fly.

just so you know, i love the bald white man with the black shirt and glasses. that rock in his body. just bumpin. is everything.

quick update.

1. it may be triflin, but after this one party i went to last Saturday, i've been doing "the Dougie" to almost every song i hear. it's actually ridiculous.
2. had a scary moment earlier this week, tears and mean to myself. a little frustration going to the wrong meeting spot for class yesterday, laid on the steps for a while in exasperation. very dramatic, very writable and hilarious. haha.
3. i need to listen to myself. i will listen to myself.
4. i'm learning how to break up work bit by bit and just to do whatever i can when i can. (it helps that one of my homework assignment is to read Richard Yates by Tao Lin, who is disturbing & ridiculous)
5. some professors actually care about you as a student, as a person. cool. i'm banking on this when i have to explain what's been wrong with me and my performance lately. i'm on the road to being better tho.
6. a mantra suggested to me by a close friend, "Just graduate."

he ain't neva lied. won't never will!

7. i told myself, since i'm typing this before i leave the library at this wild (but i've actually been productive up until now) hour while listening to Summer Romance (Anti-Gravity Love Song) by Incubus bc I ain't listened to Incubus in a while and bc it would keep me from rambling and not getting to bed.

so... i'm off to log off and walk to my room, and go to bed! yes! yes yes yes.

settle down.

I found this song/video over at http://www.etmusiquepourtous.com/2010/10/13/kimbra-settle-down-penguin-prison-remix/

I haven't listened to the remix bc I'm still caught up with the original song and video. Yes!

tuesday morning.

1. when you like somethingone little shit can seem so big. can set you off onto mini monologues of the most frustrating things.

2. i feel like i'm effin up in school. not actual "F" like grade, like doing absolutely nothing, but I definitely have at least one point in each day where I feel like I'm losing when it comes to some class. mostly bc it's hard to keep up with all of that and the other stuff i'm doing which i keep trying to convince myself isn't really that much but my brain thinks it is so that'll be the judge, not a comparison to what everyone else can do, what i think i should be able to do. oh, the overachiever that just won't die in me.

3. school always has me on edge. my school life always has me on edge. everything surrounding it. and i find myself not wanting to leave my room and have to go into it. and i find myself wondering why i'm in college. i know why, so i can have diff experiences and so when my books are published readers can feel rest assured they're getting work from an ivy league graduate, and shit.

4. but all the other stuff i'm doing seems so much more important to me. classes and evaluations... the ideas are nice and important and all that, but the structure of it all is wearing on me. i'm just tired. i tried to pretend in the beginning i wasn't and that i wouldn't be but i'm tired.

5. maybe i should continue talking to someone about it so that it's not just spinning around in my head with all the other things that aren't being said...

6/yay. but not really. sigh. nothing ever really seems simple. but then again, i guess that's everybody's life.

7. at least black theatre makes me happy. at least my other group is better this year.

8. p.s. i'm quitting my job and looking for another in the coming weeks. ask me where i'm getting money from when i do quit my job. wait for the silence and the shrug. yeah.idk. but i trust it's the right decision for me. i have to be more decisive and active and learn how to just deal with the consequences.

9.  *shakes head*

"29 pearls in your kiss, a singing smile"

trouble sleep.

it's that simple.

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/jillscott/wannabeloved.html