, a good afro can invoke a physical reaction in my body when I see it. Like, I get really excited and sometimes speechless. I be forgettin' that I can have one of my own. I actually really liked the one I had before my mom convinced me to try locs after a couple months of, "You look like a five year old," "It don't look like nothing," "blah blah [insert more negative comments here]" wrapped up in "You're such a beautiful girl but..." And I didn't remember/realize until I cut my locs off that that was the reason for 2 years I had locs. Now, they were beautiful. I don't regret them. But I do regret the impetus from which I started them. I'm really tired of having to hear every couple of days (and at least this is a break from hearing everyday when I came home) about how I need some texture in my hair, I need to curl it, to make it look like something, "Don't worry I'll try to do something to it this weekend," "We'll twist it," and a like 20 minutes ago, "I just saw this hair product in the store that I think [i read:] fix your hair." Now, I'm all for trying different styles. I will admit that for most of my life I haven't had to put a lot of work into my hair, so I haven't. I did it once a week (at my most frequent) when I used to straighten my hair, and got it done every couple of weeks when I had locs. Aside from greasin it I didn't have a lot to do, so now I will be relearning my hair. When I had my afro I didn't style it because I was happy with it the way it was and didn't see a lot of different style models. Okay. My thing, that my mom (and every one else in the occasional peanut gallery) just doesn't seem to get is that I am happy with my hair the way it is. I am thinking about different styles I want to try. If I want their help, I will ask. Until then, listen to me good when I tell you I am happy with the way my hair grows out of my head.
I'm sure there will be some transition styles and experiments on the road back to my afro and on to a larger and luscious new 'fro for me but that is where I'm headed. I don't wanna hear no lip. I will do the same thing to you I do to other people when they start the talking: tell you I'm fine the way I am, disregard you or find a pleasant way to walk out of the room.
I'm gonna live my life the way I want to live it and you either get on board or ... I don't even know. That's not my concern. I say this because I trust myself. I know I'm not gonna steer me wrong, and if I do, I know that I'll find my way back. I'm not crazy. I take advice when I need and want it. I'm open. I ask questions. I fully engage in conversation and different ideas. But if there's something I want... it's about time I exercise my right to fight and get it.
Now, a good afro can invoke a physical reaction in my body when I see it. Like, I get really excited and sometimes speechless. I be forgettin' that I can have one of my own. I actually really liked the one I had before my mom convinced me to try locs after a couple months of, "You look like a five year old," "It don't look like nothing," "blah blah [insert more negative comments here]" wrapped up in "You're such a beautiful girl but..." And I didn't remember/realize until I cut my locs off that that was the reason for 2 years I had locs. Now, they were beautiful. I don't regret them. But I do regret the impetus from which I started them. I'm really tired of having to hear every couple of days (and at least this is a break from hearing everyday when I came home) about how I need some texture in my hair, I need to curl it, to make it look like something, "Don't worry I'll try to do something to it this weekend," "We'll twist it," and a like 20 minutes ago, "I just saw this hair product in the store that I think [i read:] fix your hair." Now, I'm all for trying different styles. I will admit that for most of my life I haven't had to put a lot of work into my hair, so I haven't. I did it once a week (at my most frequent) when I used to straighten my hair, and got it done every couple of weeks when I had locs. Aside from greasin it I didn't have a lot to do, so now I will be relearning my hair. When I had my afro I didn't style it because I was happy with it the way it was and didn't see a lot of different style models. Okay. My thing, that my mom (and every one else in the occasional peanut gallery) just doesn't seem to get is that I am happy with my hair the way it is. I am thinking about different styles I want to try. If I want their help, I will ask. Until then, listen to me good when I tell you I am happy with the way my hair grows out of my head.
I'm sure there will be some transition styles and experiments on the road back to my afro and on to a larger and luscious new 'fro for me but that is where I'm headed. I don't wanna hear no lip. I will do the same thing to you I do to other people when they start the talking: tell you I'm fine the way I am, disregard you or find a pleasant way to walk out of the room.
I'm gonna live my life the way I want to live it and you either get on board or ... I don't even know. That's not my concern. I say this because I trust myself. I know I'm not gonna steer me wrong, and if I do, I know that I'll find my way back. I'm not crazy. I take advice when I need and want it. I'm open. I ask questions. I fully engage in conversation and different ideas. But if there's something I want... it's about time I exercise my right to fight and get it.
so, it's that time of year again
when I start to miss Columbia... ew. Haha. I wonder if I would ever miss school if it wasn't in New York. But, as I discussed with a friend briefly yesterday, the pull of school is that it feels like real life. All the relaxation of summer feels like a break from my life. and I'm grateful for it... but New York is where I'm gonna be making good on some big promises I'm making to myself. Definitely, there are goals I have and am fulfilling for the summer, they're just smaller and a lot of that is preparing myself for the fast-pacedness of busy-ness of next year. It's gonna be intense, but I'm gonna come out alive and very well so I'm looking forward to getting to it. Some fears conquered and whatnot, and I suspect I'll be learning more about myself and what I'm capable of. My housing will ease the pain tho I'm sure, big room, two person suite, kitchen, living room and bathroom *suuuhhh-weet!*
That might've been a little vague, but yeah. Anywho, look at this (this song was stuck in my head last Friday, I believe)
That might've been a little vague, but yeah. Anywho, look at this (this song was stuck in my head last Friday, I believe)
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
ooh! ooh! yeaaahhh....
So...
this is my new hair move. and i can't wait. *eeks gladness* i found this picture/haircut (a while ago actually, just been sitting on it) on this blog for natural hair, lecoil.tumblr.com MANY a dope natural hairstyle can be found here for men and women. it's so fun seeing beautiful black people loving their hair in it's natural state. ahh, bliss :)
Also, I noticed last week that I have a mohawk now. Like, I've kinda known that but, I've just realized it because I've always wanted a mohawk and just never did it and when I first got my haircut I hadn't even realized I was doing this thing I always wanted to do. I have a tendency to do good things for me and not even realize I'm doing them-- that's how I got through like the first 12-13 or so years of school too, and then I started (unwittingly) putting pressure on myself and it's been confusing ever since. So, I'm thankin' I'm gonna just default myself back to just doing things because I want to and have the ability to and stop trippin' Gosh darnit. Because like... just because I take a few steps forward and other parts in my life doesn't mean I have to start worrying that I'm gonna become deficient in others (or should somehow 'cause that by doubting myself) duh, subconscious :P There are enough problems that arise that I don't have control of, that I don't need to start creating obstacles for myself by doubting or being unfairly disappointed in me.
But BACK to the HAIR... :) To be clurr, I'm referring to the shape of the fro in the first and third pictures going clockwise, and maybe the fourth if I do some stuff to it (but that's not the goal, the important thing is the shape) That lil bump of hair over the forehead is fly! I'ma let the sides grow out a lil more and then get my dimensions on. It's gonna be a fun year for my hair :)!
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